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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 21/09/2022 21:00

I would go back to your parents and say that you assume that your brother doesn’t really care if you are there or not. That there was one day in the next 12/24/36 months that you definitely couldn’t do. He knew you were going to your friends wedding and you shared the date. That he picked that one date, does rather suggest he doesn’t want you there.

TowerRavenSeven · 21/09/2022 21:25

Blood is thicker than water

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/09/2022 21:46

TowerRavenSeven · 21/09/2022 21:25

Blood is thicker than water

It really isn't for a lot of people

Mexicola · 21/09/2022 22:30

Redburnett · 21/09/2022 19:02

Sadly not worth the risk of a permanent family rift, brother's wedding should be priority. Could DD be a flower girl at his wedding?

Yes but it’s not the OP causing the rift is it? It’s the DB and his lack of thought/belief that she should back out prearranged plans

44PumpLane · 21/09/2022 22:52

Your brother has been engaged less than a week and you have committed to being bridesmaid and your daughter to be flower girl for your friend.......you honour your commitment to your friend.

If your brother was genuinely interested in you being at his wedding he should have checked the date with you.

Your parents are being ridiculous as well by the way.

44PumpLane · 21/09/2022 22:54

TowerRavenSeven

Blood is thicker than water

Scientifically accurate, of absolutely no relevance to real life or this scenario.

Ridiculous trope!

Inyournewdress · 21/09/2022 22:56

I didn’t quite take on what your parents had threatened, that is outrageous…I assume they have form for that kind of thing. Whatever ends up happening, I would seriously reflect on their behaviour and what it says.

frazzledasarock · 22/09/2022 07:38

OP hasn’t been advised to ‘gaslight’ anyone. She’s been advised to get angry and go on the offensive.

her family has so far chosen the one single date in the calendar she and her DD have a prior very important commitment.
her family has tried to blackmail her with withdrawing childcare of their grandchild if she doesn’t capitulate.
her brother has shrugged it off saying he should come first. When he’s ignored her availability which she shared on the family calendar over a year ago.
OP isn’t even important enough for her oh so important faaaaamily to be a part of the wedding party she’s invited as a guest.

and as to she won’t know her friends my close friends I’ve known for decades my oldest friend I’ve known for forty years we are there for eachother, thro births, marriages, divorces, sharing happy and sad times together.

no way would I flake out on a friend who was relying on me to be there on her wedding day, for faaaaamly who couldn’t care less about OP’s attendance. If they did they’d have checked with OP for her availability (we did with family and the bridal party).

jeaux90 · 22/09/2022 07:57

OP I couldn't let my friend or my DD down if it was me.

Brefugee · 22/09/2022 08:43

I would go back to your parents and say that you assume that your brother doesn’t really care if you are there or not. That there was one day in the next 12/24/36 months that you definitely couldn’t do. He knew you were going to your friends wedding and you shared the date. That he picked that one date, does rather suggest he doesn’t want you there.

agree with this. I explained upthread that i wasn't at my brother's wedding and why - and it's the same thing. If he wanted you there, he wouldn't pick the one date when you're committed elsewhere. Wish him luck. And see what happens.

As for your parents? that is outrageous. Make alternative childcare arrangements and let them do the running to see you and your DD. You may or may not always be available.

quietnightmare · 22/09/2022 08:47

So hard this one. I would speak to his fiancé as you get in with her and let her know. A woman would usually understand this issue better than a man especially one that's your brother as it seems clear cut to him. Women seem to understand how complicated relationships can be so have a chat with her and just see

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 22/09/2022 08:48

Go to your friend’s wedding, you’re hardly going to enjoy going to your brother’s wedding if you’ve been bullied into attending are you?

Lunabun · 22/09/2022 09:27

Midlifemusings · 21/09/2022 18:20

People have family calendars with their parents and adult siblings?

I have never heard of that! What program do you use?

What all do you post on it?

I've never heard of adults doing that with parents and siblings either, but I do think it's a great idea! I might suggest it to my family.

