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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sis should kick her DD out?

112 replies

Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:03

NC as may be outing.
My niece, let’s call her Amy, is 20 and never had a job. She left school with no GCSEs because she missed a lot of school due to mental health issues.
She stayed in a hospital for a few months because she was suicidal.
My sis, with the rising costs and being a single parent, can no longer afford to pay all the bills, food, clothes etc for herself, Amy and her younger son who’s still at school.
Amy, for the past 4 years has refused to get a job or sign on and she says my sis should pay for everything as she’s the parents and she didn’t ask to be born.
If sis gets too pushy, Amy threatens suicide and gets verbally abusive. She does nothing all day, won’t clean, tidy etc as she says her mental health is too bad, she’s too depressed etc…
This is making my sis really depressed and at the end of her tether, after all bills, food and fuel have been paid for, my sis has £4 a week for anything else. Amy still demands takeaways and when sis refuses, Amy gets sulky and starts being spiteful to her brother, gets told off and skulks off to her room.
AIBU to think my sis should kick her out and let her go to council for help? I know sis won’t do that though bc it’s her daughter.
Amy and my sis fight constantly and my sis has had enough and doesn’t know what to do any more.
Amy had counselling but refused to talk even after 10 sessions, she just sat there staring, so counsellor said she couldn’t help her.
GP can’t help, Amy is on antidepressants but they don’t seem to have helped in any way.
My sis complains to me but I don’t know what to suggest any more.
Has anyone ever had this problem and if so, what did you do?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 22/09/2022 20:07

If possible Amy needs to seek further mental health support, at least for a review of her meds which may not be at the right dose.

Would she consider a different type of therapy? Family therapy might be good.

But no, I wouldn't kick out my suicidal dc who has no means to support herself.

Greensleeves · 22/09/2022 20:10

This young person has had years of debilitating mental health problems which seriously damaged her education, is prone to suicidal thoughts and clearly isn't in a fit state to work and support herself independently. So no, I don't think her mother should throw her out onto the street.

Maybe think about how you can best support your sister in a non-judgemental way that will actually be of use to her.

Cw112 · 22/09/2022 20:10

Amy clearly is struggling with their mental health and needs support. If they have a diagnosis your sis should be able to apply for disability benefits and universal credit as her carer on her behalf. I'd recommend your sis speak to your local citizens advice as they can help her do that. I would also recommend linking in with a youth charity that provide floating support for young people 16-25 who are struggling with where they are living to give Amy someone to speak to and help her figure out some goals to work on. She should also be linked in with adult mental health services and they should be able to make referrals to appropriate services. Kicking her out when she's not in a good mental place is a terrible idea. Why don't you try to help your sister by making some meals, offering to do some cleaning etc instead.

Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:11

Stompythedinosaur · 22/09/2022 20:07

If possible Amy needs to seek further mental health support, at least for a review of her meds which may not be at the right dose.

Would she consider a different type of therapy? Family therapy might be good.

But no, I wouldn't kick out my suicidal dc who has no means to support herself.

No, refuses to go to doctor or get help as she refuses to talk. When sis says she will book her an appointment, Amy tell her she won’t go, cries, shouts and storms off to her room.
Sis can’t support her any more, now energy bills have gone up, the only way she can is if Amy gets a job and pays board. She has no contact with her father as he buggered off.

OP posts:
Mexicola · 22/09/2022 20:13

Sounds like an over indulged, lazy teenager who needs her arse handing to her on a plate. Shape up or ship out.

Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:14

Greensleeves · 22/09/2022 20:10

This young person has had years of debilitating mental health problems which seriously damaged her education, is prone to suicidal thoughts and clearly isn't in a fit state to work and support herself independently. So no, I don't think her mother should throw her out onto the street.

Maybe think about how you can best support your sister in a non-judgemental way that will actually be of use to her.

