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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think these messages aren't innocent?

151 replies

confusedanddispute · 24/09/2022 00:57

Between my husband and his ex from a long time ago. It's the times that bother me the most, late nights when he was out and not with me.

These were sent to me, I didn't find them, never had a reason to go through his phone and even if I wanted to (which I kind of do now) he has a lock on it. Married 3 years, together 5.

To think these messages aren't innocent?
OP posts:
BadNomad · 24/09/2022 04:10

Hmm I don't think they're fake messages. But I do think a lot have been unsent/deleted. Maybe full conversations in between. "Cheers how you getting on" is not how you start a convo. It's a reply to something no longer there.

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 24/09/2022 05:09

Discovereads · 24/09/2022 03:17

Missed the second text also has 2,3 descending sequence in the time stamp.
So that’s five descending/ascending sequences in four messages.

Scroll through real conversations on your phones. You won’t find these patterns in a real conversation.

Good that we've got Forensics in

DoubleBuggyDriver · 24/09/2022 05:12

I don’t see anything wrong with it tbh. She messaged him first, he responded and came back with ‘Oi’ as she didn’t say anything back.

If someone messages me, I respond and then they take however long to reply then I’m never impressed because they bloody messaged me first! You can see he sent another message on the 7th of August and at that point he should have just left it. Maybe just annoyed that she messaged first then completely blanked him

over2021 · 24/09/2022 05:16

I don't know if there are deleted messages- it looks as though he may have replied to a story on Instagram.

Example: she puts a story up saying "I've kissed a load of frogs before I met my prince". He replies Oi. She doesn't respond.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 24/09/2022 05:33

No it doesn’t…

If he would have responded to a story, it would still say ‘Replied to your story’ in the chat (I’ve added a screenshot so you can see more clearly OP). There’s no way to delete that or anything.

However I’ve just opened up the whole pic and seen the last message. Why would he randomly just say ‘cheers how you getting on,’ there were obviously messages sent from her side beforehand. Unless he’s delusional and is talking to himself, what is he saying cheers for is she never responded at all? Definitely deleted messages on her side. Strange all around!

To think these messages aren't innocent?
Iknowforsure1 · 24/09/2022 05:37

I’d be worried OP. Ex (or whoever that is) has a historical connection to your DP and seeking this connection back. He’s responding quite readily. Even prompting her to continue answering “Oi”. That’s how emotional affairs start. It doesn’t mean there will be a physical affair at all. However if your DO didn’t want to respond, or didn’t feel the urge to connect emotions to this person, they would either 1. Not respond 2. Respond in a “dry” way and close the conversation.

vegang · 24/09/2022 05:40

I don't think the messages are faked and the whole number sequences thing is a bit of a reach.

Did the ex send you the screenshot? If her messages are on the right then the screenshots are from her account. Looks like she's said something and then deleted it.

The messages seem totally friendly to me and I wouldn't be worried

Iknowforsure1 · 24/09/2022 05:40

@DoubleBuggyDriver
It’s not strange. He’s seeking communication with her. She fished for him, elicited a response and left it at that. He’s now fishing back for the story to continue. It’s really really classic for it to happen with people who seek a dopamine high and have unstable moods/changing emotions etc.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 24/09/2022 05:43

@Iknowforsure1 how is he seeking communication from her when she’s the one that messaged him first…. Yes he came back with Oi but it’s rude to message someone and then completely ignore them.

You’re really reaching when speaking about unstable moods etc. By the last message it’s extremely clear that messages have been deleted on her side. Why would someone randomly say ‘cheers’ when no one’s said anything? Be serious

liveforsummer · 24/09/2022 05:48

WagathaChristieMystery · 24/09/2022 01:03

Are the messages from your husband the ones in white? It sounds like they have an easy dynamic between them (I guess that’s sort of to be expected, given they have history). It’s nice to see they still get on, but I understand why you feel uncomfortable at them speaking with each other and also at times when your husband is on a night out.

Could you talk to your husband about it and raise it with him like you have here - ie. someone sent you these messages, and see what he says?

