To have massively messed up our finances

[moneymortified]

My fiancé and I have been saving for our wedding for a year. I earn more than him but I’ve always been a spender. Never in debt or beyond my means but I’m not a big saver. We’ve been saving our money separately and have now come to pool it all together and I’m £1500 short. I don’t know how it’s happened. I just overspent every month and hoped it would all work itself out and now it’s come to it and I just haven’t saved enough. I honestly don’t even know what I’ve spent it on, just frittered on expensive skincare and make-up and stuff.

We have enough money to make up the shortfall but it means eating into our normal savings and my fiancé will cover it, like he always does, because he’s dependable and reliable and I’m useless.

He’s upset and disappointed but being quite nice about it. He grew up with a lot of debt in his family so gets worried about people keeping secrets with money because he doesn’t want me to end up hiding things and getting depressed and desperate etc. I’m just so embarrassed. How can I make it up to him? I never used to be so reckless, just lifestyle creep once my salary started going up.

If I am honest, having been with someone like you, I’d he posted I would say don’t get married until you show you can change.

You earn more but he is having to make up your shortfall? Just because you thought it would work itself out.

You make it up to him by changing. When you make a commitment you stick to it. Not just ignore it until it’s too late and rely on him to fill your gaps.

You’ve opened up, took responsibility and now you draw a line under it and move on. How do you think you can improve the situation?

I’m not asking for sympathy, just wondering if anyone else has any advice on how to change my money mindset and also how I can make this up to him? Have any of you been the partner in this situation and it’s resolved?

Well I wouldn’t buy him a present because that’s spending more money. Can you maybe keep track of your spending better with an excel sheet or something? Then pay back that shortfall into the savings in due course to show him you can do better?

You make it up to him by controlling your expenditure, look at what you spend and cut where it's possible eg look at Aldi's moisturiser for instance, use existing makeup and replace with cheaper products when required. Rewear existing clothes only replacing items which genuinely need to be (we nearly all have too many outfits!). You can do it with self control

I would see it as a wake up call for your spending habits and take a bit of time this week to sit down and work out a budget for the future
Be honest with your fiancé about this having upset you and maybe ask for some help and support from him to curb your spending habits?

I don’t think you have to give up all your treats money. Give yourself a set amount for your skincare and make up, but also tell your fiancé so you are accountable for your spending limits. Maybe have a one-in-one-out rule so you are replacing things you use rather than spending for the sake of it?

Set up the savings standing orders to come out the same day you get paid, so that it’s locked in.
If you have credit cards, get rid of them (or at least lock them away in a drawer so you can’t use them)

It doesn't sound like you're useless or reckless, it sounds like you are enjoying your salary and spending more than you want to and should, but less than you could.

I think you should make it up to him by doing your best to make sure that in future you only spend when the money you are spending is genuinely a good value investment in your happiness - I am guessing you know that money you "frittered on expensive skincare and make-up and stuff" was not a good value investment in your happiness. This would be good for you and him

@Hearthnhome I agree. I’d say the same. That’s why I’m so embarrassed. I know I have to change. Thank you.

@LadyWithLapdog thank you for that. I just have to stop with the thoughtless spending. I never think about my salary. I think if I started paying my wages into a joint bank account the embarrassment of spending £200 a month on makeup would stop me doing it. Maybe I need to just cancel all my online accounts as well to make knee jerk phone spending harder.

Nope it didn’t. He continued the behaviour and it was one of the reasons my marriage ended. Was fed up of him being reliable with money.

It was actually easier to be a single parent on less household income.

He and his lack of financial responsibility became a millstone round my neck.

I now own my own house, we have a financially comfortable life and he is still skint all the time. He even transferred his car into my daughters name, when she was 17, so bailiffs didn’t remove it. Without telling her which has caused her issues.

Make a plan on how to make £1500?
Cut back on spending and sell some items you’ve frittered money on?

I would say pay into the savings as soon as you get paid. Also look at YNAB.

@YouSirNeighMmmm I love that phrase - good value investment in our happiness. Very little I buy is for that whereas most of what he spends his money on is. We need to work on that together.

I've found having a separate monzo account helpful. I transfer my monthly 'spends' and only use this card to pay for stuff. All bills go from my main account, and I transfer a separate amount to savings at the start of each month. Once the monzo money is gone, its gone. No more spends until payday.

It sounds really basic but I've saved hundreds quite quickly 😬

Get the audiobook of Atomic Habits and use it to help you change your attitude to money.

Also, save first, as soon as you get paid.

If I was him I'd be slowing things down because different attitudes to money are a big stress on a relationship.

Set up an account for savings and do a dd each month just after you are paid. Then you know you Cannot spend that. If its not sat in one place it's less tempting

This is all really helpful, thank you so much everyone. I’m sorry for the people who’ve had experience with someone like me.

Do you not have a standing order to a savings account set to go out on payday?

NGL if I were your fiance I would be calling off the wedding. Nothing worse than being married/financially linked to someone who is shit with money/gets into debt etc. I know someone who has a girlfriend who he has been with 9 years. She spends spends spends like money is going out of fashion.

She is careless and irresponsible and has not changed in 9 years - since they met at 20! They bought a house last year, and he had to have the mortgage in his name only (and the house is thankfully for him) because SHE swapped jobs every 9-10 months and was a risk, and she has just recently decided to buy a new phone, that cost £1.5K. Fucking waste of money.

I don't know why he tolerates it, but I know he will never marry her because she has not grown up yet. She acts like a child; She's 29!

@moneymortified Spending £200 in one month on make up is pretty disgusting tbh.

Set yourself a realistic "treat" budget and stick to it. So you don't have to stop spending entirely but once that months money is gone you don't buy anything else. Also agree, pay money into savings as soon as you get paid. The rest in your account has to last.

i do, but then I’d transfer bits and bobs back when I wanted something and said I’d save the extra next month, and it just hasn’t all balanced out.

You need to start taking some normal, adult responsibility. You didn’t let him down by accident, you actively chose to blow the money and to expect him to pick up your mess. This is no basis for a relationship.

The answer’s really simple though, you need to work out your income and your outgoings, budget properly, and not spend a penny more than you have in your budget.

That budget needs to cover known but infrequent spends (car insurance etc.) an emergency fund, whatever investments you want to make, and every bill.

Also have a think about what triggers your shopping

if it’s receiving marketing emails, unsubscribe from them

if it’s boredom at lunchtime, find a good podcast to listen to or book to read

If it’s a weekend hobby to go to the shops, find something you can do with him instead

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps It is a crazy amount, I know. Disgusting is the word.

I’m not financially irresponsible in terms of our house or bills though, our mortgage is in both our names and we pay equal for everything every month, and the house deposit was mine so I’m not a sponger. It’s just the leftover money every month I can’t seem to “save” anymore.

The triggers is such a big issue. I’m such a consumer when something is being sold to me online. I think I need to really cull the accounts I follow on social media.

The OP hasn't taken responsibility. They say their partner will make up the short fall. That's not taking responsibility