My Mum wants to take my 4yo DD away for a girls night, but not me?

[ladyluck1234]

Mum and I have not got on well for the past couple of years. We're on speaking terms but the thought of spending quality time with her for the weekend, like we used to (going to spas etc), makes me feel a bit sick. For a variety of reasons it's not going to happen any time soon. Too much has happened over the past couple of years and it's all a bit too awkward/strained. That's another story, but please take that at face value- this is not a post for "why don't you try and reconcile" etc etc.

She helps with our kids a couple of days a week but is feeling the effects of my DD having recently started school, so she's no longer there on the day she has my DS. MY DD is the only girl grandchild amongst boys.

Mum often asks can she take DD to get her nails done, out shopping for the day etc. I agreed last week that she could take DD out for the day during half term week, but she's now asked if she can take DD the night before too, to go to a hotel for a treat stay where there's a pool and a salon so they can have a swim, get her nails painted etc. My instant reaction was "yes of course I'm sure she would love that" without thinking, but I now feel a bit flat and slightly put out. It's the sort of thing WE would always, always done together in the past. DM clearly doesn't want me to go- no offer!- and likewise I shudder at the thought. But the fact she is basically saying hey ho I'll carry on doing nice girly activities but with your daughter and not with you makes me cross, sad, a bit put out and like I should actually put a stop to it.

AIBU? Am I too sensitive?!

I think it's a but odd of your mother to want to take your 4yo to a spa for a girls night. Surely 4 your go to bed at about 7pm and would prefer to go to a soft play or Peppa Pig world or something? I think your Mum trying to recreate your lost relationship....but with a 4 yo which is sad and a bit bonkers.

This is what I was thinking too. There's something strange about wanting to take a child who probably has a bedtime of 7pm away for the night in a hotel where grandma would be stuck in same room watching her sleep. Which is different to a sleep over in a house where you can safely go downstairs.

Would grandma try to keep DS up late and change her routine (for grandmas benefit?) Or leave her in the hotel room whilst grandma goes down to the bar? Or grandma sleeps in same bed as DD having sat watching DD sleeping all evening ? It's very different to an occasional sleepover or a day of child minding at grandmas house for a preschooler .

Im not sure why other PPs are saying they would all think this was a great idea. The night in hotel wouldn't benefit DD - It sounds intense and more for grandma's needs.

Say know, DD is 4 years old, she doesn’t need a spa day, and definitely not without her mum.

No not know

If the thought of spending time with your mum actually makes you feel sick.. why would you let your child spend time with her?
Surely you should be protecting your own child from whatever it is that causes such a strong negative reaction in you.
Why a spa day?
Seems a bit inapproriate for a four year old! Would have thought soft play, cinema, beach day would suit better. Has this been chosen specifically by Granny because its something YOU both used to do? (Underhand undermining tactics?) Is this the type of person she is and why you are NC so to speak?
If she actually IS taking DD out of the goodness of her heart and you are happy for the two of them to usually spend time together then whats the problem?
I cant work out why you are NC because of her behaviour but are happy for daughter to have to put up with it.

I quite clearly didn't invent a drinking problem - it was an eg of alternative reasons that one might hesitate over nighttime sleepover compared to day time play at grandmas house. Fgs read what is written!!

And OP agreed with a PP sharing she has a narcissist mum that had dawned on her. If you RTFT before biting at PPs who say there might be more to this than deserves simplistic judginess. Anyway why not read the newer posts which talk about practicalities of staying in hotel with 4 year old one on one? . And think about IF that's really for DDs benefit!! And earlier posts why hotel spa days might be appropriate at age 4 when children are unlikely to be able to access many of spa facilities. There aren't lifeguards at hotel oools, like public ones. Saunas and jacuzzis are out of bounds due to age. Massage and beauty therapists IF they agree to treat a 4 year old would insist on parental consent and guardian in the room, so where does DD go when grandma gets her spa treatments? 4 year old girls may love nail painting and even face packs (not sure is put face pack on a 4 year old!!?) but that can be done anywhere !!

