Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/09/2022 17:44

To completely go off on a tangent, I would be pissed off that my daughter hadn't been adked to be a part of your brother's wedding party!

Is there a bit of a back story between you and his fiancee?

Leeds2 · 21/09/2022 17:46

Do you and DD live with your parents and brother, OP? Only ask because of the shared family calendar (seems a bit unusual to me to have a shared calendar with people you don't live with).
My choice would be to go to your friend's wedding but, if you do live with them and especially if you rely on your parents for childcare, drop offs etc, I would be very wary of alienating them as it will cause you a lot of hardship and probably a horrible home atmosphere for your daughter in the future. That said, I think your parents are being very unreasonable.

Crazykatie · 21/09/2022 17:48

I’d go to both if possible, I’ve done it as a guest but they were only a few miles apart. Have you spoken to your brother he probably hasnt checked dates, are they really fixed so soon after emgagement

Blueberrywitch · 21/09/2022 17:48

Go to friends wedding for sure. Your CF of a brother should change his date if he is so bothered and your parents should be pressuring him to do that rather than pressuring you to let down a friend!!

Popaholic · 21/09/2022 17:50

Go to your friend’s wedding. Your DB should have checked the date with you if it was v important for your to be there. He will understand, just apologise a lot and say how sorry you are to miss it… maybe you could be there for a wedding rehearsal dinner or something?!

CassandraBarrett · 21/09/2022 17:51

Friends one takes priority here

Hollywolly1 · 21/09/2022 17:52

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:45

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date.

Friend has started booking dress fittings although we've not had one yet.

Well I'm sure that special date would be available the following year🤐
I'm sure your little girl must be so excited to be flower girl

DoNotGetADog · 21/09/2022 17:54

Your parents sound like absolute dicks.

They’ve made their feelings and priorities very clear and they’ve immediately threatened you re the childcare. Don’t use them for any childcare again. If they do a lot, then make other arrangements. Let them know that they can’t push you around and that their words have consequences.

Even if it’s just a threat, it’s really horrible and bullying.

They’ve made everything much worse. It was already a difficult situation, but as it’s a longstanding commitment to an important friend and you and DD both are in the wedding party, I would def go to the friend’s wedding.

whiteroseredrose · 21/09/2022 17:54

I'd go to your friend's wedding as you have already said that you will.

First commitment stands in the Rose household.

Original poster
WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 17:54

Will suggest a different day I can literally do any other date apart from this one!

I actually like the finance and think they make a lovely couple, no idea the significance of that date though so maybe a chat to her too? I have her mobile number so can text/call her.

OP posts:
Mexicola · 21/09/2022 17:55

In my opinion it’s nothing to do with who’s wedding it is - whether that be your friend or your brother.

Its whoever asked you first and you confirmed yes.

if you already have another commitment then you do.

Why on earth did he book it for a date knowing you weren’t available.

your parents are out of order too using childcare as a blackmail. I’d say fine and make other arrangements so they can never use it as a hold over you again

Bestcatmum · 21/09/2022 17:55

They can't be worth much as a family if they banish you and take it out on your children forever. Id tell them that.

Boreded · 21/09/2022 17:55

Is your brother usually a control freak. He needs to change the date or you can’t go…simple

Boreded · 21/09/2022 17:56

I feel a reverse coming

holidaynightmare · 21/09/2022 17:57

00100001 · 21/09/2022 16:30

Go to your brother's wedding.

Exactly he's family I can't believe you even have to ask!

Dacadactyl · 21/09/2022 17:58

Has your brother booked anywhere yet? Or paid deposits for anything?

sparklecement · 21/09/2022 17:58

Absolutely go to your friends wedding you’ve committed to that.

I think it’s pretty disgusting the outburst from your parents and your brother if I’m honest.

Summerfun54321 · 21/09/2022 17:59

Totally your brother’s fault for not checking if you were free. You could have booked a very expensive holiday on that date or any number of things that would have been difficult to rearrange.

mam0918 · 21/09/2022 17:59

Go to the friends wedding.

He got engaged last week then I highly doubt he has actually booked and sorted a wedding yet, they are still clearly the covid backlog people who have had venues booked for years have been struggling to get the legalities sorted so I doubt he has sorted everything in 7 days.

I would simply tell him flat out we are busy that day, he can book his wedding then if he want but its on the understanding that you will not be there and HE is making that choice to book a day you can't attend.

AngeloMysterioso · 21/09/2022 18:00

YANBU, your friend got in there first. We had to change the date of our wedding because our Best Man was double booked.

GG1986 · 21/09/2022 18:01

Go to your friends wedding, it's your brothers fault for chosing the exact same date and for your family to try and blackmail you by saying they won't speak to you or look after your children is awful!

MelodyPondsMum · 21/09/2022 18:02

Have either of them booked venues, caterers, church, etc? Is there a reason why your DB picked that date?

Redqueenheart · 21/09/2022 18:02

Keep your existing plans.

Your brother should have checked first that the close family members he really wanted to be at his wedding could attend before booking a date.

It seems it was public knowledge that you and your daughter were an important part of your friend's wedding.

As for people who just parrot ''family first'', that does not give family members a right to dictate what you do with your time or to fail to plan adequately and then expect people to just drop previous important engagements and let other people down.

RoachTheHorse · 21/09/2022 18:03

mam0918 · 21/09/2022 17:59

Go to the friends wedding.

He got engaged last week then I highly doubt he has actually booked and sorted a wedding yet, they are still clearly the covid backlog people who have had venues booked for years have been struggling to get the legalities sorted so I doubt he has sorted everything in 7 days.

I would simply tell him flat out we are busy that day, he can book his wedding then if he want but its on the understanding that you will not be there and HE is making that choice to book a day you can't attend.

This.

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/09/2022 18:04

My sister didn't come to my wedding because she had a holiday booked. I was a surprised she wouldn't travel a day later as it was a UK holiday. Did I say this or get upset, no.

Often there are very few dates when you start looking when you have to take into account the parents and wedding party. After that you just have to accept some people will not be able to come.