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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking me to lend her money

127 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 22/09/2022 07:56

I have a friend who I have known for a long time, over 15 years. She is lovely but occasionally flakey. Seems terrible with money. Twice she's been broke and I have offered to lend her money which she was very slow to pay back. She has sold her house and told me she put the money in a ISA.

She has just asked me to loan her some more money. I have young kids, she doesn't and presumably has a pot of cash but prefers not to dip into it? When I ask her she tells me it's still in the isa. She keeps saying to me that she would help me out, but recently she offered to babysit ( I didn't ask) so I could go to to a family event. When I went to check the timings a few days before she told me she had made other plans. Leaving me with no child care last minute. She does things and invites say 3 friends but I'm never in that inner circle. I feel like I'm her plan b.

So all things considered I'm thinking she needs to ask her plan A friends or dip into her savings. I have been avoiding her since she asked. I just don't want to as I know she will pay me back slowly in dribs and drabs but most of all I don't want to be her default when cash runs out. Why not save up? Put money aside for emergencies? I feel like I'm going to lending her money forever. I initiallysaid yes but im regretting that now.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 22/09/2022 11:16

I bet that if you tell her “no”, she’ll suddenly be less enthusiastic about being your friend. Spongers are like that.

Winniewonka · 22/09/2022 11:18

I would send her a text saying that you're unable to lend the money she was expecting to borrow from you so she will have to make other arrangements. Don't say sorry, you've nothing to apologise for.
She will ask you why, say you no longer can afford it plus she hasn't stuck to the arrangement for paying it back on time e.g. making you wait three months.
Be prepared for her to plead and promise to be different this time but stand your ground. Tell her that she doesn't keep her word and use the babysitting example, stay how let down you felt.
I know it's hard to make new friends but this will be a test, a good friend would apologise and carry on the friendship regardless.

TheEggChair · 22/09/2022 11:23

Actually the best way to get rid of her is to ask to borrow money from her instead. She'll suddenly drop you like a hot potato.

Cognacsoft · 22/09/2022 11:28

I'd just reply.
I'm not a bank but I can Google several in our area for you.

caringcarer · 22/09/2022 11:31

So she has her own money but wants to spend yours.🤣

SeenYourArse · 22/09/2022 11:31

I guarantee she HASNT got a pot of money from the sale in an ISA and she in fact was in debt and has at best repaid that debt with any proceeds from the sale! No chance any sane and solvent person would be asking to borrow money from anyone if they had least of all a ‘plan B’ type friend!

HippyLife · 22/09/2022 11:33

Hi lovely,

Just remember that you don't owe this person anything, you sound like a lovely down to earth mum just trying to raise her children.

You just need to tell this person that you're unable to lend her the money, don't say sorry because you have no reason to be, don't be bitchy and go down to her level, you seem too genuine for that and don't even give a reason why not, she doesn't deserve one 😊

"Hey, I am unable to lend you the money, hope you manage to get it sorted though! Take care"

If she asks why, don't engage. If she bitches about you, don't engage. You've done nothing wrong and she will 100% try and make you feel like you have, because people like that believe they're owed something.

You don't need that type of person in your life, their are so many genuine people out there that you can make true genuine connections with 😊

You don't owe this woman a thing, just remember that x

user1471538283 · 22/09/2022 11:37

@TheEggChair - that is genius! Do that OP!

focuspocus · 22/09/2022 11:40

SeenYourArse · 22/09/2022 11:31

I guarantee she HASNT got a pot of money from the sale in an ISA and she in fact was in debt and has at best repaid that debt with any proceeds from the sale! No chance any sane and solvent person would be asking to borrow money from anyone if they had least of all a ‘plan B’ type friend!

@SeenYourArse you are probably right but it does happen, I knew someone like this who definitely had plenty of money. I think her parents were like that too.

10HailMarys · 22/09/2022 11:40

Personally, I wouldn't lend a friend money even if she wasn't flaky, because I don't really have any to spare and I also just think it's disastrous for friendships for so many reasons. But the fact that you know she has an ISA and also lets you down at the last minute for stuff suggests to me that she is taking you for a mug, so in your case I would be doubly disinclined to give her a loan!

YouOKHun · 22/09/2022 11:46

“I’ve looked at my finances again. I can’t lend you any money this time or in future”.

Do not use the word “sorry” or offer any more explanations, solutions or hopes she can find an alternative. She is a user and will probably be pissed off that you are not falling into line and any push back from her needs to be greeted with “as I said, I can’t lend money now or in the future”, rinse and repeat. She isn’t a friend.

Nippynopnop · 22/09/2022 12:01

If you have any spare cash put it in your own ISA or savings account. We all have to be saving these days. She needs to know you aren't her convenient ATM.

CantFindTheBeat · 22/09/2022 12:03

It's basically this:

"Can you lend me some money from your savings so I don't have to dip into mine?"

Not an ideal character trait in a friend.

TheHoundsOfHell · 22/09/2022 12:05

Save your money for your family.
She doesn't sound like a good friend so tell her no, then watch her disappear...

AdoraBell · 22/09/2022 12:06

Big fat No from me.

Whichwhatnow · 22/09/2022 12:13

Some people just try to take the piss. Eg. my neighbour (who I wouldn't even class as a friend) called me yesterday desperately needing to borrow £100 for an emergency (her words). Turns out after some questioning she wanted to get her roots done 😆

Just say no (and personally I would distance myself from someone who thinks it's acceptable to act like this).

Viviennemary · 22/09/2022 12:18

She sounds awful. Say no sorry I am not in a position to lend money. She needs to sort out her finances.

Lemon221 · 22/09/2022 12:32

Just tell her your boilers broken and you can’t afford to lend her money now

fucap · 22/09/2022 12:36

Just tell her your boilers broken and you can’t afford to lend her money now

No, don't tell a lie. Just say I'm no longer in a position to lend you any more money, now or in the future.

Do not apologize and do not explain.
And keep repeating the same thing no matter what she says.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/09/2022 12:46

Don't do it. I had this recently and I subsequently found out the person has a long list of people she borrows from. So my response is always no.

kateandme · 22/09/2022 12:46

What has she said she needs it for?

motherofcatsandbears · 22/09/2022 12:51

She’s a moocher and sees you as an easy mark. Just tell her no, you’ve got no cash available as it’s in an ISA.

Calandor · 22/09/2022 16:14

'No sorry, can't afford it right now. I recommend you use your own savings'

Derbee · 22/09/2022 16:27

Too many people saying “I can’t afford it”’or “sorry” or making up lies.

Just say “I’m not in a position to lend you money”

You aren’t lending money because you DON’T WANT TO. Even if you can afford it, YOU DON’T WANT TO. That’s reason enough.

Your wishes are enough. Same as pretending you have a boyfriend/husband etc if a persistent man approaches you. It implies you WOULD give him your number/have a drink etc etc if you were single. It’s totally valid to be single and STILL NOT WANT anything to do with said man.

You could have masses of savings. You still don’t want to give it to someone who doesn’t really value your friendship and just sees you as someone they can use for their own gains. So say no, and don’t feel the need to lie

Footle · 22/09/2022 19:04

Phoebe in Friends: Gee, I really wish I could help you. But, um, I don't wanna.

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