To have massively messed up our finances

[moneymortified]

My fiancé and I have been saving for our wedding for a year. I earn more than him but I’ve always been a spender. Never in debt or beyond my means but I’m not a big saver. We’ve been saving our money separately and have now come to pool it all together and I’m £1500 short. I don’t know how it’s happened. I just overspent every month and hoped it would all work itself out and now it’s come to it and I just haven’t saved enough. I honestly don’t even know what I’ve spent it on, just frittered on expensive skincare and make-up and stuff.

We have enough money to make up the shortfall but it means eating into our normal savings and my fiancé will cover it, like he always does, because he’s dependable and reliable and I’m useless.

He’s upset and disappointed but being quite nice about it. He grew up with a lot of debt in his family so gets worried about people keeping secrets with money because he doesn’t want me to end up hiding things and getting depressed and desperate etc. I’m just so embarrassed. How can I make it up to him? I never used to be so reckless, just lifestyle creep once my salary started going up.

I actually had no idea there were makeup Facebook groups! I’m going to look. I have loads of unopened stuff.

Ban yourself from buying anything on the spot.
If you still want it in a few days; work out how it will impact your savings.
Ideally pick something else you will give up in its place.

This approach helped two of my similarly minded friends get out of debt, I also checked in with them on their progress on a monthly basis. (They asked me for this as I’m good at budgeting, I wasn’t being weird!)

but less than you could.

It is only less than she could because she uses her fiancé to bail her out. If it had been a real cost she would have been in trouble. If we heard from the other side of this post, absolutely no-one on MN would recommend to marry someone who has used them like this.

I just overspent every month and hoped it would all work itself out

That is not the root reason. You either counted on using your fiancé to bail you out or you don't care enough about getting married. Which is it?

Either way it is immature, irresponsible and frankly you are not ready for an adult commitment like marriage. OP you can make it up to him by being honest with him and delaying the wedding until at least you prove to yourself you are ready and it is what you actually want.

@SeemsSoUnfair I desperately want to get married. Not a drip feed but I originally wanted to elope for very little money, the wedding is his baby. He’s planned it. It would be even worse for him to delay at this stage, he’d never want to do that, I already suggested it.

If I was your fiancé, I'd be reconsidering the wedding as I wouldn't want to enter into a contract where I become liable for your debts and you get equal rights to my assets.

@spiderontheceiling I’ve never been in debt. I never will be. That’s not my issue.

Monzo bank account is good for budgeting. You set up named ‘pots’ which are like little savings accounts attached to your main current account , mine are called ‘holiday’ ‘birthday kids’ and ‘carpets’ atm.
each month the amount I’ve chosen gets dropped into each and they soon fill up to their targets. I always have the money there for the kids birthdays and I’ve nearly got my new stair and landing carpet saved. Very easy! It’s instant access if you are in a fix and need to dip into them but it’s very easy not to because you see them building up to their targets. If you’re a bit naughty with make-up or clothes or whatever you can make a pot just for that that with a budget and just go on splurges when that pot has a good chunk in it.
we can’t all be super with money, it’s a skill like any other and some people are gonna be better than others. I don’t get in any serious trouble now because I’ve simplified everything in advance . I did used to be nail bitingly skint after the kids birthdays because I always way overspent but now it’s £500 limit and not a penny more because it’s already divided up and it’s saved in advance so I just don’t touch my everyday money.

@moneymortified I have sold new makeup/perfume products on eBay. Spend 5 minutes scanning the barcodes of a few things and you can see what they are worth. I also sold an Hourglass blusher that I had used twice as it was the incorrect shade for about £10 off the retail price.

You need to work out what spending gives you hit wise. You clearly overbuy and like the nice things. Sell the unneeded /unopened things.

Can you get the buzz another way. I win stuff I really want!

Unsubscribe to marketing. Emails, social media accounts. It’s all there to make you think you need it.

Could you try and implement a system for yourself, for instance if you see something online, that you maybe add to basket, but don't actually proceed for a week, for instance?

Write in diary, when the 7 day period is up, then ask yourself if you really do need it.

Same.

Luckily DH wasn't as quick to cut me off and out his life as some on here.

