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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 21/09/2022 19:32

Go to your friend's wedding, your brother has known for a long time about your friend's wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if he's deliberately planned the same date to cause drama for you.

As for your parents threatening not to help with childcare if you don't go I'd tell them then they don't get to see your children if that's how they feel.

DonnaDonna0 · 21/09/2022 19:35

If you have a family calendar I would think you have a family WhatsApp or similar. I’d make it very clear on there -
You put the date on the family calendar
It’s you closest friend
You are bridesmaid and DD flower girl
There is no way you could cancel going to this wedding when it was arranged and accepted first

Ask if your brother wanted you there so badly and your family then why didn’t they consult you or at least check the family calendar?
Reiterate you cannot cancel on your friend.

Wibbli · 21/09/2022 19:36

To be honest @WeddingsChoice your family sound awful by blackmailing you! A wedding is such a fuss! I would go to your friends - your bother can change the date if he only got engaged a week ago! He sounds like a brat to be honest.

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 19:39

Call your dm's bluff and mention the nursery your dc will be going to. She has no right to choose db's feelings over yours...

Genevieva · 21/09/2022 19:45

Your brother needs to choose a different date. My brother-in-law's work has weekend commitments, so we chose both our wedding date and christening dates to fit in with when he would be able to come. It is called communicating, rather than just dictating. Your brother will not have booked a venue yet. You have a pre-existing commitment to a close friend and he needs to keep that in mind.

Craftybodger · 21/09/2022 19:47

Normally I would say family takes priority, but this friend sounds like family. It’s a long-standing commitment. He’s crashed the date and you;ve immediately flagged the clash, he changes the date or accepts you won’t be there.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/09/2022 19:47

Etinoxaurus · 21/09/2022 16:37

He needs to change the date!
Flowers

This!

He has just got engaged.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/09/2022 19:50

If you're close enough to someone to be in their bridal party, you cannot sack them off for someone else, whoever that someone else happens to be.

Bro (and family) is being ridiculous even suggesting it.

ilovesushi · 21/09/2022 19:51

I can't believe your brother booked the same date! Surely he knew you were already committed to your friend's wedding? What an awful position to be in. We turned our wedding around fairly quickly and because of that we checked before booking anything that the dates were going to work with family.

saddowizca · 21/09/2022 19:52

That's a crappy position to be in. So you and your brother and SIL normally get on well? If so hopefully you can sort something out.
Is there anyway you can go to both? I'm suprised that your parents aren't being a bit more reasonable about it. At the end of the day though, as much as it will really rankle, I think you need to go to your brothers.

starfishmummy · 21/09/2022 19:52

Give that your event is on the shared calendar and that he only got engaged last week, it sounds like he's don't that deliberately.

toddlingtortoise · 21/09/2022 19:56

People would really go to a friends wedding over a brothers wedding, like they’d really actually do it? I get being pissed off but who doesn’t go to s siblings wedding, yes I’d be pissed off but no way would I not go. And if I was the friend and found out you were missing your brothers wedding I would do everything in my power to persuade you to go to your brothers wedding. Also I’m not suprised your parents are pissed off. There may be 100 reasons why it’s that date but ultimately family first. Sorry

Sundayvibes · 21/09/2022 20:03

Some of the replies to this thread…!
typical ott netmum advise, including insults towards her brother & family!
plus advise on gaslighting her brother.
you couldn’t make it up on here at times

Ginger1982 · 21/09/2022 20:10

Is there any reason your brother hasn't asked your daughter to be a FG at his wedding?

He knows you've committed to your friend so he's being very unreasonable to my mind. DH and I had picked our date, booked the church and venue and then my MIL told me her brother (DH's uncle) couldn't make it because he had a wedding the same day. I immediately agreed to change the date and cancelled everything and rebooked it.

mondegreen · 21/09/2022 20:16

Your family are behaving very callously toward your friend, they don't sound very nice. Go to your friend's wedding, she asked first, she's relying on you.

CactusBlossom · 21/09/2022 20:20

You are party of the ceremony itself for your friend. Apparently, not so for your brother... Your brother didn't check whether you were free and hasn't asked you to take a key role - you just happen to be on the guest list. Your friend has you and your DD for key roles in your wedding. I understand some people saying "put your family first", but in that context it's not what your brother did. Your were told when the wedding was, but you were not invited to have a special role in the proceedings.

"You can choose your friends, but you are born with your family". Your friend would be devastated if you were to cancel participating at her wedding (and your DD would be too). It's unfortunate that your brother chose the same date for his wedding as your friend's wedding, but your friend booked you first (and well in advance), and gave you and your DD key roles in her wedding.

I think it's arrogant of your brother to say he should come first. He has parents, grandparents and other family invited. It's emotional blackmail for your parents to say they "will never forgive you or help you out with childcare again". It's a question of honour and responsibility. You have given your word to your friend. Your brother will either get over it, or not; he'd not involved you in making arrangements, he's just announced the date and expected you to make yourself available. You can't, and you have explained why. The only possibility that I can see is if the events are not too far apart geographically, whether you might be able to attend part of the reception for your brother's wedding.

Don't be guilt-tripped into letting your friend down. If it meant that much to your brother for you to be at his wedding, he would have mentioned it to you before (and have given you a formal role).

birthdaytou · 21/09/2022 20:20

When I read the title my initial reaction was of course go to your brother’s wedding but on actually reading the details I think he’s being very unreasonable and you should go to your friends. Checking the date with family before booking it is common sense and curtesy. Your brother has just got engaged and should move his date. It’s outrageous that your parents are using childcare as emotional blackmail.

gamerchick · 21/09/2022 20:20

Has he actually booked the registrar? He may not be able to have the date yet.

But no, the way they're going on this is absolutely the hill I would die on and it would start in stopping using parents for childcare if they can use it as a threat.

Dorisbonson · 21/09/2022 20:23

Absolutely brother over friend. It's no contest. You probably won't even know your friend in 20 years.

onlythreenow · 21/09/2022 20:26

Given that your family sound so unreasonable I would cheerfully go to the friend's wedding and not give them a second thought. Honestly, the more I read on MN about other people's families, the more thankful I am for mine! You have accepted roles at your friend's wedding and you are very close - there is no contest. Family do not always come first.

gamerchick · 21/09/2022 20:27

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:42

My brothers date is booked in with the venue they want to use apparently and they've started looking at other things like cars and brothers asked his best man, but that's it. They've been talking about getting engaged for a few months apparently they just made it official last week.

Have they booked the registrar though? So many people do it back to front just to find out they can't get the date they want.

Furrydogmum · 21/09/2022 20:27

Friends are the family you choose! Would you choose your family after they have been so manipulative and downright mean?

onlythreenow · 21/09/2022 20:32

Absolutely brother over friend. It's no contest. You probably won't even know your friend in 20 years.

What a ridiculous statement. I have known the friend who was my bridesmaid for all my life - I'm 63. Conversely, my exH hasn't spoken to his brother for around 25 years, except for civil conversation at their DF's recent funeral - and the next time they speak will probably be when his DM dies.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/09/2022 20:34

Boreded · 21/09/2022 17:56

I feel a reverse coming

Why?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/09/2022 20:36

Dorisbonson · 21/09/2022 20:23

Absolutely brother over friend. It's no contest. You probably won't even know your friend in 20 years.

Why wouldn't she? I've been friends with my 3 closest friends for over 30 years