My Mum wants to take my 4yo DD away for a girls night, but not me?

[ladyluck1234]

Mum and I have not got on well for the past couple of years. We're on speaking terms but the thought of spending quality time with her for the weekend, like we used to (going to spas etc), makes me feel a bit sick. For a variety of reasons it's not going to happen any time soon. Too much has happened over the past couple of years and it's all a bit too awkward/strained. That's another story, but please take that at face value- this is not a post for "why don't you try and reconcile" etc etc.

She helps with our kids a couple of days a week but is feeling the effects of my DD having recently started school, so she's no longer there on the day she has my DS. MY DD is the only girl grandchild amongst boys.

Mum often asks can she take DD to get her nails done, out shopping for the day etc. I agreed last week that she could take DD out for the day during half term week, but she's now asked if she can take DD the night before too, to go to a hotel for a treat stay where there's a pool and a salon so they can have a swim, get her nails painted etc. My instant reaction was "yes of course I'm sure she would love that" without thinking, but I now feel a bit flat and slightly put out. It's the sort of thing WE would always, always done together in the past. DM clearly doesn't want me to go- no offer!- and likewise I shudder at the thought. But the fact she is basically saying hey ho I'll carry on doing nice girly activities but with your daughter and not with you makes me cross, sad, a bit put out and like I should actually put a stop to it.

AIBU? Am I too sensitive?!

If you have a difficult relationship with your mum to the point that spending time with her makes you feel sick, then fair enough. No one but you knows why that is.

What I don’t get is why it’s okay for your mum to be around your daughter to do childcare but can’t take her out for a night for something they’d both enjoy? It sounds as if you’re taking advantage of your mum even though you can’t stand her. In a ‘yeah I’m happy for you to do childcare because that benefits me but you won’t be doing anything nice with my kids.’ Also sounds as if you’re jealous because you and your mum would do something like that in the past.

I personally don’t see why you’re annoyed that your mum hasn’t invited you when you’d clearly say no. Let her have some quality time with her grandchild or stop using her for childcare altogether. You’re practically taking the piss

To add some further context to this which became apparent this weekend (which I suspected was coming).

Approx 6-7 weeks ago, my DM had booked for me, my two kids, my DM, SIL and her DS to go away for a night during half term. We were going to do an activity day about 2.5 hours away, so would have involved 2 days and a night away. I'd blocked it out in my diary and hadn't really thought about it afterwards.

The day after she had booked it (about 6 weeks ago) we had a barny about something. She said she had cancelled it and said she had got her money back as she had cancelled within 24 hours, but I knew she hadn't really done so, and then forgot about it- assuming that we'd all be civil again within a few weeks (which is the case) and that we'd probably still all just end up going (although again the thought kind of fills me with dread, but I'd have gone).

I messaged DM this morning to check if we were still going saying I had just realised it's still blocked out in my diary, she said not and that she had cancelled it within 24 hours of booking. I called the company we were booked in with (I helped her book it)- who confirmed the booking was still there and that nothing had been refunded, no attempt to cancel etc.

I'm cross that she has bare faced lied and that she also is happy to lose £450 for that booking (probably because it involves her going with me) yet she is quite happy to take my DD away for the night.

AI(still)BU?!

The night she wants to take your DD isn't when you should all have been going, is it? She's not planning to still do the trip but without you?

No and no.

Trip with DD is the week before (mine are off for 2 weeks in Oct) and she isn't planning on going on the group break at all- she's just lying and pretending she cancelled it which is utter BS.
She is quite satisfied not going on the group trip because she gets her time away alone with DD.

You either trust her to look after your children or you don’t. Having said that these are very grown up activities for a 4 year old.

I think I'd have to call her out on lying OP. Not in a confrontational way; you could say you were wondering if it was still available so called them to see.

Then have an honest discussion about what's going on in your relationship. Most conflicts are caused (or affected) by miscommunication.

However, I still stand by my pp - if you can't trust her, you can't trust her. Don't use her for childcare if she's untrustworthy OR don't punish Dd by saying no to overnight if she is a safe space for your child.

We're on speaking terms but the thought of spending quality time with her for the weekend, like we used to (going to spas etc), makes me feel a bit sick.

Now you are going away for 2 nights with her?? Was she paying for this trip over the midterm??