Amy is very abusive and my sister can’t afford to support her any more. That’s the issue.
Ive spent 4 years supporting my sister and Amy. I take Amy out to give sis a break and offer help all the time, be it cleaning, buying a takeaway or listening. I’m not judgmental, it’s my sis saying she’s had enough and cries out of sheer bloody frustration.

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 22/09/2022 20:15

You can't help someone who won't help herself.

And she is an abuser. Regardless of her suffering she is not entitled to abuse someone else. If this was a married couple we would all be shouting LTB. This is no different.

The moment she used suicide as a weapon proved that she is in control.

Your sister absolutly should throw her out. But she may never.

And if she doesn't I wouldn't allow her to moan about her situation to you.

Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:16

Cw112 · 22/09/2022 20:10

Amy clearly is struggling with their mental health and needs support. If they have a diagnosis your sis should be able to apply for disability benefits and universal credit as her carer on her behalf. I'd recommend your sis speak to your local citizens advice as they can help her do that. I would also recommend linking in with a youth charity that provide floating support for young people 16-25 who are struggling with where they are living to give Amy someone to speak to and help her figure out some goals to work on. She should also be linked in with adult mental health services and they should be able to make referrals to appropriate services. Kicking her out when she's not in a good mental place is a terrible idea. Why don't you try to help your sister by making some meals, offering to do some cleaning etc instead.

Doctor told my sis that Amy plays on her mental health problems. For example, she will be singing and if my sister mentions having a look online at jobs even for a few hours a week, Amy shouts, screams, says she’d rather die than work…
I do make food for them all and help with cleaning when I can but I work full time and also have my own family to look after

OP posts:
Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:17

Cw112 · 22/09/2022 20:10

Amy clearly is struggling with their mental health and needs support. If they have a diagnosis your sis should be able to apply for disability benefits and universal credit as her carer on her behalf. I'd recommend your sis speak to your local citizens advice as they can help her do that. I would also recommend linking in with a youth charity that provide floating support for young people 16-25 who are struggling with where they are living to give Amy someone to speak to and help her figure out some goals to work on. She should also be linked in with adult mental health services and they should be able to make referrals to appropriate services. Kicking her out when she's not in a good mental place is a terrible idea. Why don't you try to help your sister by making some meals, offering to do some cleaning etc instead.

My sis got info from young persons charity for Amy to go and meet people and Amy refused to go and said she’s scratch her mums eyes out if she made her and puncture the tyres on her car

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 22/09/2022 20:19

Mexicola · 22/09/2022 20:13

Sounds like an over indulged, lazy teenager who needs her arse handing to her on a plate. Shape up or ship out.

I agree with this. If she being manipulative enough to be spiteful to her younger brother if she doesn't get her own way then that just screams of selfishness!
Why can't she sign on?

Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:20

Youdoyoutoday · 22/09/2022 20:19

I agree with this. If she being manipulative enough to be spiteful to her younger brother if she doesn't get her own way then that just screams of selfishness!
Why can't she sign on?

Show quote history

She refuses to attend job centre and says her mum can’t carry her there so and I quote ‘’you will have to get a second job and keep me’’

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 22/09/2022 20:24

Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:20

She refuses to attend job centre and says her mum can’t carry her there so and I quote ‘’you will have to get a second job and keep me’’

Show quote history

Your poor sister!

ThinkingForEveryone · 22/09/2022 20:25

Sounds more like a manipulative brat than someone genuinely incapable of working/signing on.
If I were your sister I would be writing to the council and asking what provisions they have (probably few and far between but it's a start)
Once Amy can see her mother is actively trying to get her accommodation elsewhere her behaviour might suddenly improve or she might finally go to the gp for some proper help.

boomoohoo · 22/09/2022 20:26

Something has gone quite wrong in the upbringing of Amy, I wonder what this behaviour is about. Sounds like your sis could do with some professional help in being firmer, more assertive and regaining control. I suggest she contact her local early help service - on the basis of the impact its having on her younger child, they should be able to help her with this

user1471457751 · 22/09/2022 20:27

I agree with @Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim , if this was a partner behaving in this way everyone would be calling him an abusive cocklodger and saying to ltb. Amy is clearly manipulative, seen in how she uses threats of suicide to control her mum and being spiteful to her brother if she doesn't get her way.

