Page 6 | To be on the deeds of the house

properdoughnut · 20/09/2022 21:19

I really love him and wouldn't want to leave him! ok so think of it in terms of what if he died or left you. You need to get into a position that if this happened you and the kids would be ok.

hewouldwouldnthe · 20/09/2022 21:23

It should be in both names. Insist and i suspect you'll see a side you never saw before as he is clearly used to getting his own way

Original poster

Unicornetto · 20/09/2022 21:23

Hankunamatata · 20/09/2022 21:16

Why did you sign a declaration of no interest in the first place?

We saw a financial adviser together and she assured me it was the right thing to do as its just a requirement of the lender so they know their backs covered if they ever need to repossess.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2022 21:24

"How is it possible to work and pay for childcare for 3 children and organise childcare in the school holidays? I feel like it's impossible to get on my feet and stuck earning a crap part time wage."

But this is surely something you should have considered before having 3 children? I can't understand how it has taken you until now to realise the position you've put yourself in. You've given him everything and he's given you nothing in return.

magma32 · 20/09/2022 21:31

Testina · 20/09/2022 20:50

“How is it possible to work and pay for childcare for 3 children and organise childcare in the school holidays? I feel like it's impossible to get on my feet and stuck earning a crap part time wage”

Ask your boyfriend?
He manages it.

I’m not just being facetious. The answer is because he relies on the other parent. So there’s your answer - rely on him. You both need to be involved in covering childcare, so that you can work.

Completely agree and your other points

HotDogKetchup · 20/09/2022 21:37

bellac11 · 20/09/2022 20:50

Do you know if he believed that your lack of income would affect the mortgage application?

When he gets annoyed when you ask him about the deeds and he reminds you you're not on the mortgage is he being obstructive about discussion about remortgaging with you on the mortgage or is he simply believing that theres nothing you can do about it now?

Its important to get an idea of his actual understanding, you wouldnt believe the amount of people who dont actually understand mortgages.

If he has literally just remortaged and its gone through, then to remortgage again now might incur some fees.

He can’t have completed - OP hasn’t signed an occupiers waiver which is a pre completion requirement.

magma32 · 20/09/2022 21:37

You love him and don’t want to leave him so you might as well accept the situation because he is relying on your love for him to carry on accepting this shitty behaviour. Why should he change? You need to get ruthless op and demand he starts contributing half towards childcare, and all the domestic and child rearing aspects. Don’t take no for an answer, if he sense any fear in you he won’t do anything. He’s relying on you to be weak this is what keeps him going. If he refuses to contribute so you can earn and save then you can see he’s abusive and controlling and wants to keep you in your place. Then the choice is yours, what would you advise your daughter to do if she was in this situation?

HotDogKetchup · 20/09/2022 21:38

Unicornetto · 20/09/2022 21:23

We saw a financial adviser together and she assured me it was the right thing to do as its just a requirement of the lender so they know their backs covered if they ever need to repossess.

Show quote history

It’s to say that OP has no interest in the property, so if the lender ever needs to repossess they don’t have any competing interests (like an occupier who has acquired rights in the property) which would prevent them gaining possession.

Original poster

Unicornetto · 20/09/2022 21:41

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2022 21:24

"How is it possible to work and pay for childcare for 3 children and organise childcare in the school holidays? I feel like it's impossible to get on my feet and stuck earning a crap part time wage."

But this is surely something you should have considered before having 3 children? I can't understand how it has taken you until now to realise the position you've put yourself in. You've given him everything and he's given you nothing in return.

Wow was just asked for advice, as everyone was saying get a full time job. I guess I will be earning a crap part time wage for a time yet but it means getting to take my kids to school and pick them up, it's worth it while they'll little. He earns a good wage, works two jobs and pays for everything that's what Ive got in return....I just need to sort out the mortgage and deeds etc which is my fault for not getting involved earlier and leaving it too late..

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 20/09/2022 21:43

How could you sign a declaration of no interest anyway - you have 3 dependent children.

I'd just go for a joint mortgage now that you're earning some money.

Hermione101 · 20/09/2022 21:46

I don’t understand how women have multiple kids, they leave work and have zero financial independence.

I am also unmarried and he owns the house. But, I absolutely chose to only have one child because after our first one it became apparent that he had no intention of marriage. I went back to work after mat leave and he paid for half of the childcare (obviously!).

He pays a higher percentage for DD’s private school and we split bills and food (no mortgage). Everything I spend on DD in terms of activities, clothes etc…I keep a running account of these expenses and take them off what I transfer to him monthly for school fees. I absolutely will not be the default bank account for my child when DP earns double what I do.

I save a massive amount into my pension and other investments. I have made it clear that I’m not paying anything towards the house (renovations/repairs), because it’s an asset I won’t see a return on.

Yes this all sounds very unromantic and transactional, but I simply cannot leave myself in a situation where I am financially vulnerable.

Wake up OP, you need to regain agency in your own life.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 20/09/2022 21:46

How do you do it? You both made the babies right? So you share the childcare / school runs/ nursery bills. Or from your posts I imagine he’s one of them who thinks it’s womens work. Keeping you in your box. You either need to be in on those deeds or married quick as you have absolutely no financial security for you or your children, because let’s face it - if he doesn’t do his share now hes certainly not going to do the school run or split custody with you so you can work if you split.

Hermione101 · 20/09/2022 21:47

Why can’t you get a full time job and put your kids in after school care? Your DP pays half of this cost obviously.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/09/2022 21:52

Of course you should be on the deeds. My dp went on our deeds despite the house being bought with my deposit and based on my income alone. There's to reason not to protect your DP in this way.

