My Mum wants to take my 4yo DD away for a girls night, but not me?

[ladyluck1234]

Mum and I have not got on well for the past couple of years. We're on speaking terms but the thought of spending quality time with her for the weekend, like we used to (going to spas etc), makes me feel a bit sick. For a variety of reasons it's not going to happen any time soon. Too much has happened over the past couple of years and it's all a bit too awkward/strained. That's another story, but please take that at face value- this is not a post for "why don't you try and reconcile" etc etc.

She helps with our kids a couple of days a week but is feeling the effects of my DD having recently started school, so she's no longer there on the day she has my DS. MY DD is the only girl grandchild amongst boys.

Mum often asks can she take DD to get her nails done, out shopping for the day etc. I agreed last week that she could take DD out for the day during half term week, but she's now asked if she can take DD the night before too, to go to a hotel for a treat stay where there's a pool and a salon so they can have a swim, get her nails painted etc. My instant reaction was "yes of course I'm sure she would love that" without thinking, but I now feel a bit flat and slightly put out. It's the sort of thing WE would always, always done together in the past. DM clearly doesn't want me to go- no offer!- and likewise I shudder at the thought. But the fact she is basically saying hey ho I'll carry on doing nice girly activities but with your daughter and not with you makes me cross, sad, a bit put out and like I should actually put a stop to it.

AIBU? Am I too sensitive?!

Am I too sensitive?!

No just incredibly ungrateful and rude. She’s given her own time (for free I expect) to help out with your children twice a week but the thought of you spending time with her makes you feel sick! And now to spite her for absolutely no reason you want to deny a treat for your 4 year old who she obviously has a lovely relationship with.

If this is the case why are you letting her do childcare?

YABU And an absolute cheeky fucker for accepting free childcare from her, but saying she can’t spend quality fun time with your daughter. The audacity. Wow.

this

you should not be using her for child care either!

Well my daughter is 11 and would never, ever have wanted that. She has beem mocking the idea of spa parties since she was about 6.

I've known lots of 4 yo's & not known one girls not to want them done & lots of the bits too!it takes no time at all to pair their tiny nails.

I don't particularly like it, or their obsession with it, but peak nails/make up seems to be 3-4 then it mostly stops. It's a fun thing (like face paint) or a 'like mummy' thing.

Only allowed very pale nail
polish (maybe red around Christmas) & lip gloss out the house, maybe a very light dusting of shimmery eye shadow for a party. Do it yourself clown impersonations only for at home.

like I say, usually all forgotten by 5. Thankfully!!

They get wierd because some people consider it tacky, superficial and unnessary in such young girls. And vanity inducing.

I'm sure your intention was to sound superior, epic fail, you have a child that mocks other children. Delightful.

Agree with this. Maybe you should teach your child not to look down on other people - we all like different things.

I have an extremely poor, lc relationship with mum. One of the very few wisest words my dp said to me was “let’s refer to her as grandma, not your mum” and this has let the kids have a relationship with her separately from mine.
in fact, as the children are growing up, they are starting to pull away from her as her personality manifests and that’s ok-to be brutally honest, they’ve reaped the benefit of her good ‘grandma’ years and have enough resilience and support to gently separate from her increasingly toxic inability to sustain adult relationships.

Tacky, superficial, vanity inducing 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

let’s refer to her as grandma, not your mum

I do this. It puts life into perspective. Dd had a lovely relationship with her grandma when she was little. She much prefers obedient littlies.

As your dd is used to her grandma and you seem to trust her, I’d let them go. You will have a little extra time to spend bonding with your baby.

Since when do four-year-olds get their nails painted in a salon?

It’s just kids playing dress up, maybe a little role play. My dd never wanted one of these parties but went to one or two and had fun. It perhaps momentarily makes them feel grown up and then it’s back home to play with dolls, cars or get muddy in the garden.

Yep IME 4-year-old girls AND boys are equally into getting their nails painted

not sure whether a 4-year-old is really going to care less about having them done at a ‘salon’ or a spa-type experience though. Surely she’d rather be at soft play or the park?

I took my daughter for a grown up hair wash, cut and blow dry when she was about 11 (thought it would be a special treat to go to mummy’s hairdressers) and she felt really awkward. Now she’s 13 she’d actually pee her pants with excitement about a salon or spa treatment.

Anyway, I do think you should let your daughter have a relationship with her grandma. Don’t feel jealous that she didn’t ask you if you wouldn’t have gone anyway. I can understand you wanting to protect your daughter from toxic behaviour, though.

Good enough to save you a small fortune on childcare two days a week for two children, not good enough to take one of them for a treat 🤷🏻‍♀️

Totally agree with this.

You find her unbearable but still use her to look after your children.

If she's that bad, why is she looking after your kids twice a week?

I don't know, there is something different about an overnight stay at a hotel compared to childminding during the day at home

I wouldn't be comfortable with that at so young an age. It would be half term off during maternity leave and OP will be missing DD too now she's at school

When you have a narcissist for a parent it can play out more emotionally manipulative when they come out of toddler age, and start to remember more of things said to them. I think OP may be Considering if she's sure she would want to create special 1 on 1 holidays together memories that encourage or that intense bond.

Well if she is good enough to do all this childcare without you worrying about her malignant affect then you'd think you'd be okay with the spa.

And if she's not good enough to take your kid to the spa then why the hell are you letting her do all this childcare for you, surely your children's exposure to her influence is much greater in this situation?

But, if you are happy for her to run around after your kids but not let her take your dd to the spa, then it does sound like petty, spiteful jealousy in play.

I think it's a but odd of your mother to want to take your 4yo to a spa for a girls night. Surely 4 your go to bed at about 7pm and would prefer to go to a soft play or Peppa Pig world or something? I think your Mum trying to recreate your lost relationship....but with a 4 yo which is sad and a bit bonkers. Tell her you think the expense will be wasted on 4yo and she would probably enjoy pizza and chips and a trip to the park more.

You probably need to have a really good think about what caused your relationship to break down and if it is soemething to do with your Mum's behaviour then whether you want to inflict the same situation on your own children? If not then maybe think about reducing the level of contact.

But, if you are happy for her to run around after your kids but not let her take your dd to the spa, then it does sound like petty, spiteful jealousy in play.

It's interesting how many PPs have put 2+2 together and come up with 22 like this.
There's other reasons that a jump to going away with grandma to a spa hotel 1on1 with a four year old DD is qualitatively different to going to grandmas for the day.

I think OP is trying to sound it out so she can try to catch where her discomfort of the thought of it might be coming from.

So for example someone might be happy for their MIL to have their DCs for a day but not overnight as she consistently drinks whisky all evening every evening. That wouldn't be spite, that would be protective for DCs. (And also not letting her drive DCs anywhere)
Sometimes emotional manipulative behaviour can come out more in different venues or different times when others aren't around , and OP might be recalling those and wondering if DM has changed or not if that's what occurred in past.

I don't think people should be so reductive to call OP spiteful. She's in Mat leave and will be a bit more hormonal right now feeling things strongly

I'm the one putting two and two together and making five, even though you have invented a drinking problem and ...night time narcissicism? into the mix to square this circle?

No just incredibly ungrateful and rude. She’s given her own time (for free I expect)

I was wondering about grandma's remuneration package for the twice weekly childcare...