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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these messages aren't innocent?

151 replies

confusedanddispute · 24/09/2022 00:57

Between my husband and his ex from a long time ago. It's the times that bother me the most, late nights when he was out and not with me.

These were sent to me, I didn't find them, never had a reason to go through his phone and even if I wanted to (which I kind of do now) he has a lock on it. Married 3 years, together 5.

To think these messages aren't innocent?
OP posts:
macthekwife · 24/09/2022 10:06

Desperate to carry on chatting he is.

DashboardConfessional · 24/09/2022 10:07

I think she's deleted something before the 'oi' and 'thanks'. I would actually ask him (normally I wouldn't recommend!) in the context of her partner wondering if she was hitting on him and you thinking her partner deserves to know.

macthekwife · 24/09/2022 10:08

DashboardConfessional · 24/09/2022 10:07

I think she's deleted something before the 'oi' and 'thanks'. I would actually ask him (normally I wouldn't recommend!) in the context of her partner wondering if she was hitting on him and you thinking her partner deserves to know.

No. On facebook that would come up in grey as "messaged deleted"

veganmayo · 24/09/2022 10:10

The timings suggest he was probably drunk (sorry if that’s an incorrect assumption) but I don’t think they’re indicative of much more than that. Agree with PPs that it sounds like someone trying to stir things up by sending you that.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 24/09/2022 10:11

They’re completely normal- he feels bad or she does and they’re both happy now. I think it’s fine

greystarblanchard · 24/09/2022 10:14

I think if there was anything more to them she’d have much worse messages to show you tbh

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 10:18

YABU

not only unreasonable but deeply insecure

Caroffee · 24/09/2022 10:25

It doesnt sound like anything is going on. Your OH has told his ex that he is happy with you. Many people keep in touch with their exes. Whoever sent you these messages is shit-stirring. I would let sleeping dogs lie unless you want to cause problems in your marriage.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 24/09/2022 10:32

Why not just show your DH what his EXs partner has sent you and talk about it?

JedEye · 24/09/2022 10:33

homarrrer · 24/09/2022 07:33

Sounds totally innocent.

He has made it clear straight away that he is happy and it sounds like he has zero interest in her.

Did they bump in to each other on a night out and she was crying or talking about old times or something and he has told her he is happy with you?

That's what it looks like to me anyway. He has brushed her off straight away. Sounds like he's just being polite when he is asking how she is.

This

NalaNana · 24/09/2022 10:34

Hi OP I do find these a bit suspicious. The first message is fine obviously but the other two 🧐
It's as though he's drunk and thinking about her so trying to continue to conversation, and why would he want to do that?

If it were my partner I'd just say wtf are you messaging your ex for in the middle of the night? She's ignored him for one so he's made himself look a bit of a Wally. Wouldn't take it any further than that though!

girlmom21 · 24/09/2022 10:37

No. On facebook that would come up in grey as "messaged deleted"

Those messages are on instagram

gobbynorthernbird · 24/09/2022 10:43

I'd be suspicious that the person who accessed someone else's inbox and sent the messages to OP was the one who had deleted the messages in between. And, given that he's trying to convince OP that something dodgy is going on, the messages are probably innocent or they would be included.

macthekwife · 24/09/2022 10:44

girlmom21 · 24/09/2022 10:37

No. On facebook that would come up in grey as "messaged deleted"

Those messages are on instagram

Oh right, well yes you unsend and they disappear completely. I just tried and there is no trace whatsoever. Not sure how the person said it looked like anything had been deleted though... just a suspicion?

PookyToots · 24/09/2022 10:47

I thought her apology was from her behaviour in the relationship, which would be fair enough and he accepts her apology. I would be pissed off at him pushing for more responses however. The "Cheers..." message sounds like him replying again to her apology in order to get more communication from her. This is embarrassing, needy behaviour and I'd want to know why.

ManateeFair · 24/09/2022 10:50

SettingsO · 24/09/2022 01:55

It reads to me that she’s saying she’s embarrassed that she came on to him, but he gave her the brush off by telling her he is happy, presumably with you.

But then when he doesn’t get a reply from her he badgers her for an answer with ‘oi’ in the early hours of the morning Hmm

Clarklette85 · 24/09/2022 10:54

My rule of thumb is if you wouldnt have that conversation in front of your partner then its not innocent.

averageavocado · 24/09/2022 11:00

confusedanddispute · 24/09/2022 01:06

Yes my husband is the messages in white. I suppose I could speak to him but I wouldn't want to have to divulge where I got the messages from. He would just tell me to get a grip anyways and that nothing was going on.

Show quote history

I wouldn't want to have to divulge where I got the messages from.
why not?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/09/2022 11:04

i think they are innocent.

oofmehip · 24/09/2022 11:05

I fully agree with @CookPassBabtridge

I don't see anything wrong and I don't think there are deleted messages..He's following on from her initial "glad you're happy"
Looks totally innocent to me, like closure. It's nice to have civilness with someone who was once so important

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/09/2022 11:05

i wouldnt respond to her partner

oofmehip · 24/09/2022 11:06

(What ever happened to asterisk=bold?!)

FurAndFeathers · 24/09/2022 11:12

Her partner sounds controlling and you’re overthinking this.

he clearly says he is happy. I suspect he might be a bit concerned about her (perhaps she’s unhappy with the controlling partner?) hence him pushing for a response.

the times wouldn’t worry me. Late night is when I do most of my scrolling and am most likely to message. No response expected at that time.

Macaroni1924 · 24/09/2022 11:16

I don’t think your DH has said anything wrong (unless deleted) but the need to message at all would annoy me unless involving children.
So I read them like this:
her- Hi sorry for being….
him - I am happy…
her - (deleted) something inappropriate
him- oi (can’t be saying that)
her- (deleted) hey you look gorgeous in your new pic type thing
him- cheers how are you.

Id say definitely deleted messages by her but I think he isn’t interacting with them in the way she wanted however why respond at all if inappropriate I’d ignore.
What has her partner seen that isn’t there as nothing flirty etc maybe angry she has been chatting at all and wanted you to feel the same?

dianthus101 · 24/09/2022 11:24

I think that the ex may not have good intentions but your DH seems innocent. She will probably leave him alone now.