My Mum wants to take my 4yo DD away for a girls night, but not me?

[ladyluck1234]

Mum and I have not got on well for the past couple of years. We're on speaking terms but the thought of spending quality time with her for the weekend, like we used to (going to spas etc), makes me feel a bit sick. For a variety of reasons it's not going to happen any time soon. Too much has happened over the past couple of years and it's all a bit too awkward/strained. That's another story, but please take that at face value- this is not a post for "why don't you try and reconcile" etc etc.

She helps with our kids a couple of days a week but is feeling the effects of my DD having recently started school, so she's no longer there on the day she has my DS. MY DD is the only girl grandchild amongst boys.

Mum often asks can she take DD to get her nails done, out shopping for the day etc. I agreed last week that she could take DD out for the day during half term week, but she's now asked if she can take DD the night before too, to go to a hotel for a treat stay where there's a pool and a salon so they can have a swim, get her nails painted etc. My instant reaction was "yes of course I'm sure she would love that" without thinking, but I now feel a bit flat and slightly put out. It's the sort of thing WE would always, always done together in the past. DM clearly doesn't want me to go- no offer!- and likewise I shudder at the thought. But the fact she is basically saying hey ho I'll carry on doing nice girly activities but with your daughter and not with you makes me cross, sad, a bit put out and like I should actually put a stop to it.

AIBU? Am I too sensitive?!

You should be grateful that your mother is looking after your children for you considering you dislike her so much!

Don't back track. Let her go. Your daughter will enjoy it like you said, why would you deny her that other than for the selfish reasons you've outlined? You said it would be less special if you end up bringing her to a hotel with the baby.... Well that's a completely different holiday for her, a family holiday v one on one time with her granny. Not the same at all! "I don't want to go but am thick I didn't get invited so now don't want my daughter to go even though she'll enjoy herself".... Are you 12!? 🙄

So you want to say no because you may, at some point in the future, want to take your daughter to do the same thing (but with baby in tow)? That's really unfair on your daughter and quite spiteful of you.

As to why you being on mat leave means your mum should have invited you, how does your thinking on that go because I see it as 1. You two don't get along so why would she invite you and 2. You have a young baby to look after who would definitely not be welcome in a spa.

I'm taking OP's story with a pinch of salt; firstly there's always 2 sides, secondly if she was that bad she wouldn't be using her for childcare twice a week and thirdly she's reluctant to explain why she doesn’t like her mum.
If she has a good relationship with the grandchild and the granchild would enjoy the day, stop being selfish.

then I feel that if she's already been with mum then it kind of takes the shine off it!

You know that's bonkers right ?

No one can say op.
On the face of it you sound pissed off your mother has invited your daughter and not you, in which case of course you are being very unreasonable.
However if your mother has done something awful to you, and you are worried she'll slate you to your daughter, then of course no you are not unreasonable.
But without knowing what caused the disquiet between you it's impossible to say. I'm not expecting you to divulge the event(s) which caused the breakdown but only your know if you are deliberately making your daughter miss out on fun times with granny due to petty jealousy, or if your are being sensible and ensuring your mother isn't going to cause psychological damage to your daughter by being dismissive of you.
But you do make it clear you wouldn't want to go, so maybe your mum is really aware of a brooding undercurrent and doesn't want to put you in an awkward situation, or turn the undercurrent into tidal wave. As I say it's impossible to know if you are being unreasonable or not.

Yabu
Your mum still does childcare and she doesnt see as much of dd since she is at school, you have a small baby and your not getting on with your mum. Would be totally disingenuous for her to have invited you.
I think would be awful to backtrack
My own grandmother was unkind to my mother (unknown to me) but amazing granny. I stayed with her every weekend. I'm so grateful to my mum for letting me. I was sad when I Was a teen and realised my gran was unkind to my mum but mum just said it was a generation thing and different personalities

If your DD would enjoy it and your DM isn’t going to harm her why would you say no? I’m assuming you are happy with her looking after your children as she is still having them while you’re on mat leave. You sound a bit like my DS lots of complaints about our parents and refusals to allow them to babysit, until it suited better than taking leave, not going to an event, wanting to have a nap……

What is your objection? You say you wouldn't want to go and the thought makes you sick. However, she is looking after your children so you can't be too worried on how she will treat your daughter.

