My Mum wants to take my 4yo DD away for a girls night, but not me?

[ladyluck1234]

Mum and I have not got on well for the past couple of years. We're on speaking terms but the thought of spending quality time with her for the weekend, like we used to (going to spas etc), makes me feel a bit sick. For a variety of reasons it's not going to happen any time soon. Too much has happened over the past couple of years and it's all a bit too awkward/strained. That's another story, but please take that at face value- this is not a post for "why don't you try and reconcile" etc etc.

She helps with our kids a couple of days a week but is feeling the effects of my DD having recently started school, so she's no longer there on the day she has my DS. MY DD is the only girl grandchild amongst boys.

Mum often asks can she take DD to get her nails done, out shopping for the day etc. I agreed last week that she could take DD out for the day during half term week, but she's now asked if she can take DD the night before too, to go to a hotel for a treat stay where there's a pool and a salon so they can have a swim, get her nails painted etc. My instant reaction was "yes of course I'm sure she would love that" without thinking, but I now feel a bit flat and slightly put out. It's the sort of thing WE would always, always done together in the past. DM clearly doesn't want me to go- no offer!- and likewise I shudder at the thought. But the fact she is basically saying hey ho I'll carry on doing nice girly activities but with your daughter and not with you makes me cross, sad, a bit put out and like I should actually put a stop to it.

AIBU? Am I too sensitive?!

I’d say no.

I think what matters most is whether your 4yo wants a night away with grandma. Mine would have hated that.

It’s quite young but if your DD would enjoy it I would let her go. In these situations do what’s best for your child, park your own feelings

Mind you I’d also say no to helping out with the kids too. If you have such a poor relationship with her I can’t see why you would put yourself in this position.

Mine would personally love a night away with her granny, DHs side that is. However I haven't spoken to my mother for over 15 years and can speak from a point of having a very poor relationship with my own mother.

Mine has made is clear she's not interested in me, but is in DD to.which I've made it very clear that if you don't make an effort with me, then a relationship with my DD is a big Fuck No.

I can totally understand where you're coming from. It's not OK and I'd be pointing out that she needs to work on both relationships, not attempting to bypass you to get to your Dd.

Would a spa in a hotel even let a 4 yo in? Most I’ve been in are adults only for treatments and some allow children access to the pool but no hot tub/steam room/sauna.

Would you daughter like it? That would answer it for me.

im the same OP. Very LC with my mother but she sees my DC’s. I keep reminding myself that soon my DC’s won’t bother as they will have social life’s of their own and she’ll have nobody because I won’t be forcing them to spend time with her so they can while they want to.

I think you are BU given that you say the thought of doing girly things with your mother makes you feel sick.

I don't think it’s fair that your poor relationship with her means your daughter should be deprived of quality time with her grandmother

I completely get why you feel that way and it is shit that you aren’t as close but if your DD will enjoy it then it’s a suck it up moment

I see no issue if you know your DD will enjoy it. As you say you don’t want to do it, and neither does she yet, I wouldn’t deny your daughter the time to enjoy with her grandma

Yabu to offer up your dd to such a woman..

So in answer. Yes DD would like it.
Yes the spa would do her a mini manicure type thing, basically just paint her nails.

I am inclined to backtrack and say no. Im on maternity leave (even more reason for her to have at least offered me to go too!) and if I want to take DD somewhere for the night (with baby) then I feel that if she's already been with mum then it kind of takes the shine off it!

Your DD is a person, not a doll. Anyway why is your mum still doing childcare for you if your relationship has broken down?

For the sake of your daughter, suck it up. Her nan won't be around forever.

Life's to short for feuds you obviously miss doing things with her, tell her op. Maybe you can both move on from the past. I was the same with my mum and now we have a great relationship again.

I feel a bit sick about spending time with my mother too - exactly that feeling. It's a sad situation to be in - whatever the reason, I sympathise. But I actually encourage her to see my son, as they have a nice relationship - they do go away for the night together etc. He's 11 though. If your daughter wants to do it, you should let her, and find something nice to do for yourself.

You seem to hate your mother but are upset that she didn't invite you?

Grow up and don't ruin a nice time for your daughter.

It would be sad for her to cut her grandaughter out of her life because you two don't get along anymore. It doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong- being civil with you but understanding you don't want a relationship with her and still being a good grandmother.
This sounds like a good situation for you, your daughter gets to do the nice things that she will enjoy with her grandmother and you don't have to be part of it.
Would you rather she did invite you- even though you would hate going, or that she stopped trying to be there for your daughter?

Missing the point but your daughter is 4! Would she enjoy her nails being painted?

sounds more like your dd is going to have a blast but as your not part of it you want to stop it.

Even though your relationship has broken down your DM still does childcare?

think your being a bit jealous as its something you and DM did before.

Very unlikely they will be painting a 4 year olds nails.
I had to lie in a hotel once when DD was almost 16 and they wouldn’t do a mani pedi until she was

I read your post wondering if it had been written by me. I am in a really similar situation. My little girl loves my mum, completely adores her. However, I have been slowly realising over the last year or two that I’ve had a lifetime of quite emotionally manipulative, maybe even abusive behaviour from my mother and I am not comfortable exposing my children to that.

So I don’t think it’s as easy as saying ‘what would your kid want’, because I think as a parent you might better know what’s the right thing to do.

I’d personally not feel happy with my mum and daughter doing this, especially now I’m understanding that my mother is quite narcissistic, but a year ago I probably would have. I’d have a good think about the reasons that you are distancing yourself from your mother and see whether you would want to potentially expose your daughter to that too.

Sorry, I’ve probably projected far too much of my own situation on to you!

I do not have a good relationship with my mother but my child has. She has her own, independent relationship with my Mum and she loves her. My Mother loves her right back.
I would never stand in the way of that because me and my Mum don’t get on. That’s just selfish and quite childish.

I think you should let her go, because she would enjoy it and your reasons for not letting her are 100% me me me. Don’t drag your DD into your dispute with your mum.

I wouldn't let her anywhere near my child.

Why!?! You have absolutely no information beyond the fact the op does not want a relationship with her DM.
The DM looks after her grandchildren twice a week and has simply asked if she could have her overnight. There is NOTHING in the OP to warrant such a reaction, the op has not stated why she doesn't want a relationship.