I changed...

Now I'm the one better with money.

When you have a seperate card, over a very short period your attitude changes. It stops being "easy" to spend and you become conscious of what you are spending...

You are right now. You are in debt to your partner.

Given though that this suggests you have enough savings to buy a house outright (as you say you’ll not need to borrow) then why not use some of that money for the wedding?

A wedding should be such a huge, one-off focus for saving. £200 is your veil, or your make-up or whatever - things that you can actually visualise. But you'd rather fritter it away on a moisturiser or other fripperies.

I'd be really worried that if you can't manage to save for a wedding, what are you going to be like when things get tighter when children/childcare etc kick in and it's the grind of everyday budgeting?

Great to learn this lesson now rather than later.

Take a look at YNAB. It's a fab app & you will learn so much about your finances & how to manage your money. I wish I had started using it years ago.

I think you’re being very harsh on yourself. You say you have no debt and other savings, did you pay in to them also?

If you can afford £200 a month on make up pay at least that amount back in to joint savings (or to your fiancé) each month till you’re even and then maybe for a little longer too to create more of a cushion. Once your married you could contribute in to joint savings according to how much you earn after bills etc so say 60/40 and keep that account separate.

Best thing I did was make myself look at my balance daily. There are things you forget are coming out or need paying for even the odd coffee or night out add up.

Then I would set up a DD spending account for you - say £100 weekly - this should cover petrol, lunches out , treats, etc your personal daily spends - when it’s gone it’s gone - so almost a sun bank account

I will be blunt, you said you will save x and didn't. Saying you eill never be in debt has no value.

It's really understandable why your DP is upset.
I think like with everything people need wakeup call. Problem is that I don't think this eill be it because DP saved the day....

Start saving in something like Moneybox on the accounts ehere you need to gove notice or have only 1 withdrawal

How can I make it up to him?

You know exactly how to make it up to him. Curb your spending, be responsible and respectful, save hard. Pay that extra £1500 into the fund and more on top to show you can be relied on.

Can you not set up a standing order so that whatever you're meant to be saving instantly disappears on payday? If it's not there you can't spend it surely?

You obviously have a very comfortable safety net whether that be your own income or your family’s wealth.

However for me if I was your DP it would be more about the difference in values when it comes to money and trusting each other

What about the next big purchase? Are you still going to be loose with your spending?

I will be honest I ended a pretty serious relationship with someone who had the same outlook on money to you. Even though they were pretty secure financially so didn’t think spending was an issue, it was for me because it showed we had different priorities on what was important in our relationship

Part of being in a equal relationship is being able to compromise so you are both satisfied. You agreed to whatever your wedding plans are.

If you are going ahead with wedding plans you are not fully committed to, or feel you have been coerced into it, or feel you have no choice....or can't be bothered saving for, then you shouldn't be getting married.

You aren’t in debt, and can still afford the wedding …. Not really the end of the world.

I am shocking with money .. really shocking, and i’m the primary wage earner. We have seperate bank accounts, and a joint account - as soon as I get paid £1500 gets transferred into the joint account (that I don’t have access to), and all bills are covered. I also pay the “running costs” (food, furnishings etc) for the house. I spend up every month, I can’t save .. hopeless.

My husbands money all goes into savings - for both of us, he’s a saver and a planner .. he’s good at it.

It all works itself out.

Change you credit card for a debit card then you can only spend after you have been paid, also move any spare cash each month into a separate account so you’re not tempted.

Don’t want to just pile on you OP but you’re not really taking responsibility. You thought it would just make itself up somehow…but that somehow never happened and now there’s repercussions to that.

You sound like you come from quite a privileged place - both financially and your mindset. You’ve clearly never gone without, which kind of accounts for the breezy “oh I just thought it would come from somewhere” mentality.

Truly taking responsibility would be preventing having to dip into your other shared savings and find the money elsewhere.

You are in debt. To the suppliers of your wedding, which should be the most important thing on your mind. What if you had to pay a wedding supplier that you committed to paying and your fiancé couldn't pay your part either? What would happen in the real adult world?

Terrible basis for a marriage.