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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
Summerhouse2013 · 21/09/2022 18:24

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

Totally agree with you...

derxa · 21/09/2022 18:25

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

What a lot of drama. Do what you like.

Pinkfluff76 · 21/09/2022 18:32

Your family sound delightful. Your brother is a selfish twat. I just booked my young son’s birthday party and checked dates with his friends before booking the venue. It’s not rocket science! Good luck!!

knittingaddict · 21/09/2022 18:33

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

Or first come, first served.

Anonymouseposter · 21/09/2022 18:35

I think I would send a message to your brother and his fiancé saying that you really want to be at his wedding and are gutted that you can't be there on that date but that you have already committed to be a bridesmaid at your friend's wedding and can't let her down. You also want to be at her wedding. If they desperately want you there, they can change the date. I would say similar to your parents and stick to your guns.

whynotwhatknot · 21/09/2022 18:35

my dsis was getting married so was our cousin and they knew when they date was for sis so bookd theirs a week later

you discuss with people not just say a date-and anway nothing has been booked it could easily be moved they just dont want to

whynotwhatknot · 21/09/2022 18:36

Also how do they know they'll get the exact date they want at the venue they want its ridiculous

Timetosleep21 · 21/09/2022 18:37

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

This! Can’t believe it didn’t cross his mind to check the date of the wedding you’re already committed to.

your parents are being incredibly spiteful.

I came on to say that of course you go to your brothers, then I read your post.

families eh?

OriginalUsername3 · 21/09/2022 18:37

He KNEW you were already going to a close friend's wedding that you were in the wedding party for. It's not your fault at all and he's deliberately put you in a really shit and unfair position.

Mooloolabababy · 21/09/2022 18:40

Sorry your family are behaving this way op, it must be tough Flowers
If it were me, I would go to friends wedding. If dbro really wanted you there he would have checked dates first, can't believe your parents are threatening to withdraw childcare if you don't go, that's just awful! Think I'd have to distance myself with them after their shitty behaviour Sad

cakewench · 21/09/2022 18:44

I don't have siblings but my BFF made sure the date she chose for her wedding was one I could make (as well as her sisters, obviously. Basically, she checked around first. Like a normal person would.)

Your family are going to make this about YOU choosing your friend over your brother, but he's the one who decided to not even check the calendar at his fingertips. You were low priority to him if he checked with his BM but no one else. I'm sorry.

Also, what if you were on holiday or something that week? I assume it would then be 'you're choosing that over him' and still not 'wow look how thoughtless your brother is, wtf'

Mopitgood · 21/09/2022 18:45

Your family sound deranged. You should definitely go to your friend’s wedding.

KosherDill · 21/09/2022 18:45

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

This.

Normally I'm not all "weddings are sacrosanct" but if you agreed ages ago to be a bridesmaid for your friend, and your brother didn't check with you before selecting his date, there's not much you can do. For your family to make this somehow your fault is ridiculous.

Just keep telling your parents "If he wanted me there so badly, why didn't he coordinate dates?"

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 21/09/2022 19:02

Your a major part of your friend’s wedding and a guest at your brother’s.

I would be going to your friends. You were asked by her first and she’s probably already spent a lot of money on you and your DC.

your family are being dicks with the blackmail!

Redburnett · 21/09/2022 19:02

Sadly not worth the risk of a permanent family rift, brother's wedding should be priority. Could DD be a flower girl at his wedding?

MelodyPondsMum · 21/09/2022 19:06

So your DB has booked his venue. What has your friend booked?
Fwiw if my best friend (who was my BM) had called me up to say her DB had organised his wedding for the same day, I'd have told her to go to her DB's wedding. The last thing I would want is for my wedding to cause problems for my best friend with her family.

Teenagehorrorbag · 21/09/2022 19:09

Agree with PPs. You go to your friend's wedding. You can't let her down now and your DB can probably change dates. As many have said - when I got married I contacted all the people I really wanted there and gave options, and picked a date that suited everyone. it's selfish of your DB not to have done that, and ridiculous of your parents to start making threats. For normal people, the worst case scenario would be that they (and you) would all be sad you couldn't make it, but totally understand your position.

I'm sure you're gutted too, to miss your DB's wedding. I can't understand why he wouldn't check with family first.....Flowers

GlasgowGal82 · 21/09/2022 19:14

Go to your friends wedding. I wanted my brother at my wedding but he works weird shifts and his first child was due around the time we wanted to get married. I bent over backwards to make sure the date suited him, and it even influenced which venue we went for in the end.

CatsandFish · 21/09/2022 19:14

Go to your friend's wedding. It's about honouring a prior commitment. Family is about so much more than blood, and if this friend is like your sister and you've been good to each other, and your brother is threatening you, well that says all about him. It's not right of your brother or family to threaten you. Based on their rude and disrespectful behaviour I would decline his immediately. If your brother and your family can't accept this, that's their problem and they are being unreasonable.

withgraceinmyheart · 21/09/2022 19:18

op, this is horrendous behaviour from
your brother and your parents. Im
so sorry but I would really be rethinking what relationship you want to have with them.

The people that love you will want you to have healthy friendships. They would never force you to choose like this.

noomchikka · 21/09/2022 19:19

You can't go because they're set on a date on which you're unavailable. This 'special date' means more to your future SIL than you and your DD being there. Either that of DB and future SIL are throwing their weight around.

Either way they don't prioritise you.

I changed the date of my wedding to a less convenient one because my father's only sister couldn't make the original date, before anyone comes at me.

Lemonyfuckit · 21/09/2022 19:23

You had the date of your friend's wedding first. Your brother should have checked the date with close family and friends before deciding on anything / booking the venue.

Pipsquiggle · 21/09/2022 19:26

This is a shit situation.

I would try to persuade your brother and fiance to change their date, seeing that they've only been engaged for a week.

In fact, go to the fiance as she sounds like she is the decision maker in this. Explain your predicament, find out why she is 'fixed' on this date. See if you can persuade her.

Not sure how you choose this - I guess it's who you prefer and who's comments you can put up with in the years to come - your family will definitely make comments. I would hate to miss my brother's wedding

worriedatthistime · 21/09/2022 19:27

For all your brother knows your friends could of bought dresses etc
I would speak to your brother again and if it was also on your shared family calendar they Knew
The only other option if they are in the same area is to do daytime at friends wedding and evening at brothers ?? But that seems a pain also

StoneofDestiny · 21/09/2022 19:30

Your family are behaving appallingly. You are already committed to being in the bridal party of a close friend - if they cannot accept that commitment you have, tough on them. He can change the date or venue.