Not sure how you come to that conclusion. She sent one text and then ignored any other messages over a significant period of time. Not sure why he kept trying though. Semi suspicious but she clearly embarrassed herself and wants to forget all about it

Iknowforsure1 · 24/09/2022 05:51

@DoubleBuggyDriver
Why would you continuously prompt for responses from another person where there was clearly some romantic or deep emotional involvement in the history? How innocent is that? Being in this type of situations I must say it’s not unusual or weird. I had chats with 10 unanswered messages both sides, sometimes people write “at” someone having satisfaction only from the fact that the other person is reading. It’s unhealthy and I appreciate you or other (emotionally healthier) people don’t understand it. But yes, there is a reason to worry purely on the basis that OP’s DP feels the need at all to react to this person and remembers writing those messages. Not healthy, not necessary.

BadNomad · 24/09/2022 05:57

@Iknowforsure1 you don't know if his messages were in response to hers, though. The "Oi" might have come after she said something cheeky, for example. And the last message at the bottom that doesn't make sense as a prompt from him. It reads more like a response to her saying something like "happy birthday!" or "congrats! hope you're well".

Sunshineandbrighterdays · 24/09/2022 06:00

I don't think you have anything to worry about. He told her he's happy with you, then seems to have responded in a very casual way to some messages that she has since deleted. Sounds more like she's trying to shit stir, why else would she delete her side of the conversation?

BadNomad · 24/09/2022 06:04

That's what I think too. Whatever she said in between his responses, there's no hint of him wanting to have a conversation. He barely responds.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 24/09/2022 06:06

I’m in agreement with the last two posts

RequiemForAcat · 24/09/2022 06:27

BadNomad · 24/09/2022 04:10

Hmm I don't think they're fake messages. But I do think a lot have been unsent/deleted. Maybe full conversations in between. "Cheers how you getting on" is not how you start a convo. It's a reply to something no longer there.

This ^

Theprimeofmissmulroney · 24/09/2022 06:54

I mean... if he doesn't have kids with the ex I'm not sure why they'd be messaging each other. I'd would be completely wtf if my dh was messaging an ex and pretty sure the feeling is mutual. So that alone would piss me off.

stepmumspacepodcast · 24/09/2022 06:57

Hey OP, how did you get them?

Original poster
confusedanddispute · 24/09/2022 06:59

Her partner sent them to me suggesting they were inappropriate. Usually on Instagram if a message is deleted it says 'message deleted' ? So that's what I don't get. It's like he is pushing for a response.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 24/09/2022 07:08

usually on Instagram if a message is deleted it says 'message deleted'

No, not any more. Unsent message disappear from the chat completely as if they were never there. Her partner needs to ask her what she unsent.

LivingMyBestLie · 24/09/2022 07:08

If that's all there is then they're not inappropriate. It does sound like she was pushing for him to flirt or say he's not happy or something, but he shut it down.

I guess the "oi" message was a bit unnecessary, like he's trying to keep the chat going.

But no, I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

mountainsunsets · 24/09/2022 07:08

If there were deleted messages it would say so on the chat, but they could have communicated another way FB or text or WhatsApp in between, for example.

I don't think they look suspicious on your D DH's part particularly. It looks like she came on to him or said something flirty, he rebuffed her but then got curious and text again, whereas she was so embarrassed she ignored any follow up.

FOJN · 24/09/2022 07:09

It took him 3 days to respond to the first message but he sent a prompt when he hadn't received a reply after 5 hours! There is no further exchange for nearly 3 weeks.
I think the messages are too infrequent to be concerned about.

I'd be more concerned that your partners ex is in a relationship with a jealous partner who is reading her messages and now trying to cause trouble for other people.

Lucinda86 · 24/09/2022 07:17

Messages have been unsent. Instagram doesn’t tell either party when a message has been unsent like Facebook or WhatsApp does. Go try it now for yourself and you’ll see. The cheers message makes no sense and he hasn’t replied to a story or it would say “replied to story”

Trees6 · 24/09/2022 07:28

The “cheers” bit is odd. It looks as if something is missing immediately prior. I think you’re going to have to speak to your husband, OP. Nip this flirting in the bud.