"Why hotel spa days and nights in hotels might be inappropriate.." I meant

if I want to take DD somewhere for the night (with baby) then I feel that if she's already been with mum then it kind of takes the shine off it! you are wanting to say no for the wrong reasons. You are obviously happy for her to be childcare for a couple of days a week, which is very generous of her. If I was uncomfortable about overnights away it would be because of my daughter's welfare, not jealousy.

If my young DCs stayed up late way past their bedtime routine they would be tired and grumpy and difficult to settle at night for a few days.

This is one of the few half terms OP will have with her DD whilst off at home on Mat leave now she's off to school.

If the disturbance in routine, and after fall out overtiredness, was for part of a family holiday travelling or visiting family friends, that's different as it has massive benefits to DD. But what benefits would a 4 year old get from a hotel spa overnight stay (see earlier posts about what in practical terms it would be like). ?

I can see why OP is thinking about wanting first time away in hotel to be with her own nuclear family as grandmas plan to recreate what she used to do done OP probably a teenager by then, with a 4 year old, is strange!! It's intense.

Hotel spa night away one on one with grandma and a four year old just isn't an age appropriate thing to plan!!

Regardless of what you think of your mother, if you are using her for childcare for two days a week I think it would very petty for you to say she can't treat your daughter to a trip to the spa with her.

Your post reads as if you don't want your daughter to go to a hotel with your mum because you're jealous of your daughter and feel like you've been replaced somehow. But it isn't your daughter's fault that you don't want to be around your mum.

I understand why it saddens you that you no longer have a close relationship with your mum, but you have said yourself that you don't want to do things like go to a spa with her - in fact, you actually shudder at the thought and it makes you feel sick - so why would she ask you to go with her when she knows full well that you would hate it? I don't think that, just because you don't want to spend any time with her, she's rubbing anything in your face for her to want to do something nice with her grandchild.

You are apparently OK with your mum spending two days a week with your children when it's routine and you need her for childcare, so I think YABVU to say your daughter can't go for a treat with her. You don't want to do stuff with your mum any more, and of course I'm sure you have good reasons for that - and I completely understand why this rakes up difficult feelings for you. But it's not healthy or fair for you to express that by not letting her treat your child.

I have a similar relationship with DM (made even more complex by the fact that she's very unwell at the moment - a different thread).

It took many years to see it but she too demonstrates narcissistic and controlling traits and i'd had enough. Our relationship has changed dramatically.

At first, I was of the opinion of PPs - this is about my relationship with my mother, not my children's relationship with their GM and so I facilitated contact. However, it became clear that she was manipulating them with the things that she said. It felt very insidious and of course the kids were too young to understand it.

From that moment on, she has never been alone with my DCs again. She visits and I'm always there (with the exception of popping to the loo).

If you cannot trust her with your DD overnight, you should not be using her for childcare. Either your daughter's physically and emotionally safe with her or she's not.

Apart from anything else I think this is a strange /unsuitable outing for a 4 year old. I thought you'd put her wrong he and you were going to say 14!

It really annoys me that a huge number of MN posters aren't reading it thinking about the child & OPs original post nor RTFT OR at least OPs posts

This is not a suggested age appropriate activity - grandma isn't suggesting she takes DD (her DGD) out to peppa pig world or a day out playing. Grandma wants to take 4 year old to a spa hotel one on one

. 4 year olds gif to bed usually about 7pm. Grandma wants to keep her up awake as why have her in same hotel room ? No value to 4 year old there...
All points to grandma wanting to keep 4 year old up late out of usual bedtime routine (forget the grumpiness impact on child for days later..,!)

What do you all think a four year old can join in on SPA day At a hotel??? They won't be allowed!!! Spa day for a Child that age is painting toenails and finger nails all of which can be done at home. You wouldn't even put a face pack on a four year old...! Child under 16/18 won't be allowed in hotel spa facilities...! Even the swimming pool won't have lifeguard like local public swimming pool would.

Who is this hotel stay aimed for - whose benefit?- as it is certainly is NOT for the four year old!!! It's a do with teenager perhaps but probably not, more an adult daughter and mum thing.