I wouldnt agree to this spa hotel trip with my 4 yo DD and grandma. It's not age appropriate nor needed nor is disruption in her routine or sleep worth it, mine would have been out of sorts and tired for days afterwards if kept awake in evening by grandma cos she would otherwise be stuck in a hotel room all evening from 6pm.

It's a bit weird that grandma is also pretending she cancelled a family trip where she was taking OP DD and other DD and DCs too. Grandma sounds manipulative about going away.

So it's ok to say "I thought about it, thanks but no" to the spa hotel idea.

This did make me laugh though
I had a night in a hotel with my granny when I was about 6 and I ADORED it. Spend all evening going up and down in the lift.

Impossible to meaningfully comment without knowing the history, but without any more info I'd always advocate a good daughter-GM relationship.

I don't agree with others that as DM was looking after her during the day before she started school when OP was working, that then whatever grandma decides to organise is a free for all that OP has to go along with. It's still OP's DD so she can decide what she's comfortable with

My Dparents looked after my DCs regularly but they still asked me what would suit my DCs and it was always about DCs not them. And what we agreed was a good idea or not such a good idea... It made me trust them more. They also tagged in between them as having a 4 year old on your own for 8 hours during the day is qualitatively different to 36 hours straight in an unfamiliar environment like the hotel would be!
For a child friendly holiday I could see a benefit to weigh up but not a spa hotel ... that's for adults benefit not the child's.

How many Spas let kids in? I've been to one and I saw a young baby other than that there must be a lot of exgerration here. Perhaps the nan is using the hotel room itself and the pool.

It's not free for all, OP feels pushed out herself. You can't go using people when you see fit.

If your daughter would enjoy it then let her go. I think it's good to give children lots of different experiences and adventures. It seems the only reason you'd say no is because of your hurt feelings. I'm am surprised at spa breaks and nail painting for a 4 year old though! At that age my daughter would have enjoyed the farm or soft play and similar.

People can be shit Mums but good Grannies. It is a far less intense relationship, requiring as much or little effort as you please so some selfish people are actually decent grandparents.
If the trust is gone and you believe she is actually a negative influence on your life or that of your children @ladyluck1234 then you need to say no but also stop the childcare arrangement.
If she isn't a great Mum, but a decent enough Granny then just take a step back and enjoy the peace she provides when she takes either child. Do not agree on any further family trips etc, but allow her to have a relationship with your children.

So your mum provides free (I assume) childcare 2 days a week and offered to take several of you away for 2 nights. In that respect she sounds rather helpful and generous. Yes it wrong that she lied about cancelling but we don't know her side of the story. You say you had "a barney about something". Maybe she was deeply hurt and upset by what you said to her. She may have felt unappreciated and not inclined to take you away but missed the deadline for cancelling so lied. What bothers me about this is that you seem to dislike her and find her manipulative but have no qualms about using her for free childcare. You can't have it both ways - use her when it suits you and push her away when it doesn't.

@ladyluck1234, what you're basically saying is you're jealous of the relationship your mom and your daughter have! If your mother is abusive, I would not allow this. However, if you and your mother don't get along due to personality differences, then leave her relationship with your daughter alone. Grandparents are only around for a short period of time. If they have a good relationship with your children, then your child benefits. Don't take something away from your daughter THAT YOU DON'T EVEN WANT! If your mother invited you, by your own admission, you wouldn't want to go. Don't be offended or jealous of your mother having a good, strong relationship with your daughter! If your mother talks to your daughter about the problems she has with you, then I would tell her not to, but don't restrict your daughter's access to her grandmother in ANY way! Our time on this earth is fleeting and having a grandmother who loves you and cares about you is a treasure that only lasts for a little bit of time! Let your daughter enjoy her time and don't put ADULT ISSUES on your child! Step back! If you want to repair your relationship with your mother, then do that. If not, that is OK too. You've made your choices. Let your daughter enjoy her own relationship with your mother without being burdened by the issues you two have with each other! Work with a therapist to get your jealousy issues out and addressed!

Get over it!! Be glad your mom and your daughter want to spend time together. Be glad they will have a relationship. Let them have the weekend away and don't be upset about it. Its perfectly fine for them to go away w/out you.