We jointly made a choice not to marry, but this only works for us because we have had good financial advice about how to protect each other, and we both work full-time earning a similar amount. I think your situation is very precarious, and marriage would protect you.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/09/2022 21:57

.I just need to sort out the mortgage and deeds etc

Can I ask how you will be sorting that with a man that says no as I'm not on the mortgage and gets really annoyed with me for asking

?

Floweryflora · 20/09/2022 21:58

You've given him everything and he's given you nothing in return

that’s unfair to both of them, he clearly pays for most things. Mortgage utilities insurance etc. she ain’t living in a field foraging for berries.

Unbridezilla · 20/09/2022 21:59

Unicornetto · 20/09/2022 21:41

Wow was just asked for advice, as everyone was saying get a full time job. I guess I will be earning a crap part time wage for a time yet but it means getting to take my kids to school and pick them up, it's worth it while they'll little. He earns a good wage, works two jobs and pays for everything that's what Ive got in return....I just need to sort out the mortgage and deeds etc which is my fault for not getting involved earlier and leaving it too late..

Show quote history

Seriously OP, you really need to change your mindset here.

It is not your fault that your dp is hally to leave you without a home if he dies.
It is not your responsibility to solve the childcare problem on your own.
The are both joint issues. Your dp is just as much at fault as you are, bit he is definitely benefitting significantly from it.

IrisVersicolor · 20/09/2022 21:59

Not another one. I just don’t think I can read these threads any more.

FinallyHere · 20/09/2022 22:03

He has just remortgaged and I've been asked to sign the 'declaration of no interest' (I did this before) but I'm wondering if I should be on the deeds as we're not married?

It's really no business of anyone other than the two of you. By asking you to sign the 'declaration of no interest' your partner could not be making his own opinion more clear. You are not married and he does not consider that you have any claim at all on this property.

As the mother of his child, you (and I for that matter, but it's really nothing to do with me as a stranger ) might think that you do deserve a share of that property because you are contributing both your unique ability to have a child together and that now that you both have the child, you facilitate his lifestyle by raising the child and have given up at least some of your earning power in order to do this.

However, in making the choices that you have made, you have given up any of the power you might have had.

Everything you might have is in his gift He currently has it all and for you to have any of it, would require him giving it away from him to you.

You are in a very vulnerable position. I am very sorry.

Your best chance might be to talk to him by about how vulnerable the mother of his children is. Alternatively, get a full time job and share the costs of childcare. He might of course prefer that you continue to cover all the costs of childcare and run his household for him for free. If you try that route, you may have to be prepared to start again as a single parent with only statutory child maintenance.

How would that compare to your life if you stay together ? What about if he decided he no longer wanted to offer you a home?

That financial advisor was working only in his interest. They made sure that you would not have any automatic claim on the property because you signed away any claim.

I feel enraged in your behalf that there was nothing in your education or family circumstances to warm you about the perils of your situation.

Good luck.

bellac11 · 20/09/2022 22:04

Unbridezilla · 20/09/2022 21:59

Seriously OP, you really need to change your mindset here.

It is not your fault that your dp is hally to leave you without a home if he dies.
It is not your responsibility to solve the childcare problem on your own.
The are both joint issues. Your dp is just as much at fault as you are, bit he is definitely benefitting significantly from it.

Show quote history

From what she has said, unless there is something she hasnt said she has also benefitted from this

Shes had a large number of children and not needed to worry about whether she can do tht or not, she has enjoyed doing the day to day care while they are little and had the luxury of being the one who is able to do that rather than a child minder/nursery. She hasnt needed to worry about bills, mortgage, rent etc. She doesnt seem to have brought anything to the household finances such as a deposit.

They are both contributing to each other in different ways, the issue is about her housing issues should the relationship end.

User56785 · 20/09/2022 22:11

I just need to sort out the mortgage and deeds etc

But you've asked him already and he said no and was annoyed at you for asking. So it's not as straightforward as 'just need to sort out'.

All that needs to happen is he gets knocked over by a bus and his next of kin gets the house or he leaves you and you will literally be in the street.

Yes, posters are being hard on you because this is a tale as old as time. It's just so frustrating to see it happen over and over again.

Testina · 20/09/2022 22:13

Unicornetto · 20/09/2022 21:23

We saw a financial adviser together and she assured me it was the right thing to do as its just a requirement of the lender so they know their backs covered if they ever need to repossess.

Show quote history

Her job is to advise you on how to get a mortgage so she can earn her money.
She has no interest - or legal expertise - in protecting you against your poor decisions.

Floweryflora · 20/09/2022 22:18

It is not your fault that your dp is hally to leave you without a home if he dies

well he can write a will but as they only bought five years ago there may be little to no equity and she can’t afford the mortgage. So him putting her on the deeds wouldn’t give her a home.

the way for her to have a home is get a full time job and earn enough to rent one but she’s not keen to do that.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/09/2022 22:21

He's already said no to putting you on the deeds to HIS house and gets annoyed when you bring it up.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Presumably you have sod all pension compared to his.

Good luck getting it sorted OP. I'm glad you've realised how vulnerable you are financially.

bellac11 · 20/09/2022 22:21

Floweryflora · 20/09/2022 22:18

It is not your fault that your dp is hally to leave you without a home if he dies

well he can write a will but as they only bought five years ago there may be little to no equity and she can’t afford the mortgage. So him putting her on the deeds wouldn’t give her a home.

the way for her to have a home is get a full time job and earn enough to rent one but she’s not keen to do that.

One would hope that OP is named on his pension as the death in service nominee.