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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

370 replies

doggiemum247 · 21/09/2022 09:34

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

OP posts:
ExHack · 21/09/2022 10:54

The shitting can't be helped, but he didn't need to leave his stinky pants on your chair. (Leave them on his pillow for him to find this evening!)

rogueone · 21/09/2022 10:55

To be honest I was going to come along and say YABU however it sounds like you do all the childcare stuff and work too. Your DH lies in as you get up early to get organised before your baby gets up. Then he heads off for the standard man toilet trip. Which tends to involve them sitting their avoiding family life while they read the news paper. Then pull the aghast face that you dare challenge them as they were 'just in the toilet'.

The fact he left his dirty pants on your work chair is truly disgusting and to me is a statement in itself.

rainbowunicorn · 21/09/2022 10:55

OP I think you should try and take a step back and look at what you have written from an outside perspective. You really are being very unreasonable.
There is no reason that you can't have breakfast, if the baby gets a bit whingy pop her on a playmat with some toys and char with her while you eat / prepare food.
How do you think single parents manage to eat, wash, dress etc?
What about two parent families where one of the parents is out the door at 4.30 am for work.
You are going to cause yourself no end of problems if you continue to be so ridgid. It really won't do the baby any harm to entertain herself with some toys for 10 mins. She is 9 months old not a newborn.

Aussiegirl123456 · 21/09/2022 10:55

Far out, I’m just imagining the luxury of having an extra pair of hands every morning to assist with multiple children before I have to leave the house with them, for nursery, school and work. A gal can dream.

TheBoxOfWhat · 21/09/2022 10:57

Please tell me that on a weekend your Dh has single handedly done the whole breakfast routine by himself. Just to see what he is skipping out on if he misses it in the morning. It seems that either you do it or the two of you do it. Has he ever done it solo?

YABU about it all but I do understand that if someone is physically able to join in the breakfast routine it can make life easier. However, you need to eat, stop pandering to your baby, let her whinge whilst you eat or find something for her to entertain herself with.

sjxoxo · 21/09/2022 10:57

You do sound a bit rigid BUT I would feel the same as you. I get your routine needs esp if you’re busy etc.

He sounds like a right charmer! I would get dolled up and go on a few nights out. He sounds a bit like you’re living with a teenager… also 20 minutes is a long time imo 😂 I would tell him to see a doctor about that! I think it’s more likely he’s a bit lazy and doesn’t want to participate in the ways you would like.

Also I can tell from your post you are doing a lot of the mental load in your relationship…organising/planning/coordinating the routines to get everyone’s needs met. I expect he is a falling short of your expectations. That needs addressing really I think for the long term success of your relationship. Maybe you could chill out a bit but he definitely also needs to step up and be somewhat appreciative. Good luck xxxx

Plumbear2 · 21/09/2022 10:57

You are being unreasonable. Now try looking after your baby whist also getting older kids ready for school one of which has a disability, then get them to school by 8.40. yes that's what I did every day singlehanded.

Ottersmith · 21/09/2022 10:57

Sounds like a problem with communication. He doesn't realise that you need his help at that time. I think let him look after her in the morning from now on and she how his shit and shower go then.

Aussiegirl123456 · 21/09/2022 10:57

That’s no shade on you though (my prev message), ‘‘twas just dreaming.

I know several men who opt out of parenting by just nipping to the loo’ or ‘cutting the grass’ or tidying the shed or doing something to the car. And the pants thing is gross. Put them on his pillow.

Wishimaywishimight · 21/09/2022 10:58

This reminds me of Sheldon and his 'bathroom schedule' in Big Bang Theory.

Also a bit puzzled by his "stinky dirty pants" - does he poo in them or what?

Coughee · 21/09/2022 10:59

I feel like in 5 years time someone will start one of those, 'what's the most pfb thing you've done?' threads and the op will be on there laughing about how she expected her dh to give her advance notice of his bowel movements so her daughters morning routine wasn't disrupted 😁

namechange30455 · 21/09/2022 10:59

Seriously, stop martyring yourself and go and get yourself a bowl of cereal. It is absolutely possible to eat breakfast, and indeed have a shower, with a 9mo around. She doesn't need holding all the time. It doesn't need to be this hard.