It kind of sounds like you are jealous. You would like things to be the way they were but it's not possible due to whatever happened. However, you've been replaced by your daughter and that hurts.

You don't want to go with your mum. Presumably your mum has a good relationship with your dd and your dd will enjoy it. It sounds a bit mean spirited to say no in this case. It makes it seem like you are getting back at your mum at your daughters expense really. Maybe you need to work on clearing the air with your mum if you miss the relationship you used to have with her.

You want to deny your DD and your DM, who by the sounds of it has and is helping you out tremendously with childcare, something they would both like because it’s something you would once have done with your DM yourself but now don’t want to.

This is a supremely selfish response.

If your DM is not a nice person and you worry about what your DD will hear from her or you think she can’t keep your DD safe, or the like you wouldn’t be being unreasonable to say no, but you would be VERY unreasonable to have her doing childcare.

But you dont want it to happen because you don’t want them to have fun together without you. You’re basically being a “Mean Girl” to your own young child.

Oh really be honest with yourself. How likely is it that you will take your dd and your new baby on an overnight spa break??

@Harper67
This is one million percent us right now. Sounds almost identical. My mother is exactly as you've described yours and slowly I am coming to realise more and more as the months/years progress. It's a different world to the relationship we had 3+ years ago.

I should also say that my mother disliked my gran intensely but she never stopped me spending time with her. I have many happy memories of holidays, sleepovers, dances and baking. Why wouldn't you want your dd to have fun with her gran?

Have you ever met a 4yo???

No I’d just say no

I think that if you think your mum is not a good person to have around your dd you would not have been using her for childcare.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination I don't know any! Mine are smaller. I wouldn't have been into that as a little girl - genuinely surprised this is popular! I would've thought sitting still so long would be boring.

I don’t really understand why you would change your mind and say no. Really you are suggesting because of your strained relationship your DM is good enough to do childcare but not to spend enjoyable quality time with your daughter.
You don’t want to go, you don’t want to spend time with your DM so don’t look for issues and also be annoyed that she hasn’t invited you!
Your DM will enjoy it, your DD will and you will get a break.
If you want to build back a closer relationship with your mum it will be easier with her having such a good relationship with DD.

@roarfeckingroarr bit off topic but ages 3-5 I would say are peak wanting nails painted for both boys and girls. Then girls want to paint their own nails for a few years then boys or girls who want nails done get manicures….

What I would give to have my mother around to help with childcare and offer to take my child away for the night. She died many years ago. You sound so ungrateful and selfish.

This. There’d be absolute murder if my daughters did their nails without doing their 2yo brothers toes (his dad draws the line at fingers), he loves it! Next doors toddler isn’t even 2 and she loves her mum doing her nails. As for people saying that the spa place won’t do it, there’s ones by me that do actual birthday packages for age 3 plus. They get their hair done, glittery make up and their nails done and have a tea party. Mn gets really weird about these sort of parties for kids though 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't you think that's cheeky considering her mum watches/helps with OPS kids twice weekly?

I think that part is a bit odd tbh. If it wasn't for her mum helping I would of said no also.

I have a difficult relationship with my family for a million complicated reasons, almost entirely historic.

But that's my relationship with them, not DS's.

We visit a few times a year now. DH and I exit stage left, DS has a lovely overnight stay with Grandma and cousins, everyone is happy.

I'd let them go and do something nice with DH whilst DD is away.

YABU, you wouldn't want to go, she hasn't invited you but if you're happy for her to help out with your kids in the week why would you not allow her to take your daughter somewhere she would enjoy?