Friend asking me to lend her money

[IncessantNameChanger]

I have a friend who I have known for a long time, over 15 years. She is lovely but occasionally flakey. Seems terrible with money. Twice she's been broke and I have offered to lend her money which she was very slow to pay back. She has sold her house and told me she put the money in a ISA.

She has just asked me to loan her some more money. I have young kids, she doesn't and presumably has a pot of cash but prefers not to dip into it? When I ask her she tells me it's still in the isa. She keeps saying to me that she would help me out, but recently she offered to babysit ( I didn't ask) so I could go to to a family event. When I went to check the timings a few days before she told me she had made other plans. Leaving me with no child care last minute. She does things and invites say 3 friends but I'm never in that inner circle. I feel like I'm her plan b.

So all things considered I'm thinking she needs to ask her plan A friends or dip into her savings. I have been avoiding her since she asked. I just don't want to as I know she will pay me back slowly in dribs and drabs but most of all I don't want to be her default when cash runs out. Why not save up? Put money aside for emergencies? I feel like I'm going to lending her money forever. I initiallysaid yes but im regretting that now.

Say no. & delete her number. She is not your friend.

I wouldn't lend her money because, even if she were to pay you back in full and by the agreed date you will still have had the worry factor based on her track record.

The anxiety of the wait, the disappointment if you are let down, and the hit to your self esteem when you end up feeling like a mug are just not worth it.

Tell her you are unable to lend the money. You don't need to give her a reason and she doesn't need to know your private business.

Say no. If she's a genuine friend she will be fine with that response, if she kicks off she's not a good friend and it's no skin off your nose if she never speaks to you again

Your responsibility is to your children.

Absolutely not.

Don't entertain this for a minute.

Suggest she checks out her A group, because your loyalty is to your family.

@IncessantNameChanger
NEVER lend money to a user like this.
I have been a lender, and you never get it back.

It ruins friendships.
As others have said- No, you cannot loan money as you have done calculations and can’t afford it.

She isn't your friend, she is a user.

If you lend to her again, this will just be a reoccurring theme.

She sees you as a doormat

There’s NOTHING worse than tight people with money! I have a friend like this, happy to spend others $$$ cos she’s ‘saving’.
just tell her you have no money to lend. End of.
ISAs can be easily accessed.

@IncessantNameChanger
Friends are REALLY hard to get.
I have heard so many men and women saying how lonely they are, despite seemingly having friends.

It’s not easy.
People if they “ Click” with someone will eventually become a friend-
But in my early 30’s I remember terrible loneliness, it is an unspoken problem-
I mentioned to DC’s friends mum how lonely I felt ( in passing) and I didn’t see her for dust after that!
The “L” word is a taboo, yet many do feel it.

You definitely don’t need user “ Fakey friends” like this woman.

She is not much of a friend by the sounds of it. Just tell her you don't have the spare cash at the moment and leave it at that.

Simple answer - No

Does she vall you up for chats? Arrange meet ups, ask younger for coffee? If the answers no, then clearly she's not your friend. She's using you. You need to stop lending her money. If it's not too late, don't give her any, even if it's been promised. Just say, I'm sorry I can't, my situations now changed.

Look at it from her point of view: she would rather spend your money than her own money.

Don't enable her.

For the sake of your DC, if not for your own sake. Don't give it one single seconds headspace. You are not going to enable her any more.

If she asks again, just laugh and do not take her seriously. She will go find someone else to prey on.

Tell her no - cost of living crisis mean that any extra you have is being carefully saved as you are worried about bills and how you will cope. Tell her that you might be coming to her to borrow money as you are so worried!

This person is not a friend of yours. They are using you.

I've probably messed up the aibu stats by saying you are unreasonable and I think you are by virtue of even considering giving this person money.

She is not your friend. She is using you. So please don't feel guilty.

She has paid you back slowly in the past, which sounds like it's not what you agreed. But what if she doesn't repay you some or any of the money next time? There would be nothing you can do.

The length of your friendship shouldn't make you feel guilty, it should only mean her abuse of it is more disappointing. Say no. And find some new friends.

Write “No is a complete sentence” on a small chalkboard and smack her up the back of the head with it.

I'm not often blunt but I would be in this case ..... " I seem to be Plan A when you want to borrow some money but Plan B when you want to meet up with friends."

"recently she offered to babysit ... a few days before she told me she had made other plans. Leaving me with no child care last minute."

"I initiallysaid yes [to lending her money] but im regretting that now."

If she can change her mind about babysitting and leave you in the lurch, you can change your mind about lending her money. You have other plans for YOUR money.

I doubt you'd be leaving her in the lurch they way she did you, she'll just go and sponge off her 'inner circle'. Please don't feel guilty about saying no, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You probably still do feel bad about it, but that's because you're a nice person, not because you're doing anything wrong.

I'd also have a think about why you call her a friend. When we've known someone a long time (you said you've known her for over 15 years) we sometimes mistake familiarity with friendship. I don't think she is a friend, just someone you've known a long time. :(

She's not your friend, she's using you. Say no and stick to it.

As you initially said yes, it's a bit harder to say no than if you had said no in the first place. But just frame it as circumstances have changed.

No, I've looked at the finances and I can't lend you any money anymore.
Whatever she replies with just keep saying "No, I can't lend you any money"
"No, I'm not in a position to lend you any money"
"No, I won't be lending you any money now or in the future"

She's not a friend anyway. And I'd just dump her.
And do not lend to anyone else ever.

Don’t lend what you can’t afford back. She needs to deal with her finances better not dip yours.

Good post.

Never lend a friend money . It won't end well

You'll find that once you start saying no to her requests, she'll be worse and worse at being a "friend" anyway. Don't let your fear of losing a friend push you into doing favours just to keep them.

My neighbour and seemingly good friend started getting cold with me when we started to find excuses and stopped driving her around everywhere after we paid a lot of money for a new car. DH put his foot down and said to me that it was for our family use, not everyone else's just because they didn't fancy walking to the shop or getting buses to their appointments. It cost far too much of our money to be doubling the mileage we do for our own stuff and I had been guilted into putting myself out all the time just for someone who we rarely needed a favour from if at all. There's also the fact that all fuel money came out of our pockets too.

Now there's been a big fall out because she believes I did something that I didn't but as she's not spoken to me yet is calling me all sorts behind my back, it's actually quite freeing. At least I don't need to hide behind closed blinds to pretend I'm not busy and am just sitting on my ass watching tv rather than running her to a hair appointment or the sunbed place being expected to wait and drive her back! It's a shame though because I did genuinely like her. The favours were okay until it got a bit piss takey and there stopped being so much as a please in the messages.

OP, users aren't really your friend. You'll only be kept around while you are of use to them.

“Sorry mate, I’m not a bank unfortunately lol. Hope you work it out x”