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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

370 replies

doggiemum247 · 21/09/2022 09:34

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

OP posts:
LondonJax · 21/09/2022 10:40

OK...a number of things here.

  1. You say DH usually showers in the evening so the morning shower threw you. Fair enough. But why can't you shower in the evening is the mornings are becoming a rush? Similarly with the blow dry. I'm lucky that my hair stays fine overnight, so I understand if yours is the type that needs the freshen up blow dry. But if it doesn't, wash it the night before! Don't make life harder than it needs to be.

  2. Breakfast...DH used to leave the house early so he could 'flexi time' and be home when DS needed bath and bed. I could then get dinner ready and have a quick break! But that meant he'd be out sometimes before we got up. So I used to get everything together the night before - seriously, everything! Cutlery, plates, cups on the table, cereal out on the countertop, bread cut and wrapped on the side (I love uncut bread toasted, can't do cereal). Then it was DS in the high chair with a couple of toys, bread in the toaster, drinks made, cereal done. Eat.

And if DD has to wait then so be it. It doesn't do a child any harm to learn that, sometimes, they just have to be patient. Stick a mat on the floor, toys and child on mat and do breakfast whilst having a chat. Then into the highchair and you're away.

VainAbigail · 21/09/2022 10:41

speakout · 21/09/2022 10:39

If someone is taking 20 minutes to poop they need to look at their diet.
Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that some men see defacating as a recreational activity.
It's not the poop that annoys it is time spent.
Women unless constipated will usually only take a couple of minutes and want the clean up and flush to be over quickly.
Men will often sit, drawers around the knees, catching up with the sport/headlines.
And they will leave clean up until the last, giving ample time for their smelly bum and any defacation products not submerged to fully perfume the air.
I worked in an all male environment at a university - one of the post docs would fetch a full cooked breakfast on a tray from the canteen, newspaper tucked under his arm and announce he was off for his morning dump.
He would eat his breakfast while on the toilet while having a poop, the whole process took around an hour.
Taking recreational defacation to the next level.

He was also showering and dressing in those 20 minutes!

HairyMothballs · 21/09/2022 10:41

Jesus Christ, what a nightmare you sound 😂

hulahooper2 · 21/09/2022 10:41

Yabvu and need to chill a bit

sausagepastapot · 21/09/2022 10:41

This reply has been deleted

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Greycatclub · 21/09/2022 10:42

Sorry, YABU.

girlmom21 · 21/09/2022 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And you're rude and nasty. Plenty of posters have managed to say the OP is unreasonable without being downright horrible.

suzyscat · 21/09/2022 10:42

I did not say they need round the clock holding and entertaining

You can't spoil a baby by acknowledging their communication and responding to their needs.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 21/09/2022 10:45

You want him to let you know the night before if he needs a shit or not?

get a grip and yes you do need to ease up!! What would you do if you didn’t have a partner?!

your baby can play with her own toys or whatever she wants to do for you to make breakfast or whatever it is that you need to do.

I don’t understand why you aren’t eating breakfast with her or if you don’t get a chance why you don’t have 5/10 minutes out of the entire day to eat breakfast?

bizarre !

Wibbli · 21/09/2022 10:45

You are being very unreasonable, I’m afraid. I have 3 DC and work at a busy hospital and DH works an hour away so we compromise and I sort mornings and he does evenings. 20 minutes is nothing.

ancientgran · 21/09/2022 10:45

You should still be able to do things if she is whiny in her high chair. Babies aren't happy and smiling 24/7 and there is nothing wrong with that.

I'm not sure what 3 of you eating breakfast as a threesome does for her development, rarely happened with mine and they all seem fine as adults and never had any issues raised about their development.

Popc0rn · 21/09/2022 10:46

You don't have time for breakfast, but have time to write an eight paragraph rant about how annoyed you are that your husband needed a poo? Okay.

LondonJax · 21/09/2022 10:46

SudocremOnEverything · 21/09/2022 10:30

personally, I’m of the opinion that everyone should poo when they need to. But having a leisurely shit rather than helping go get the baby ready is taking the piss.

