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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
Bunchymcbunchface · 22/09/2022 19:08

Your brother got engaged a week ago and wants you to change a wedding you’ve had booked for some time?
yoyr brother IBU

RachandO · 22/09/2022 19:19

Seeing as you're friend is like a sister and you're close to your brother, I would insist that you'll be sticking with your friends wedding. It's been arranged for some time and your DD sounds so excited. Your family are being extremely unreasonable with you. Good luck x x

momtoboys · 22/09/2022 19:20

Friend asked first. You are in her bridal party. Go to friends wedding.

schoolsoutforever · 22/09/2022 19:24

Ouch, it’s one day…they’ll get over it. They won’t disown you because of one day; like most things it’ll blow over. Weddings always seem important at the time but really nobody will care in a few months and if they do they would be a bit nuts. Do what you want. Personally I think the first dibs gets it but you should decide for yourself.

schoolsoutforever · 22/09/2022 19:25

*Och …stupid RP autocorrect

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2022 19:25

What's the timing and distances between weddings? Is it possible for you to be with your friend in the daytime and then go over to your brother?

I think it depends on if you think your fnaimy with all go NC with you and how you feel about that. In your situ, as the best friend I'd be gutted but would accept if you chose your brother

Choconut · 22/09/2022 19:26

I'd go to a best friend's wedding over my brothers any day, especially if she asked first. He obviously knew he'd double booked you and just assumed you'd dump your friend, he sounds a bit of a self centred asshole IMO.

daisychain01 · 22/09/2022 19:27

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:45

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date.

Friend has started booking dress fittings although we've not had one yet.

How can someone set their heart on a date?

i can understand setting their heart on a venue, a location, a time of year but on a date?

i smell bullshit.

Choconut · 22/09/2022 19:27

And if your family cut you off over something that is basically your brothers own fault then they're all assholes too.

Bananarama21 · 22/09/2022 19:28

Going agaist the grain. My best mate couldn't attend my wedding as her sister inlaws was the same day. I totally understood and family comes first. She still came to my hen and we had a good time.

Greencoatblue · 22/09/2022 19:28

All those saying "family first" seem to forget that the brother is not going by this sentiment. His sister and niece committed last year to be bridesmaid and flowergirl for the friend. They are 'his family', and yet he would have his sister let down a dear friend, and his niece be incredibly upset at losing her longed for role as flowergirl. Despite his niece being family, she is not to be part of the bridal party, so not that important to him then? As for the parents, have they lost sight of their daughter and granddaughter being 'family'? What sort of person doesn't think your word is your bond, just something to be broken if it's more convenient. He knew the op had this wedding next year, the arrogance of thinking she should let other people down on his whim is astounding.

SeptemberAlexandra · 22/09/2022 19:29

Go to your friends wedding. You have already accepted and are part of the bridal party. It would be more of a dilemma if your brother and his fiancée wanted you and your daughter in their bridal party, but they don’t. Your family are being incredibly unreasonable and manipulative.

CountryMouse22 · 22/09/2022 19:29

Are they too far apart for you to flit from one to the other?! It's quite a dilemma, I must say. But Bro should have checked.

AverageJoan · 22/09/2022 19:30

I would stick with your friends wedding. It was in first and you are part of the bridal party. DB should've checked the dates and your family should stop being so manipulative.

Leeds2 · 22/09/2022 19:31

Do you know why your brother, or his bride to be, are so fixated on that particular date? I mean, is it one of them's birthday, the day he proposed, the anniversary of the day they met etc?
Whatever, I would still go to friend's wedding.

Freedomfighters · 22/09/2022 19:32

I would go to your friend's wedding. Your brother knew you were busy. He chose that date anyway. It's his problem. Not yours.

IrisVersicolor · 22/09/2022 19:34

Never heard of anyone setting a wedding date without checking that their family are free (if they want them to go that is). Really dumb thing to do.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/09/2022 19:42

I think your Brother's lying that he's booked a wedding date the same as your friend's. So, on that premise act accordingly. Before even posting here I'd have asked for date, time, venue of his wedding. Very specifically. + why he can't change the date. Call him out.

You can't be that close, after all. My DBs would discuss dates with me/all siblings just as a matter of course and in conversation.

Original poster
WeddingsChoice · 22/09/2022 19:42

The date I think is the date they had their first date, but I'm not 100% sure, they've been together a while but only recently got "officially" engaged with a ring and actual proposal they've been talking about a wedding on and off for years though. But it could also be purely because my parents aren't invited to friends wedding and my Ex-PILs are invited and have accepted.

I haven't had chance to sit and talk to either DBro or STBSIL yet, but I'll probably see them over the weekend.

Not sure on exact venue yet for DBros but if close enough I'd consider trying to do both if they won't move the date but it does feel like I'm short changing my friend doing that.

My parents aren't together anymore. My DD is their only grandchild though. I could see my mum not wanting to lose us but my dad doesn't speak to either of his own siblings for lesser crimes (Uncle was seen speaking to my brothers ExGF years after they split up, they split due to not liking each other that way anymore and are still friends. Aunt was on holiday at the same time as Dad and he has no-one to care for his pets so he had to pay a professional, literally thats all they did).

OP posts:
Olsi109 · 22/09/2022 19:44

Friends wedding all the way. I'd tell my DB not to dictate to me what my priorities should be and I'd also tell my parents to get fecked! And I'd stop the childcare and baby sitting/contact myself if my parents threatened/tried to blackmail me with this because I wouldn't obey their commands. Disgraceful from your parents! I wouldn't even ask my DB to change the date with that attitude. Enjoy being FG and BM.

twinmum2007 · 22/09/2022 19:45

You won't lose your family but you might have to.put up with snide comments for a while. Maybe years. But, stick with your friend because a) she asked first and b) you're in the bridal.party and c) it will cause them.more hassle and possibly money for you to back out now. Oh and d) if your brother knew and didn't care, then-, meh. Friends are the family we pick for ourselves. Stick with your friend.

nancydroo · 22/09/2022 19:46

Go to your friend's wedding. You've explained it to your brother. He can just suck it up.

DillDanding · 22/09/2022 19:50

You made a commitment to your friend first and you should keep it.

Your brother should understand.

I would never let a friend down purely because the alternative is 'family'.

Noteverybodylives · 22/09/2022 19:52

You made a commitment to your friend first and so there’s not a lot you can do.
Although i’d be absolutely gutted to miss my brother’s wedding.

Is there any chance of doing both?

User135792468 · 22/09/2022 19:57

Blood is thicker than water. You go to your brothers wedding. I understand you are torn and you want to go to your friends but this is your brother. It shouldn’t be a consideration.