Why is it so important for her development that you all sit and have breakfast together? Ok, maybe important that she is at the table eating with adults at least sometimes, but does it need to be both of you? Why can't DH give her breakfast while you do your morning routine, or you give her breakfast while he does his? I honestly can't believe you're getting up an hour early because you have some sort of idyllic idea of a family breakfast.

theremustonlybeone · 21/09/2022 10:59

Why are all the single parents coming on here to berate the OP? She isn't single and has a very capable DH on hand to do the parenting with her.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/09/2022 11:00

rogueone · 21/09/2022 10:55

To be honest I was going to come along and say YABU however it sounds like you do all the childcare stuff and work too. Your DH lies in as you get up early to get organised before your baby gets up. Then he heads off for the standard man toilet trip. Which tends to involve them sitting their avoiding family life while they read the news paper. Then pull the aghast face that you dare challenge them as they were 'just in the toilet'.

The fact he left his dirty pants on your work chair is truly disgusting and to me is a statement in itself.

Why are you making stuff up?

He does not 'lie in' he gets up at normal time, op gets up an hour earlier than her baby so she can blow dry her hair.

His standard man toilet trip was a shit a shower, possibly a shave and dressed for work in 20 minutes.

As for the pants, like I said upthread that was probably an error due to rushing around trying to get everything done quickly before his ear bending from the op.

I wish people would read.

Somethingneedstochange · 21/09/2022 11:00

What's so hard about sitting down for breakfast with a baby? At 9 months maybe encourage her to feed herself some of her breakfast. I used to feed the baby and have my breakfast at the same time. When I had my daughter I also had an autistic toddler to see to. It's called multitasking.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2022 11:00

@doggiemum247

op out of interest

What do you YOU do if YOU need a poo in the morning ?

Sweetleftfood · 21/09/2022 11:03

IDontDrinkTea · 21/09/2022 10:13

I don’t understand why you can apparently study while looking after a baby, yet you can’t bite a piece of toast while looking after the same baby

Well it may not be toast you know ... may be homemade granola with freshly made yoghurt and stuff! not everyone does toast it may not be great for development

deeperthanallroses · 21/09/2022 11:03

People are being very harsh, I think op has got the message! The one thing I would do op, is on the weekend see how it works if you don’t get up early, but hand him dd say can
you give her her breakfast please and go off to shower. That’s what I do weekends with mine!

i don’t do brekky till I’m done with getting baby up and fed (breastfed), the two older ones brekky and out to school for the oldest, then childcare for the second one if it’s a childcare day then home and usually grab coffee and feed baby again before breakfast. If I’m back at work I plan to take porridge sachets and eat at work, it’s too hard in the morning. Dh leaves at 6 so isn’t around at all in the mornings on weekdays, never has been except when ds2 was very young and barely sleeping at all and ds1 was waking at 6 and I said he had to start later and look after ds1 until 7 as ds2 was usually asleep from 4 or 5am till 7 so I could sleep then.

avirys · 21/09/2022 11:05

I find it fascinating that you could get up an hour before the baby gets up, since she was born. I still can't time when my baby will get up now and he's 5 months. I also couldn't time it with my older one who's no longer a baby. It all depends when they fed etc and when they're newborns especially, it's really hard to know when they'll be up for the day. Maybe I'm going wrong somewhere.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/09/2022 11:05

Why can't you eat a slice of toast while holding her/BFing? I don't understand why you can't eat

diddl · 21/09/2022 11:06

doggiemum247 · 21/09/2022 10:22

Nothing like mumsnet for a good old humbling! Thanks all, taking it all in.

Good for you.

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees with a young one!

I would usually shower in the morning whilst husband entertained PFB before he left for work.

One morning we slept in & he had left.

I was having a lovely sing song in the shower-window open.

Got out, baby crying in cot, health visitor knocking on door!

Bathroom above door!

Brasschamberstick · 21/09/2022 11:07

Lol. Have you thought about chilling out. Your baby will be fine while you eat breakfast.

I wouldn't think of having anymore kids if you are this stressed

ToastedWaffle · 21/09/2022 11:08

You are totally being unreasonable. I actually thought this was a wind up.

Hope its due to lack of sleep and doesn't become a way of life for you, it sounds bloody tiring. You have to be flexible with kids.

SeriousChild · 21/09/2022 11:11

Put the baby down and let her fuss while you eat.

I just can't imagine a world where you need to get up an hour early to get ready for a day of childcare and studying at home.

You're making life so much harder than it should be.

bumpytrumpy · 21/09/2022 11:13

ToastedWaffle · 21/09/2022 11:08

You are totally being unreasonable. I actually thought this was a wind up.

Hope its due to lack of sleep and doesn't become a way of life for you, it sounds bloody tiring. You have to be flexible with kids.

This. You sound like my in-laws (who by all accounts are trying to raise a robot rather than a child)