It isn’t coincidental that the adult in a family who takes leisurely toilet breaks in peace is generally a man.

The OP said he took 20 minutes to go to the loo AND shower (as many have pointed out already. Apparently it takes the OP an hour to do the same each morning so I'd say he actually did very well.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2022 10:47

suzyscat · 21/09/2022 10:42

I did not say they need round the clock holding and entertaining

You can't spoil a baby by acknowledging their communication and responding to their needs.

@suzyscat

well there you go you’re agreeing with the majority then aren’t you

op can put baby in high chair and leave her there even if she cries whilst she has her own breakfast. Baby is fine just wants holding. But op needs to eat. So high chair for baby.

job done

Topgub · 21/09/2022 10:48

@suzyscat

I dont know why you keep repeating that.

The babies needs are met. So its irrelevant

You absolutely can spoil a baby/child by giving in to every whimper

There is no need for the baby to be held/played with while the op eats her breakfast which is what she is implying.

butterfliedtwo · 21/09/2022 10:48

Popc0rn · 21/09/2022 10:46

You don't have time for breakfast, but have time to write an eight paragraph rant about how annoyed you are that your husband needed a poo? Okay.

This is on the money.

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/09/2022 10:48

I think if you can relax a bit more, the tenseness will leave the atmosphere and you will all have a happier time. There is no need for the rigidity about this. Stuff happens, that's just life, so at some point there will be moments when you can't follow your routine and you know, that's okay. It will be fine honestly.

Today DH needs to poo in the morning. Another time, the baby might have a poonami episode that needs sorting there and then. You will cope with this because you are not locked in to a particular stream of events and have the adaptability and flexibility to cope with the unexpected.

Just relax. Shit happens.

Cyw2018 · 21/09/2022 10:49

YABU, controlling and hardwork. If you are like this with your DH in other aspect of life, then you are possibly verging towards emotional abuse.

Rockingcloggs · 21/09/2022 10:50

He's an adult. He can shit, shower & shave whenever he wants. Without drama. I'm sure you can cope once without him helping you out at breakfast time like the many many mothers whose husbands go to work before such time have to do. YABVU.

LIZS · 21/09/2022 10:50

You study while looking after your baby, but can't manage breakfast? Dod he need to get to work?

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/09/2022 10:51

speakout · 21/09/2022 10:39

If someone is taking 20 minutes to poop they need to look at their diet.
Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that some men see defacating as a recreational activity.
It's not the poop that annoys it is time spent.
Women unless constipated will usually only take a couple of minutes and want the clean up and flush to be over quickly.
Men will often sit, drawers around the knees, catching up with the sport/headlines.
And they will leave clean up until the last, giving ample time for their smelly bum and any defacation products not submerged to fully perfume the air.
I worked in an all male environment at a university - one of the post docs would fetch a full cooked breakfast on a tray from the canteen, newspaper tucked under his arm and announce he was off for his morning dump.
He would eat his breakfast while on the toilet while having a poop, the whole process took around an hour.
Taking recreational defacation to the next level.

The 20 minutes was to use the bathroom, shower and get dressed. The OP said that if he is just using the toilet it doesn't take that long. Can people just not read?

LondonJax · 21/09/2022 10:52

@suzyscat you're right, you can't spoil a child by acknowledging them and responding to their needs. BUT, that response doesn't have to be a 'jump to it and do it all now'. It can be a simple 'yes, love I heard you. You're hungry. It's on its way' type of response.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 21/09/2022 10:52

‘….factor it into my routine…’?
Honestly OP it sounds like you’re regimenting your lives to the nth degree, it’s completely unsustainable when you have a child, let alone more than one.
You really cannot expect others to fall into line every minute of the morning, let alone all day every day.

Sweetleftfood · 21/09/2022 10:52

You know all those threads "what was your worst PFB moment" ? Smile I am sure TS will look back at this and cringe ....

LondonJax · 21/09/2022 10:53

"Shit happens" - it certainly does @TheNoodlesIncident but apparently at the wrong time in this case...