V concerned about elderly neighbour

[NoFrills01]

We have a new neighbour, she is 91 and just got here from America, no family or friends, and she is renting the three story property which is over £1000+ a month.

We live in a rural area, there are buses, but still its a long walk to get around to anywhere, she obviously has no car.

She has no internet to set up a food delivery (what she wants to do) no phone, no bank account, and is struggling to work the gas cooker ect as she is from the states and things are a little different within the home.

I have a background in care, I find it a very odd situation. She seems frail, and she seems like she has early dementia to me.

I feel she is very vulnerable, I've offered to help all I can when I'm not working but she declines.

The house is the same as ours, and the stairs are steep. I'm worried we are the only ones who basically are checking in and would notice anything.

I'm not sure what to do. I think I need to gently ask a little more information, I'm worried about her health and welfare, and I'm not sure how she will keep up with bills or even pay them? It all seems so strange. She wasn't aware the bills are going up here, and she doesn't know how to work the heating and is currently just living off the microwave.

If she could self fund, why didn’t you just get her in to a care home?

If she was wandering the streets she should have been under the care of a dementia consultant not a GP. She would have had an MRI and a long neuropsychological assessment. Then no GP would be able to claim she was “fine”.

In my experience, the I’m not judging

But if someone can self-fund and that was the intention, why do you need social care involvement.

My great uncle could self Fund so allowed us to jump over social care involvement

This.

You’re doing the right thing OP, she is fortunate to have you as a neighbour. I hadn’t heard of this before but I can absolutely see why those in desperate need could resort to such an act but also how attractive it would be for some heartless relative to take advantage of.

For those familiar with this what I don’t understand is how the authorities in the US wouldn’t be questioning where Mr or Mrs X was? Can you just slip off the radar like that? Surely if there’s property and an estate involved you need a death certificate? Or is it a case of them coming here for the free treatment and the ’relatives’ keep in touch distantly awaiting the death?

If she could self fund, why didn’t you just get her in to a care home?

Because she refused. And her idiot GP told her she was doing well to live independently.

It was only after social care reviewed her in hospital along with the medical and nursing records that they agreed she was at risk.

I don't want to hijack the thread anymore, I agree the scenario the OP describes needs checking. I just wanted to explain that "Granny dumping" is complicated. As with many things, best not to judge until you have walked in another person's shoes.

If she was wandering the streets she should have been under the care of a dementia consultant not a GP. She would have had an MRI and a long neuropsychological assessment. Then no GP would be able to claim she was “fine”.

Except you need a GP to refer to a dementia / EMI consultant.

There's something fishy about this... How did she get from the airport to a rural house with no car, phone or bank card? How did she manage to organise a rental of a middle-of-nowhere-house from the US? Someone must have helped her/dropped her off.

The fact that she seems to be unwilling/unable to give you any of those quite basic details... to me, I smell a rat.

I'd be contacting your local social services, and tell them everything you've said here.

This isn’t quite granny dumping, I think
you’re being hard on yourself . You didn’t disappear and eventually helped move her to a care home which she apparently paid for , meaning presumably you inherited less in the long run. I think anyone who’s had any dealings with elderly relatives with dementia will understand you get pushed to breaking point because “ services “ expect the (usually female) child(ren) to mop every crisis up. Been there, got a drawer full of t shirts.

You sometimes have no choice but to "abandon" the older person before you can get any real help. We tried and failed to work with SS and got nowhere until we all agreed on the next hospital admission we wouldn't travel to visit and help get them back home. It doesn't feel good but we didn't feel we had a choice at that point.

I can't speak for others experiences, but my father had these assessments ten years before we hit crisis point. He then had more scans and assessments. But still the GP insisted my father was fine, as did social services. Every time he was admitted to hospital he was sent home in a taxi.

The fashion now is "variable or fluctuating capacity" so whilst an individual may lack capacity over one decision, they are deemed to have capacity to make another, or have capacity to make the the same decision on a different day! You may have the capacity to choose only to eat marshmallows whilst lacking the capacity to choose sugar in your coffee......A diagnosis of dementia alone is insufficient reason to over ride the persons stated preferences in relation to how and where they live.

I hope OP can get some help for this lady.

Sounds like granny dumping to me and she needs a safe guarding assessment from Social Services. Her relatives cannot or will not be able to afford dementia care for his mother so has looked overseas.

How awful. Thank goodness she has you looking out for her.

Well done for caring about her. No advice except yes I definitely think you should find some way to get her some proper help.

Blimey, so odd. I'd speak to the GP and get advice from social care.

I can assure you it isn’t bullshit - because I worked on the child protection cases of two of the kids involved. They had somewhat unique names that my nurse friend mentioned to me so it wasn’t exactly difficult to make the connection!

It's estimated that about 100,000 elderly Americans are abandoned every year, by relatives who are unable or unwilling to help look after them or pay for their care

I think you need to speak to adult social services about this. They may be able to organise some home care. Poor lady

@Keha et al

So much misleading information on here of course she should report to social services as that is the kind and right thing to do and can be done anonymously.

Police will only do a welfare check if you are worried they are at risk of injury or self harm.

@NoFrills01

This is a good guide from Alzheimer’s charity

www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-together-magazine/aug-sept-2018/my-neighbour-says-shes-fine-im-worried-about-her-what-can

I have heard of people abandoning relatives so sad

Definitely contact your local mash team /adult social care. And see if there is a floating support team in the area who can help her set up a bank account etc.

Hi all,

Thanks for the messages. I've spoken to my boss and several colleagues and other friends who all agree this is very unusual and she is very vulnerable

I have messaged both landlords, with the feeler that I'm concerned the lady isn't able to use the kitchen appliances or keep warm, and that I'm trying to help, to see what they come back with.

I will go over tomorrow as she requested to see if I can get her heating on, show her how to use the cooker (again) and see if I can get her Internet running.

I will be asking some subtle questions as I go, and will definitely ask if she is registered with the GP or if she is a church goer. (I have a contact who works for our local church who can maybe drop bye to say hello)

I've also contacted my friend who works for the local age concern and organises meals on wheels.

I will see what the lady says tomorrow to get a better idea of her situation, my gut feeling is sooner or later she will struggle and we will be the only ones who are watching her. I will call social services tomorrow either way to just ask for advice

You sound very kind and caring. Hopefully she gets some help. Something seems a bit strange about her moving here in the first place I agree!

After the stories I’ve heard from friends, I don’t think it is. For example, had a mum asking to look after her child for an overnight. My friend refused as the woman has form for sending her dc on a sleepover, dumping and flying off for a weekend somewhere. These were primary school children btw aged about 7 and 9.

*my friend had a mum…

I’m glad you’ve put feelers out op. I hope the woman can get the help she needs.