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AIBU?

Friend asking me to lend her money

127 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 22/09/2022 07:56

I have a friend who I have known for a long time, over 15 years. She is lovely but occasionally flakey. Seems terrible with money. Twice she's been broke and I have offered to lend her money which she was very slow to pay back. She has sold her house and told me she put the money in a ISA.

She has just asked me to loan her some more money. I have young kids, she doesn't and presumably has a pot of cash but prefers not to dip into it? When I ask her she tells me it's still in the isa. She keeps saying to me that she would help me out, but recently she offered to babysit ( I didn't ask) so I could go to to a family event. When I went to check the timings a few days before she told me she had made other plans. Leaving me with no child care last minute. She does things and invites say 3 friends but I'm never in that inner circle. I feel like I'm her plan b.

So all things considered I'm thinking she needs to ask her plan A friends or dip into her savings. I have been avoiding her since she asked. I just don't want to as I know she will pay me back slowly in dribs and drabs but most of all I don't want to be her default when cash runs out. Why not save up? Put money aside for emergencies? I feel like I'm going to lending her money forever. I initiallysaid yes but im regretting that now.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 22/09/2022 07:58

I think you could simplify this by focusing on your feelings. Do you want to lend her money? Yes or no. This time it’s no. Any guilt you feel about it doesn’t need to change your decision.

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somewhereovertherain · 22/09/2022 07:58

Only lend it if you don’t want it back.

personally for me it’s a no. I’d never lend anyone money I wanted back.

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Checkmateready · 22/09/2022 07:59

Do not lend it. She sounds like a user. She does also have money she can use, she just needs to take it out the Isa.

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AluckyEllie · 22/09/2022 08:01

Just say no. She doesn’t value you as a friend so it doesn’t matter if she gets offended. Just a firm ‘sorry I can’t lend you that money anymore.’ If she asks why just say it doesn’t work for you and why doesn’t she dip into the isa. It might be one where you loose the benefits if you ‘unlock’ it and take money out but that’s not your problem

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NotSorry · 22/09/2022 08:01

I know you initially said “yes” but you could just go back and say “sorry friend, I thought I could lend it, have now done my calculations and realise it will leave me short” then don’t offer again, especially if you’re a “plan b friend”

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Rainbowshine · 22/09/2022 08:02

Just tell her that you have had an unexpected bill/higher than anticipated bill so can’t lend her any money after all. You hope she gets sorted, money’s such a worry at the moment.

If she asks again, say no that’s not something I can do.

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TheBeesKnee · 22/09/2022 08:02

If you initially said yes, go back and say sorry I looked at our finances and I can't actually afford to be lending money to anyone right now, what with the cost of living increases etc.

And don't let her talk you round!

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Whammyyammy · 22/09/2022 08:02

Only lend what you can afford to lose and not get back

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TibetanTerrah · 22/09/2022 08:03

Well she has money. She'd just rather spend yours than her own and pay it back to you at her leisure.

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LadyEloise1 · 22/09/2022 08:04

She's not your friend.

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tortiecat · 22/09/2022 08:05

Please go back and say no to this person. PP have given you good advice on how to word it.

If you do lend her the money it will make you feel like you are being used, you will feel like a doormat handing it over, then you will feel resentful and unhappy the whole time she has it (and there is a chance she won't pay you back). She has money available given she has sold her house - not your problem it is in an ISA.

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Ladyofthelake53 · 22/09/2022 08:06

Tell her no, she's taking the piss

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WoozieFloozie · 22/09/2022 08:08

Pfft, it doesn't sound like you are even plan b!
Just tell her, as similar above pp's, that unfortunately after checking your finances you realised you can't help, especially with Christmas coming up and you hope she understands. If she continues to persuade you just repeat, 'as I said, it's not possible'

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SarahSissions · 22/09/2022 08:08

Never lend to a friend what you wouldn’t be prepared to gift them. It’s an arse to get back- and can put you in a really difficult position.

on the other hand, she sounds awful- why are you friends?

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DillonPanthersTexas · 22/09/2022 08:10

It would be a 'no' from me.

The 'sorry my money is in an ISA' excuse is extremely cheeky. If that is true she is not 'poor' but instead of dipping into her savings like most normal people she is asking you to assist with her entirely avoidable short term cash problems. She already has form for not paying you back and to be honest she is not 'lovely' if she putting you in a awkward position by asking again.

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Welshrarebitontoast · 22/09/2022 08:12

Never a borrower or a lender be.

Unless you can afford to never see the money again, its a no.

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Fraaahnces · 22/09/2022 08:13

She is ridiculous. She needs to be told that her financial situation is not your responsibility. You have kids to manage.

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Enough4me · 22/09/2022 08:14

She's your user not your friend.
You want to be a friend towards her, but cannot see that it's not balanced as you do all the giving and none of the receiving. You are simply the provider for her needs.

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ToFindNewWays · 22/09/2022 08:15

“I’ve had another look at my finances and I can’t afford to lend you any money. You’ll need to dip into your savings.”

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SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/09/2022 08:16

Put on your big girl pants.
Sorry, cheeky fucker, you have far more cash than me. Take it out of your ISA. My money is to feed and clothe my kids, not grown ass women.

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Dacquoise · 22/09/2022 08:17

Does the thought of saying no to this person bring up anxious feelings @IncessantNameChanger ? Head saying no but those pesky feelings saying yes to avoid the anxiety of her reaction? Perhaps you are afraid of losing her although she clearly isn't your friend.

You can deal with this via text. A very simple message that sorry you are now not able to lend her the money. She will probably ask why, just say something has come up that you need it for. On repeat. Don't explain, that will open you up for her to wheedle it out of you. It will feel very uncomfortable if you're not used to setting boundaries but just sit with the feelings. You may lose her as a friend if she doesn't get her way. That's on her, not you as it sounds like she's a user but eventually you will feel proud and relieved you didn't do something you didn't WANT to do!

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Shinyandnew1 · 22/09/2022 08:18

Why did you say yea-she sounds horrible!?
Say no and find better friends.

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WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/09/2022 08:20

She needs money now. Savings are for when you need money. She has plenty of savings. She is deliberately trying to deprive you of your money for no reason whatsoever.

She reminds me of these people who will make a song and dance about not being able to afford milk or whatever at the shop, and will allow a kind stranger to step in and buy it for them, and then it turns out they 'didn't want to break into a £20 note' i.e. 'they just didn't want to spend their own money if they could get somebody else to pay for them'.

What reasoning can she possibly persist with here? It's completely legitimate to say No, even if she'd spent all of her own money frivolously; but she still has it - lots of it! ISAs restrict how much and when you can pay in, but you can get the money out whenever you need it.

Can you imagine saying to somebody "Can I please borrow your car as I urgently need to drive into town tomorrow.... and my own car is working perfectly and will be fully available for use" ?! I know some people do do that, if they'd rather somebody else pay for the petrol/wear and tear or take the risk (e.g. if they need to park in a dodgy area) - but those people are NOT friends.

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Dacquoise · 22/09/2022 08:21

BTW there is a £20k annual limit on putting money into an ISA so unless she only made £20k profit on her house sale she has money not tied up somewhere.

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twoandcooplease · 22/09/2022 08:21

Don't feel guilty for saying no. It would be madness to hand over your money to someone who only sees you as plan b

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