To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

[doggiemum247]

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

TV () is your friend in situations like this! Unless it’s on 24/7 with your dc plonked in front of it all day, l promise it won’t adversely affect them! And it will be a whole lot better for their development to live in a happy, chaotic atmosphere than with a rigid routine where you all sit round having breakfast in stony silence, because you and dh aren’t talking to each other…..again.

How do you organise the rest of your time OP? if you're with baby all day it's reasonable to assume that it was possible to get something to eat, during the day. How do you find time to study?

YABU thinking DH should somehow factor your plans into his bowel habits
However he is BU for leaving dirty pants on a chair.

I get it OP. I'm really routine-driven and that was even moreso when I had a small baby/now I have a toddler. It just works for us knowing what's going on at each point in the day, especially when they're so small and everything kinda fits around things like naps/sleep/feeds.

I think this is just a lack of communication really. As you say, pooing alone wouldn't take 20m unless he has some kind of known health issue. But deciding to go shower during the morning routine when you'd expected him to be downstairs with you both threw you, especially as you'd kinda banked on that part of the day involving both of you (which feels like a big thing when you know that for the bulk of the day you're on your own with the baby!). You were willing to get up earlier to enable him to get ready for the day, you just didn't like it being so unexpected and without discussion.

I can't quite understand how you can't eat while your baby is having breakfast admittedly, is that something you think can be worked on? Make both breakfasts at the same time then sit at the same time together? Make them the night before so it's just a case of sitting down? At that age I would often be feeding him with one hand and myself with the other! Or make some toast and shovel it in while cleaning up or something. I'm sure it's doable.

I just think you need to get on the same page about who's doing what in the mornings, you expected to be together and he expected it would be okay to go off without letting you know/discussion. For some people it's beyond the pale to think that would even be a problem and feels controlling. But when you have a tiny baby and a routine it can feel like a massive thing!

Your overreaction to this is probably because you are at snapping point. If you are trying to study full time and mind a baby it’s not feasible. Can you get some childcare or study in evening etc.

Yeah you are being completely OTT and need to relax.

God, that's fucking cruel. I hope you don't say things like this to people's faces.

@suzyscat

Yes you can

A baby/child doesn't need to be held or interacted with every minute of the day.

Shower should have been planned ahead, but you can't plan poo. Why do you need two people to feed baby? What if one of you is sick or travels?

Oh my goodness. This is so extreme. How is he supposed to know he needs the toilet in the morning the night before ? How do you get by in life being this rigid ? You need to relax big time. How do you cope with your morning ritual when he's not there ?

It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything 'perfectly', leading you to think that you can't do two things at once because it won't allow you to do each as 'perfectly' as it can theoretically be done. This pursuit of 'ideal' is not ideal.

You need to manage eating while caring for your DD. What do you think other people do? What would you do if you had another child? Presumably, by your logic, you'd need a third adult to enable you to eat a piece of toast.

YABU you could have had breakfast in the time it took you to write this post.

Does your baby really need holding whilst you eat a piece of toast? How on earth do you manage to poo if the baby is so demanding?

There's no need for that.

Oh my goodness, I can be uptight and rigid but even I'm surprised. What on earth do you need to do for an hour in the morning to spend the day in the house?? She's 9 months old, put her in a high chair with some food and let her crack on, it doesn't take 2 people to feed a baby.

personally, I’m of the opinion that everyone should poo when they need to. But having a leisurely shit rather than helping go get the baby ready is taking the piss.

It isn’t coincidental that the adult in a family who takes leisurely toilet breaks in peace is generally a man.

It’s not much of a discussion if the OP doesn’t join back in the conversation and just posts a solitary useless reply to a long thread.

I don’t really understand this. But I do know I can be rigid with silly things sometimes which frustrates my DH so maybe these replies will help you to see you might need to be more flexible here? Why not just put her breakfast in front of her then you eat yours at the same time?

@doggiemum247

heres an idea

put baby down
eat your breakfast

she may cry. But so what? And? She’s safe and warm and clean and fed, she’s fine

What do you do when your husband is out??

just not bother eating cos it means putting her down? How do you go to the toilet?!

Ah the angst of the PFB mummy. I guess we’ve all been there at some point trying to follow the rules and be perfect parents and worried that if we don’t all eat a delicious home cooked meal together, we’re setting our children up for a lifetime of misery.

Wait till it’s your third or fourth child and you’re happily relying on your phone and the TV to babysit whilst you’re grabbing a pack of crisps, hoovering the sofa and taking a shower. 😂

I can't decide if it's better or worse if you're the poo troll 🤔
If you're the poo troll - gross but expected.
If you're not the poo troll - then YABVVVU.

All of this

So rather than bf the baby and eat breakfast you decided to post on mn complaining you can't eat breakfast.

A few minutes whining in a high chair while you eat won't hurt her. And at 9 months your dd should be able to have some toast or something and feed herself while you eat. It's really not a big deal.

Trying to study (or work? You say work too) with a baby isn't sustainable, especially if you are so rigid that a small change to this routine is causing so much stress.

This sounds like something I could have written when I was a FTM and obsessed with control and routine, so I feel for you @doggiemum247 - totally get where you’re coming from!

However - as other PP have said 20 minutes is not a long time and you can do breakfast alone. It may feel scary but honestly you can! Babies whine and complain and that is okay, and I’d argue sometimes even necessary because otherwise you’d never get anything done.

You’re getting a lot of honest and good replies here (and of course the obligatory pile on which is sadly typical MN nowadays) but just wanted to say it’s hard adjusting when you like to keep to routine but take a breath, readjust your expectations and understand that 20 minutes is not the end of the world!

If someone is taking 20 minutes to poop they need to look at their diet.
Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that some men see defacating as a recreational activity.
It's not the poop that annoys it is time spent.
Women unless constipated will usually only take a couple of minutes and want the clean up and flush to be over quickly.
Men will often sit, drawers around the knees, catching up with the sport/headlines.
And they will leave clean up until the last, giving ample time for their smelly bum and any defacation products not submerged to fully perfume the air.
I worked in an all male environment at a university - one of the post docs would fetch a full cooked breakfast on a tray from the canteen, newspaper tucked under his arm and announce he was off for his morning dump.
He would eat his breakfast while on the toilet while having a poop, the whole process took around an hour.
Taking recreational defacation to the next level.

Yabu, sorry! Stick the radio on, baby in high chair with finger food, make toast, make coffee, eat it! Mornings can be a bit chaotic and eating breakfast together before work is unusual for most people as everybody takes a different amount of time to get ready...just relax a little. Nothing needs to be this rigid.