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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
Cruisebabe1 · 21/09/2022 18:04

Why try to blackmail you regarding childcare??

CornishGem1975 · 21/09/2022 18:04

I'd stick with the one I'd already committed to. Tough tits!

Queenieloveforever · 21/09/2022 18:05

Ridiculous. Go to your friends. If your brother cared that much he’d have checked/ would change it. Sounds like general manipulation and guilt trip to me.

Cw112 · 21/09/2022 18:06

If your brother has known this date has been out for you for a year then he should have thought of that when he booked his wedding. Its a real pickle because if you weren't in the bridal party for the other wedding I'd have said the opposite but it's hard when you've accepted to play two roles in your friends wedding to drop out. If I were your DB I'd have asked my venue could they accommodate another date so you could be there...? How far away are the weddings from each other- could you do the day and be bridesmaid and flower girl at your friends, do the photos and then make it to the reception part of your brothers so you can be at both?

Queenieloveforever · 21/09/2022 18:06

Very strange regarding the childcare. That’s just blackmail. Perhaps your response should be that it’s a shame they won’t be seeing so much of their grandchild if they are going to be that petty (as in you will restrict access!)

TheOtherHotstepper · 21/09/2022 18:08

The first in the calendar is the one you go to. Simple as that. Your DB may be able to change his date. If he can, all well and good. If not, then I'm sure everyone will get over it.

We had this some years ago in our friendship group. I booked mine first, then someone else got engaged and booked the same date. He would not have taken much notice of my date and I didn't know his fiancee. Some of our friends picked one or the other, one decided it was too difficult and came to neither but gave us both nice presents and some were more hardcore and went to theirs in the day and ours in the evening. It will all work out.

Queenieloveforever · 21/09/2022 18:08

I hope so @Boreded !!! Then they might see how ridiculous they are being!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/09/2022 18:09

I'd stick to the friends wedding. Not particularly because you booked it first but because your family are being arseholes.

Firstly your brother booked it on the one day that he was aware in the whole of the year that you couldn't make. H

Then he is demanding that you let down your friend and daughter because this is preferable than having a lesser preferred date for his fiance or just saying 'what a shame you cant make it'. He has made his problem your problem

Then your family are trying to bully and manipulate you into doing what they want. They will never forgive you or do any childcare is petty, disproportionate and just pretty nasty

Shinyandnew1 · 21/09/2022 18:10

Your family are being vile!

My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go

How much childcare do they currently do for you?

BlooberryBiskits · 21/09/2022 18:11

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 17:54

Will suggest a different day I can literally do any other date apart from this one!

I actually like the finance and think they make a lovely couple, no idea the significance of that date though so maybe a chat to her too? I have her mobile number so can text/call her.

^ I would do that and explain how excited your DD is about being a flower girl, no little girl wants to miss that : I expect your future SIL would get it that your best friend’s wedding is important to you & they are much further down the line!

Quartz2208 · 21/09/2022 18:12

Yep friends - she is like family to you

Clymene · 21/09/2022 18:12

He should have checked with you that you were free. Idiot.

Lunabun · 21/09/2022 18:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2022 16:52

Family doesn't come first when they're happy to ignore pre-existing plans and use the care of grandchildren to manipulate people.

I'd refuse on principle if someone threatened me like that. Every decision they don't like is open to this nonsense if you give in.

I'd be horrified if my family did this (wouldn't put it past the in-laws).

Totally agree.

I think it's a far more rude and hurtful thing to drop out of your friend's wedding given the fact it was arranged far more in advance, and it seems that you and your daughter make up a large percentage of the wedding party.

The fact that your family sounds manipulative and nasty just seals the deal.

Turn it around. Tell your brother and parents how hurt you are that he deliberately booked it on a day you couldn't attend.

bringbackveronicamars · 21/09/2022 18:13

YANBU

The date was on the family calendar for all to see. You are part of your best friend's wedding party, as is your daughter.

If he wants you there, he shouldn't have booked that date.

Brefugee · 21/09/2022 18:13

When my bother got married there was no way I could make the date (different country 2 days after due date). My pregnancy was known for 6 months before he picked a date (to be fair his fiancée picked the date. She knew my due date when I knew it)

They moved it back.. 3 weeks. So I still couldn't go. I never mention it to them. But I am very bitter

Iwanttoholdyourham · 21/09/2022 18:13

I'd prioritise close family. **

** Your friends are the family you choose and based on how your blood relatives are treating you, she's your closest family member.

Dreamingcats · 21/09/2022 18:14

I'd go to the friend's wedding, no question.

You've already agreed.
You're in the bridal party.
Your brother should have checked you're free before choosing a date and it's so early if it's that important to him he should change it.
I don't give in to manipulation and threats.

Maray1967 · 21/09/2022 18:14

Your brother and parents’ comments are appalling. He needs to change the date if he wants you there.
I would ignore your parents’ threat - unless they repeat it. Then I would calmly reply that you will make alternative childcare arrangements and I would not be visiting them or hosting them for a long time.

Lunificent · 21/09/2022 18:15

Your parents childcare withdrawal threat is really horrible. Of course they have a right to withdraw from this arrangement but really mean to use it as a threat.

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/09/2022 18:16

If you have contact details of the fiancée then it might be prudent to have a tactful chat with her. It wouldn't be right to back out of a prior engagement on the basis of a second event, especially when your role is actually more than ordinary wedding guest (although integrity alone says it would be bad form to back out of any wedding because of another offer). Your DB's fiancée would not be happy if a guest of hers dropped out because they had another offer, especially one of the wedding party. Hopefully she will be reasonable.

NotJustAnybody · 21/09/2022 18:17

Go to your friend's wedding. You and your DD have important roles and it was booked well before your DB's.
Your family are being very controlling. I'd tell them that if it was so important, he would have checked with both sides of the family before booking anything and picked another date. What if you were going on a holiday abroad, would they have expected you to cancel that too? He has messed up but that's not your fault.

Midlifemusings · 21/09/2022 18:20

People have family calendars with their parents and adult siblings?

I have never heard of that! What program do you use?

What all do you post on it?

PortalooSunset · 21/09/2022 18:21

YANBU to prioritise the wedding you'd already agreed to, not at all.
In your situation I'd find it very hard to forgive that bribery/threat from your parents re childcare too. That's just awful.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 21/09/2022 18:22

I’d attend my Friends wedding absolutely no question. Odd that your parents are using childcare against you, don’t they want to see your DC. They’re bluffing.

Gymnopedie · 21/09/2022 18:23

OP what's your relationship with your SIL-to-be like? presumably she has access to the family calendar through your brother even if she's not on it herself?

I'm wondering whether her 'having her heart' set on that day is deliberate, to force you to choose and in the expectation that you will cancel your friend. Ie is this a form of attempted control? Is DB golden child and she's picked up on that and is treating you the same as the rest of your family?