Amy thinking she shouldn't have to work or do chores because she 'didn't ask to be born' is not a mental health problem. It's her being a lazy, abusive bitch.

Your sister is letting her younger child down by forcing him to live in an abusive household.

chilliesandspices · 22/09/2022 20:31

This sounds a lot like my sister though she did claim benefits. My parents reached a point of having to kick her out. My dad was made redundant and offered a job in Ireland so they needed to move. Initially she was using her savings to stay in a hotel and the council wouldn't help despite daily visits. Finally some kind person at the council office explained that if she checked out of the hotel she'd be classed as homeless. She was moved to temporary accommodation then moved to a semi-managed flat a few months later. She has now been in the flat for 3 years. The building has an allocated key worker who keeps an eye on residents who all have mental health difficulties. It's actually worked out really well. When she was at home her social workers used to fall off the face of the earth and disappear for months. We used to spend a lot of time chasing support and getting nowhere.

Isaidnoalready · 22/09/2022 20:34

She needs to say no and stick to it

StrikeandRobin · 22/09/2022 20:36

She refuses to attend job centre and says her mum can’t carry her there so and I quote ‘’you will have to get a second job and keep me’’

With such severe MH issues she’d likely qualify for PIP, no need to attend the job centre for that.

Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:40

boomoohoo · 22/09/2022 20:26

Something has gone quite wrong in the upbringing of Amy, I wonder what this behaviour is about. Sounds like your sis could do with some professional help in being firmer, more assertive and regaining control. I suggest she contact her local early help service - on the basis of the impact its having on her younger child, they should be able to help her with this

Sis has brought her and her son up the same and only Amy is like this.
Amy did find her Dad leaving difficult when she was younger as she’s had behavioural issues since. Sis is not a pushover by any means.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:42

StrikeandRobin · 22/09/2022 20:36

She refuses to attend job centre and says her mum can’t carry her there so and I quote ‘’you will have to get a second job and keep me’’

With such severe MH issues she’d likely qualify for PIP, no need to attend the job centre for that.

The job centre when my sis called to ask what Amy would be entitled to said she’d need a GP assessment or would have to go to job centre for interview. Amy refuses point blank to visit either.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 22/09/2022 20:45

Perhaps getting a job might help concentrate her mind. Other than that put her belongings on the doorstep and change the locks .
And stop using the mental health card to exccuse her vile behaviour

Original poster
Calligraph · 22/09/2022 20:46

I had Amy stay at my house for a few days (was supposed to be a week but had to cut it short) to give my sis a break and she was a nightmare. She left the bathroom and kitchen in a mess and my DH told her calmly to please clean up after herself and she cried and told me he was nasty to her! She was in the house when we were at work and got home and there were crumbs everywhere, numerous dirty cups and plates all over the house and when I asked her to wash them up, she said she couldn’t as she had sensitive skin!

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 22/09/2022 20:46

Can her suicide threats be enough to have her involuntarily admitted to a pych unit to have her medication reviewed as the antidepressants seem to not br helping her. She may benefit from living in an adult group home type of residence? I think she should be either working or declared unfit and get on assistance to pay her way. I think you can help your sister best by getting information for mental health programs.

Ship · 22/09/2022 20:47

Amy sounds very manipulative if she’s threatening suicide every time she’s asked to do something. Your sister should tell Amy that she will call 999 when Amy threatens suicide for her own safety. I don’t think it’ll be as easy as kicking her out but I would expect her to sign on and contribute to bills and help in the house and not be abusive to brother who is a child when she is an adult. Your sister needs to prioritise her child and it may be that kicking out the adult daughter is the only way but before then I would advise that she explain to Amy that every time Amy threatens suicide she will have to call 999 for Amy to be taken to hospital for her own safety

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 22/09/2022 20:49

Sensitive skin indeed <snorts>.