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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

V concerned about elderly neighbour

242 replies

NoFrills01 · 21/09/2022 16:59

We have a new neighbour, she is 91 and just got here from America, no family or friends, and she is renting the three story property which is over £1000+ a month.

We live in a rural area, there are buses, but still its a long walk to get around to anywhere, she obviously has no car.

She has no internet to set up a food delivery (what she wants to do) no phone, no bank account, and is struggling to work the gas cooker ect as she is from the states and things are a little different within the home.

I have a background in care, I find it a very odd situation. She seems frail, and she seems like she has early dementia to me.

I feel she is very vulnerable, I've offered to help all I can when I'm not working but she declines.

The house is the same as ours, and the stairs are steep. I'm worried we are the only ones who basically are checking in and would notice anything.

I'm not sure what to do. I think I need to gently ask a little more information, I'm worried about her health and welfare, and I'm not sure how she will keep up with bills or even pay them? It all seems so strange. She wasn't aware the bills are going up here, and she doesn't know how to work the heating and is currently just living off the microwave.

OP posts:
Eeksteek · 21/09/2022 19:54

Will SS see her if she isn’t British?

Ilikewinter · 21/09/2022 20:00

None of her story makes sense, we do not have a green card system in this country so if shes not a dual citizen then shes come in under a visa, I agree thats its very concerning- someone has picked her up from the airport and rented her the house.

Original poster
NoFrills01 · 21/09/2022 20:14

She asked if I could help her with her cooker and heating on Friday. I'm going to pop in with my young child, hopefully she will see we are genuine and just want to help.

I will try and get her on the Internet (she has a laptop) so she can order food online (that's what I do and she asked me how I do it) but obviously she will need a bank account to set that up!

I realise I need to tread carefully, none of it makes sense. We do have a GP surgery so I will ask her if she is aware. We also have an age concern in the next village on I know someone who works there, I'm going to speak to my work colleagues tomorrow who are higher up in care.

She is definitely from America, and definitely around 90, she also has hardly any furniture or items and said she was cold today! Its a terrible situation it seems for her. I will make a decision either tomorrow or by Friday, I just don't understand how she was vetted to rent the property either.

OP posts:
entropynow · 21/09/2022 20:21

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 21/09/2022 17:37

I'd report to adult social care. Is she British or on a visa?

Please don't "report to social care" without asking her. They cannot intervene without the subject's knowledge or consent

icelolly12 · 21/09/2022 20:25

She may be from America, but I really doubt she has just landed in the UK as she wouldn't be able to rent a property without right to remain. It's more likely she has dementia or similar and is muddled, or she is creating a fantasy identity for whatever reason.

ConstantNameChangers · 21/09/2022 20:27

icelolly12 · 21/09/2022 20:25

She may be from America, but I really doubt she has just landed in the UK as she wouldn't be able to rent a property without right to remain. It's more likely she has dementia or similar and is muddled, or she is creating a fantasy identity for whatever reason.

I thought that
A family member adopted a USA accent when she had dementia.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/09/2022 20:32

Yes, you need to contact adult social care who will do a capacity assessment

It's very unlikely she's just landed here randomly, it's MORE likely she has dementia and needs help

If she's fine and has capacity then she won't need help from social services - and of course can decline

PolkaDotMankini · 21/09/2022 20:33

How very strange. Whether she's from the US or not, and however she came to live next door, it sounds as though she's vulnerable and needs help. That help doesn't necessarily have to come from you though. It's far more sustainable to ensure the appropriate local services are stepping in.

PatriciaHolm · 21/09/2022 20:33

Do you know the owner of the house? Is it possible she is a relative of his and is very confused/dementia?

bellabasset · 21/09/2022 20:38

@weddingDecliner That's awful!

@NoFrills01 You're being very kind and caring to this lady but I'd have to check on her as well. You can find out online who the owners of the house are from the land registry. Was the property owner occupied previously or tenanted? Luckily you're in the right profession to get advice.

YoSofi · 21/09/2022 20:39

This is really concerning.

Would calling 101 and asking for a welfare check work? The police would find this worrying surely? I don’t know the best agency to direct to other than SS but if she has capacity she would need to consent.

CactusBlossom · 21/09/2022 20:48

@NoFrills01 how lovely it must be to have you as a neighbour!

I would suggest she gets a red button alarm - it's possible that the local council runs such a scheme. Alternatively, there are private schemes. She could either wear a red button on her wrist or as a necklace. If she has a fall, or another concern, she can press the red button to summon help; she can give contacts, or have the provider do a check.

Examples here and here

LindyLou2020 · 21/09/2022 21:08

weddingDecliner · 21/09/2022 18:37

@weddingDecliner
Unfortunately we can only view this link by a) paying, or b), creating an account.

KingCharlespen · 21/09/2022 21:12

YoSofi · 21/09/2022 20:39

This is really concerning.

Would calling 101 and asking for a welfare check work? The police would find this worrying surely? I don’t know the best agency to direct to other than SS but if she has capacity she would need to consent.

