To think sis should kick her DD out?

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NC as may be outing.
My niece, let’s call her Amy, is 20 and never had a job. She left school with no GCSEs because she missed a lot of school due to mental health issues.
She stayed in a hospital for a few months because she was suicidal.
My sis, with the rising costs and being a single parent, can no longer afford to pay all the bills, food, clothes etc for herself, Amy and her younger son who’s still at school.
Amy, for the past 4 years has refused to get a job or sign on and she says my sis should pay for everything as she’s the parents and she didn’t ask to be born.
If sis gets too pushy, Amy threatens suicide and gets verbally abusive. She does nothing all day, won’t clean, tidy etc as she says her mental health is too bad, she’s too depressed etc…
This is making my sis really depressed and at the end of her tether, after all bills, food and fuel have been paid for, my sis has £4 a week for anything else. Amy still demands takeaways and when sis refuses, Amy gets sulky and starts being spiteful to her brother, gets told off and skulks off to her room.
AIBU to think my sis should kick her out and let her go to council for help? I know sis won’t do that though bc it’s her daughter.
Amy and my sis fight constantly and my sis has had enough and doesn’t know what to do any more.
Amy had counselling but refused to talk even after 10 sessions, she just sat there staring, so counsellor said she couldn’t help her.
GP can’t help, Amy is on antidepressants but they don’t seem to have helped in any way.
My sis complains to me but I don’t know what to suggest any more.
Has anyone ever had this problem and if so, what did you do?

Amy needs a medication review to enable the correct level of medication.

Doesn't seem to have registered so am including link...
www.cntw.nhs.uk/services/oppositional-defiant-disorder-odd-conduct-disorder-and-challenging-behaviour/
Seems spot on to me.

has she been assessed for asd or pda.
no one chooses to do nothing, healthy young adults want to have with friends, learn a skill, have hobbies etc. everything you have said sounds like someone with severe mental health and anxiety issues enough that the thought of seeing professionals sends them in to meltdown.

the mum should def look in to claiming pip

I think an assessment of some kind - psychologist? Work on low level engagement. A food shop or walk in the park. Moving on eventually to a bit of voluntary work in a charity shop or similar.

This sounds awful for your DSis. Could she try framing it to Amy that she will not be around forever and she and Amy both need to know that Amy will be ok and the benefit they have at the moment is a gentle introduction into Amy being self sufficient. Yes there is an extra factor here of the current cost of Amy but there is a reason we hope to see our DC fly the nest and that’s because we won’t be around forever. I suppose this could be another thing Amy could just dismiss or claim she will harm herself but just another angle which occurred to me .

Amy is taking the piss

Time to stop indulging her. Basic food, let her prepare her own meals, no new clothes, no laundry, etc.
Remove her bedroom door from its hinges, no privacy (I know a parent who did this!).

Not all instances of very poor and manipulative behaviour can be explained away by pretending that the perpetrator needs some kind of diagnosis. Amy appears to be spoilt and indulged to the point where she is incapable of functioning as an emotionally mature adult.
Now is the time for the OP's sister to take back some control, albeit far too late.

Sounds like Amy is very isolated and someone is enabling this.
She's well and truly stuck and isn't moving out of her comfort zone.

I wonder if there are MH charities that are doing home visits?
Maybe they will be able to work with your sister & Amy?

I do think that there need to be some serious consequences for Amy's refusal to see the GP and singing on.

Something to get her "unstuck & moving".
So maybe showing her the front door is the answer after all.

Meanwhile the men who fathered these two children are absolutely free of any judgment, baggage or responsibility…but yes let’s all kick Amy.

I agree. The fact she won’t even seek help is quite telling.

Does Amy shower, get up out of bed and dressed each day, make herself a drink, is she definitely taking her meds (does her mum manage her meds)?

My thoughts were also PDA as someone else has suggested (which my son has). pDA can appear as unbelievably oppositional behaviour which is underpinned by high anxiety at demands and expectations. Many cases blamed as poor parenting when it’s actually ASD. If it is PDA however she’d have signs of autism - possibly subtle, but sensory issues etc.

Also seems to fit with Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

i don’t believe she is just a spoilt brat as some people have suggested though. Although if you Google EUPD you will see that the label is quite controversial. It certainly fits with what you have said about her. In either case she needs help.

nb - with a diagnosis, sis could apply for PIP (On her behalf - stating mentally not able to do this herself)

I should add, she doesn’t actually need a diagnosis to apply for Pip but given what you’ve told us it’s be near impossible to claim pip in this case without one

I've seen similar behaviour in people with severe personality disorders and ODD and anxiety. I agree with @boomoohoo - something is going on for Amy to have caused this.

Your sis needs to reach out for help to learn how to protect herself and her DS from Amy. GP is first stop for sis to get her own mental health supported if she is finding things difficult, Early Help to support her DS (have SS/Early Help never been involved before?), even talk to DS's school about the issue at home as they may have contacts your sister can explore.

Amy won't access help, but your sis can.

@SeeSawDaw yeh I second all this advice too

I think you lack experience with mental health issues if you think this.

Not seeking help is very typical for some difficulties

What a horrible, ablist post.

I agree with @SeeSawDaw and @PDAmomma, their posts have some excellent advice and information. To add it I would recommend your sister (or even you) contact adult social services. They will be able to assess Amy's needs, assess the impact this is having upon the family, and put together a support package to help them.

There is something not quite right about Amy's development and I don't think it is down to laziness or being spoilt, she hasn't developed in the expected way or met expected outcomes and she needs help and support. Kicking her out is only going to make things worse.

The problem with serious mental health problems as a teen is that they miss out on essential growing up that other teens experience as standard. It sounds like her MH episodes have meant that she hasn’t had the parenting and discipline needed to help her grow into a responsible adult. It’s no one’s fault but no one is benefitting if your sister doesn’t even try to go back to basics and start to put in structure and basic expectations. She’s nowhere near ready to leave home and it shouldn’t be threatened. She needs rules, expectations, consequences etc. Basic parenting for a pre teen.

This. You can’t help someone who refuses help.

No I don't think she should kick out her chronically mentally ill adult daughter.

It sounds horrible for her but I think something traumatic has happened to Amy.. for her to refuse to talk to a therapist?? I'd worry someone did something back when it started.

Although as she's abusing her mum could her mum reach out to adult mh services maybe?

She may find having a job solves a lot of the mental health issues. The routine and sense of self worth from working can be really beneficial. Or she could be supported back to education/training.
Clearly the current set up isn't helping her and it isn't sustainable.