End of my tether with my DC

[Copingnomore]

I have 3 DS. 10, 8 and 8months. Older 2 are to my ex.
DS10 has ADHD. As far as we know DS8 has nothing like that, but I’m starting to wonder. His outbursts are awful. Hitting, kicking, screaming. He’s wakes the baby up with this and the baby gets really scared. It’s just heartbreaking to see baby react like that.
I don’t live with my current partner(baby’s dad) he doesn’t really come to my house either as I just can’t deal with the DCs behaviour and I don’t want to subject another person to it. They’re rude and fight constantly.
me and ex have them 50/50 but I literally dread my time with them, especially when it’s my weekend with them.
their dad has the same issues when they’re with him but he doesn’t have a baby to consider.
im on the brink of messaging him and saying come and get them. Im embarrassed that I ‘can’t cope’ and I’m positive he’d use this against me at some point. But I’m past caring.
I could take them out for the day but their behaviour is still awful and quite frankly, I don’t think they deserve a day out when they behave like this. Cheeky, backchatting etc.
help please. I’m losing my mind!

I get where you’re coming from. Their behaviour was like this before the baby arrived though.
mum not expecting ex to come and get them. But I would like him to.
yes, it isn’t his fault I had a baby, I completely understand that. My MH can be quite fragile at times, and this has all really effected me

I’m sorry but you having had another child is your problem, not your clearly ND child’s problem.

i can’t believe instead of finding ways to support and help your dc8 you’re basically giving up and cutting down your time parenting them. Its Rejection - that’s hugely emotionally damaging.

my oldest dc5 is autistic, pda and high care needs, my youngest dc has just turned 1. At
times it’s been very hard however I would never ever have given up on my oldest and then pinned it all on ‘I have the baby to consider’

So you were struggling with the older two despite having them only 50% of the time, have fragile mental health sometimes, but decided another baby without 100% support of its father was the way to go? And now you want to concentrate on the baby instead of the older children whose needs are greater?
No.
Tell baby’s dad to step up and take his child for some of the time that you have your older two, and concentrate on them.
Post on the SEN board for more specific help in parenting the older two.

Can you limit the two older kids time together so that they only spend 2-3 days together each week? For example you have ds8 Monday-Sunday, and your 10 year old Thursday-Wednesday, and your ex does the opposite. Both kids might benefit from not spending every day together if they fight so much and both you and ex will have a few days a week without either of them.

me and my DP had planned to live together but given the escalation of the boys behaviour, I just don’t feel like it’s the best idea right now(or ever at this rate). He’s very supportive and when we’re together, he’s fantastic. Baby is still BF so it’s not as easy as just handing baby over to him.

50/50 has only been for the past 6 months or so. I had them more than ex before then

Then stop breastfeeding, for the good of two other boys who are impacted far more?
I’m a big fan of breastfeeding, but 8 months is hardly cutting this one really short.
Of course, that’s the unnecessary drastic action.
You could spend quality time with your boys with your boyfriend there too, to find every but breastfeed.
For example, you could go swimming with baby’s dad looking after his child between feeds. Baby is 8 months old - even if they like to graze, you can push them hours between feeds for the sake of the older two.
Cute baby to a man you like is taking precedence over more challenging children with a man you don’t. That’s not the right way round. A baby is more flexible and less impacted. Get dad to step up, and focus on the older two.

OP I don’t know whether you read my first post but if you need to ask for social care assessments, contact Home Start and consider applying for an EHCNA.

Can you and Ex have one boy each for a while if them being together is the main problem?

i won’t be stopping BF any time soon. I’ve fed all the others up to 2 years old

Are willing to try anything to improve things other than get your ex to have the boys more?

You are their parent!!!! you don't just give up on them because you've had enough of their behaviour and because you now have a new baby to consider that's disgraceful.

Your son has adhd so that's why he behaves the way he does, not making excuses as I'm sure knows how to behave but it won't help with his condition and I suggest getting your other child assessed. No that doesn't make it easier but at least you might get support from other avenues.

Yea their dad needs to play his part too but you can't just drop them off and let him deal with. He has them 50% of the time so you bloody well should too. Why should his partner help him look after YOUR kids if your new partner isn't even helping you, that's laughable and quite honestly the fact you've had a child with a man who wants nothing to do with his step children or help his partner with them when you also have a baby together is also a joke.

To be honest it sounds like you've checked out and can't be arsed with them anymore. They can probably feel that. Also new baby on their home it's a lot of change. I know I've been brutally honest but I feel sorry for your children I really do. Their behaviour might be hard but they are children, you are the adult and you sound like you don't want them anymore and care about the new baby more.

So you can’t live together because your son struggles, but instead of taking is slowly and prioritizing the needs of your existing children, you planned another one/chose to continue a pregnancy? Now you’re struggling, but so are your children because of choices you’ve made.

Just so we’re clear, that’s more important to you than dealing with the emotional needs of your older two children? OK.

I don't think there's any need to be horrible to OP who is clearly struggling juggling the needs of her nd dc and her baby. The dc Dad is their parent too and I think it's reasonable to ask for support from him and to discuss this further. The dc's behaviour and their Mum's wellbeing affect everyone and it's in everyone's interests to look at ways to improve things and let Mum and baby have a rest. The baby has a right to not be scared in their home. It sounds hard and judging Mum here is not helpful when she probably needs support more than anything to be able to carry on supporting all her dc's needs long term.

It’s been my decision to keep DP and my DC separate. Not his. He’s wonderful. I just struggle to merge them all when I’m dealing with their challenging behaviour. My DV are living and very cuddly boys. Separately they are fantastic, but together a living nightmare. Oddly, they miss eachother if they aren’t together. I can’t win!

Also, they absolutely adore their baby brother. They always want to help out with bathing and feeding and love playing with him.

You can’t prioritise BF for 2yrs over having a better relationship with your boys. What will that achieve? I agree taking them out more, swimming etc will help. Have them one at a time, don’t just give up on them

Acknowledging the obvious isn’t being horrible for the sake of it. Op is in a shit situation yes, but it’s one of her making. Her kids are also in a shit situation now, and they had no say in it. By the sounds of it the father of the first two is offering support and has increased time with his children, but OP seems to want them gone the majority of the time now so she can concentrate on her new family.

It’s shitty no matter whether a mother or father is doing it.

I don’t think stopping breastfeeding will solve anything in all honesty. Eldest won’t be cured of ADHD, middle wont suddenly stop being disruptive

Yes, the children's dad is their parent to, but I imagine if the post was:
I have two ND children with my ex husband and their behaviour is admittedly very challenging at the moment. He has an eight month old baby with his new partner and wants to change the 50:50 arrangement we have with the children. He is saying he won't have the children for full days anymore as he can't cope with them and the baby at the same time
then MN would be falling over themselves to call him every name under the sun. Being horrible to the OP isn't useful to anyone, but acknowledging that the emotional fallout of pushing out her older children (who have already had significant upheaval with the arrival of their new sibling) could well be significant or lifelong. It's hard to acknowledge it at the time, but behaviours is often communication. The OP feels that breastfeeding her eight month baby is more important than the spending time alone with her two older children. That's her decision to make, but when posting for advice people can say they think the priorities there are totally wrong.

I do not want to ‘concentrate on my new family’. How dare you! I want us all to live together, happily. But that just isn’t happening, no matter how hard I try

Yes agreed. The older two are the priority and need consistency and present parenting right now.

I have 3 children. Why do 2 of them take priority over another? They’re all equal, surely