Zero chance I'd agree this is appropriate for a 4 year old child, and I love my parents!!!
But my parents would suggest butlins weekend or local theme park over hand time and bring DD home for bed routine in her own bed!

Depends on the child... One of my family members would've LOVED this when they were 4 and would've been well able to sit quietly while getting nails done etc, another would've despised it and been a nightmare to entertain. Assume seeing as the granny minds the child she knows she would be able for it. Also, it's not an adult spa hotel.... Its a hotel with a pool... and a salon... There is a difference!

Given the fact that you've allowed her to look after your kids several times a week despite being on maternity leave, and not feeling that your relationship is great, I'm sorry but I'd stick with the yes. I know you're upset you no longer have this relationship, but with the time your kids spend with her, you e encouraged and obviously don't have an issue with her caring for them. I understand why you're upset that your relationship has changed, but no safety concerns, I'd let them go and have a great time.

If she’s like it let her do it

If you don’t want to do it, it’s mean spirited not to let your daughter go just because you don’t get on with your mum. It’s also TBH fairly mean spirited to be quite so unappreciative of her if she provides free childcare.

I had a night in a hotel with my granny when I was about 6 and I ADORED it.

Spend all evening going up and down in the lift.

That’s YOUR opinion but lots of people who are reading the same thread will have a different opinion.

Sorry but it isn’t fair to use her in the ‘nice grandma’ role when it suits you - like when you need the childcare - but then use your child as a weapon and prevent your mother from seeing her when it suits you.

This isn’t about you. This is about your daughter having a lovely relationship with her grandmother.

You said yourself you wouldn’t even want to go to these girl days so it’s not like you’re upset. You’re just being bitter because you don’t like your mum now.

Prevening your daughter from going, if she enjoys the days, would be spiteful and putting her needs behind your anger at your mum.

I'm not sure why you and your mum don't speak but you've clearly had your own conflict in the past. Unless you feel your mum wouldn't be appropriate or safe around DD then I'd let her go and enjoy it. I understand feeling sad that you don't have that relationship with your mum as those would be nice things to do together but equally you've said you've no intention to reconcile so it is what it is for now at least. I think it's fair to be sad about that but you need to remember it's also your choice a little too, for what I'm sure are good reasons. But that doesn't need to affect DD and with a new baby in the home it might be really nice for her to go get spoiled and some extra attention and for you to focus on time with baby.

YABU.

Your relationship cannot be that bad if you still use your DM for free childcare.

This is petty in the extreme:

But the fact she is basically saying hey ho I'll carry on doing nice girly activities but with your daughter and not with you makes me cross, sad, a bit put out and like I should actually put a stop to it

I think park your feelings on it and allow your dd to have a relationship with her nan. YABU

This assumes she is safe and well cared for, which i imagine she will be given she has cared for your kids regularly and you're happy with that.

Its sad for you, but that's a separate issue and your shouldn't punish your dd for what's happened between your and your dm.

I think it’s really hypercritical to use your mum for childcare regularly when you dislike her so much. You can’t have it both ways, and by having them every week she is giving you ALOT of help.

So you are happy to have her in your life as a free babysitter but not for your dd to have a fun overnight sleepover ?
You obviously had issues with your mum in the past but they can't be that bad considering she looks after your dc a few days (!) a week

She wants to spend a day with dd.
Grandma and grandchild bonding . This is not to time for you to play boohoo games

Either she is in your dds life for all parts. Or cut her out completely

But dont do it half. And do cut her out for the wrong reasons either.

Sort of other side, I get on really well with my mum and always have. She regularly asks me to have DD over for a sleepover (a couple times a month at least) which DD loves. She basically never asks me to go for lunch etc anymore which we did a lot previously. We still get on great but maybe the excitement of a grandchild 🤷‍♀️. Meaning to say, it could be less to do with your relationship and more to do with the one she’s building with your dc.

This. You're happy to use her for childcare. She has a good relationship with your DD. I'd let her go. It's a bit hypocritical otherwise.