Me and my husband use an app called Cozi for our calendar, I imagine it would work in this scenario too 😊

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 22/09/2022 10:33

Honestly if a different date will completely ruin the day for them both, they aren't mature enough to get married and it will likely end in divorce anyway. I'd go to your friends, you've had that booked for ages and he knew.

sparklecement · 22/09/2022 11:21

Dorisbonson · 21/09/2022 20:23

Absolutely brother over friend. It's no contest. You probably won't even know your friend in 20 years.

I haven't seen my brother in 37 years. In the same 37 years my best friend and I see each other every 2 weeks, speak more than that and were bridesmaid at each others weddings.

OP your brother is behaving like a brat.

DangerNoodles · 22/09/2022 12:05

If your DB and SIL aren't usually arseholes then there is probably some sound reasoning behind the date/ choice of venue. When everyone has calmed down a bit, sit down with your brother and try to find out why. Do they want to start a family maybe and don't want to wait another year to use that date and venue? Is the date an anniversary for something important? Is the venue of some significance and is booked up aside from that date. To be fair to them you can't expect your friend's wedding to dictate thier plans either.

As much as it would pain me to disappoint a friend, I couldn't risk causing a rift between an otherwise close family. Before you make any decisions though, do try to find out the reasoning, it may be something important.

Thinking2022 · 22/09/2022 18:02

my initial reaction was YABU then I read the details and I dont understand why your brother cannot change his date given your date has been in the family calendar for a year. Being a Bridesmaid is a big deal and your friend's wedding includes your children too. Have you asked why he chose the one date in a year you simply cannot do?

Tessabelle74 · 22/09/2022 18:09

Your brother could easily picks different date! He's being an arse

VanishingViolet · 22/09/2022 18:11

Your DB is BU and should have checked first!

Stick to your guns and tell him if he can’t change the date, you can’t sadly attend.

Glitterbubble · 22/09/2022 18:17

Engaged last week? No way their date can be set in stone. Sounds like he’s being awkward

Notsoglamanymore · 22/09/2022 18:19

I can’t quite believe that anyone actually thinks it reasonable that the OP chose her brother in these circumstances.

If it had been a case of both friends and brother had chosen the same date and both asked you at the same time then yes I would say to go with your brother but you can’t just bail out on something that has been planned, especially something like being involved in a wedding party, just because brother has chosen the same date.

If the OPs family were being reasonable and fair they would accept being disappointed but would also realise that she’s in a difficult position and that she’s already made a commitment for which she shouldn’t be expected to back out of.

But instead, they’re being manipulative and incredibly immature and trying to emotionally manipulate her into doing what they want her to do.
OP I would personally go to the friends wedding, I assume once your parents Realise they can’t hold you to ransom they will back down as I would hope they won’t want to cut off their grandchildren, if not then I would take it as them showing you who they truly are and be grateful that your children don’t have to grow up around that kind of influence.

Grrrrdarling · 22/09/2022 18:51

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

1st wedding trumps brothers as yhat has been planned for longer & you are actually a part of that wedding party not just a guest.
Your brother & his now fiancé should have checked the date before booking anything but if they only got engaged last week I doubt the date is set in stone so they could not be NBAH & change the date of their wedding so you can be there.

DMW60 · 22/09/2022 18:53

I would attend friends, plans have been made, dresses bought etc. If brother was aware of the date and he’s only just got engaged, then his plans are not set in stone.

Cotswoldmama · 22/09/2022 19:05

I'd go to your friend's wedding. You've already accepted their invitation and you're members of the wedding party. You also told your family you were busy on that day. When my husband and I booked our wedding day we checked with close family and friends first before booking the day to check they could come. Your brother should have done this.

Lalliella · 22/09/2022 19:07

You should honour the first commitment. Your brother should’ve checked the date, especially as it’s in the family calendar, he can change his date as he’s only just got engaged. Your family sound nasty and manipulative by the way.