Most areas have vulnerability hubs which are looked after by police and social services. It's just another route into the system and you'll have flagged up your concerns.

GreenEggsAndBabycham · 21/09/2022 21:17

LindyLou2020 · 21/09/2022 21:08

@weddingDecliner
Unfortunately we can only view this link by a) paying, or b), creating an account.

Show quote history

I managed to open and read it just fine, and I don't have an account Confused

Whydidimarryhim · 21/09/2022 21:17

There was a programme on tv about older people with I’ll health being brought here by family and left - they get free healthcare if it’s the uk you are referring too. You can call older peoples social services and ask that she has an assessment. It’s a bit odd.

Happypanda22 · 21/09/2022 21:27

You sound lovely. Agree with all of the above on a referral. The thing you do know for certain as you have observed it is that she is vulnerable and May need help - can’t shop, lack of furniture and potential early dementia. Whether she has been sent from America as she is saying or whether the story is more complicated matters less than getting her support which you are so kindly thinking of. At her age with early dementia she might be American and then I unconsciously creating a story around why she is alone. Definitely refer

LindyLou2020 · 21/09/2022 21:32

GreenEggsAndBabycham · 21/09/2022 21:17

I managed to open and read it just fine, and I don't have an account Confused

Show quote history

@GreenEggsAndBabycham How?
I clicked on the link, and was immediately faced with a pop-up message saying I had to pay, or create an account.

roopeedoopeedooo · 21/09/2022 21:46

weddingDecliner · 21/09/2022 18:37

Wtf have I just read. Good god.

sobeyondthehills · 21/09/2022 22:02

A slight derail, but a similar sort of thing has been happening in the UK, I remember when my mum was a nurse (20 odd years ago) saying she hated Christmas, because it was the time when her ward was filled with the old relatives that got dumped in there

Exhaustedcog · 21/09/2022 22:05

Refer her to your local council mash team

Poshjock · 21/09/2022 22:10

sobeyondthehills · 21/09/2022 22:02

A slight derail, but a similar sort of thing has been happening in the UK, I remember when my mum was a nurse (20 odd years ago) saying she hated Christmas, because it was the time when her ward was filled with the old relatives that got dumped in there

I witnessed an elderly woman being wheeled into to A&E waiting room and the man who put her in there just left without speaking to reception. Staff in A&E had no idea who she was or why she was there. It was Christmas Eve. An A&E nurse I know told me this happens a lot especially over Christmas.

abbs1 · 21/09/2022 22:12

So sad. I hope youre able to get her some help OP.

Keha · 21/09/2022 22:17

Hiya OP,

Adult safeguarding is for adults (with care and support needs) who are being abused or neglected by someone else. I haven't read anything that suggests she is being abused by someone else unless there is something really fishy going on. Also, care and support needs means more than just someone who is a bit older and frail. If she has capacity (i.e the mental ability to make decisions) then things can't be done without her wish. By all means you could contact social care. They might know something or could advise on local support services but may not be able to share much more with you without consent. I also doubt the police would do a welfare check unless you are suggesting there is a crime or an immediate risk to her life/wellbeing which you don't seem to be.

A lot of what you said relates to general concerns e.g. no local bus, she has steep stairs, what if she fell etc but there are potentials not necessarily things happening now (and risks a lot of older adults live with). What is happening which makes you think she has dementia? Has she done anything which indicates memory loss, does she remember who you are? What your names are? Can she get into her house, find her keys etc. Not knowing how to work the cooker or set up the internet could well just be her being in an unfamiliar environment. The whole thing sounds very odd and it makes you wonder what the background is. However somehow she has got here, someone has set up a tenancy, it appears some bills are paid (or at least initial rent has been paid). Unless something really weird is going on like the "granny dumping" link above this would suggest she has a certain level of ability or someone else making arrangements. She could be someone who is very private and there is some sort of back story and she just doesn't want to share it with you.

I do think you need to tread carefully, if you push too quickly she might back away more. Having social services/police turn up at your house unannounced can do that which is why they wouldn't necessarily just do a welfare check without a bit more info. If you feel able to offer her some support I would suggest just offering this and trying to get to know her a bit. You can see if you identify any clear signs of memory loss and confusion and it might become apparent she can/cant get the bus or get up the stairs etc and that gives you more evidence if you do feel you need to go to social services. If you don't want to get too involved then trying to get a local age concern type charity might feel like an less daunting route (than social services). So perhaps you could say you can't regularly help with shopping, internet etc but this charity can and then if she agrees you could ring them for her. They could get to know her a bit and would be well placed to refer on to other agencies. If you are really worried do call social services, and explain what you are concerned about.

Keha · 21/09/2022 22:27

I should add, she can also have a general assessment from social care around care needs. It's called a care act assessment but she'd need to consent or lack capacity around it. The onus is on the council to prove she lacks capacity not on her to prove she is "okay", so if they speak to her and she makes reasonable sense and declines assessment they generally can't go further.