To have massively messed up our finances

[moneymortified]

My fiancé and I have been saving for our wedding for a year. I earn more than him but I’ve always been a spender. Never in debt or beyond my means but I’m not a big saver. We’ve been saving our money separately and have now come to pool it all together and I’m £1500 short. I don’t know how it’s happened. I just overspent every month and hoped it would all work itself out and now it’s come to it and I just haven’t saved enough. I honestly don’t even know what I’ve spent it on, just frittered on expensive skincare and make-up and stuff.

We have enough money to make up the shortfall but it means eating into our normal savings and my fiancé will cover it, like he always does, because he’s dependable and reliable and I’m useless.

He’s upset and disappointed but being quite nice about it. He grew up with a lot of debt in his family so gets worried about people keeping secrets with money because he doesn’t want me to end up hiding things and getting depressed and desperate etc. I’m just so embarrassed. How can I make it up to him? I never used to be so reckless, just lifestyle creep once my salary started going up.

Have a cheaper wedding

I agree with above, as in not in debt, keeping up with bills etc. Its not desperate.

Also I thought that @TeacupDrama had some very good advice.
I have some sympathy for your position... you are six weeks away from a big wedding and I'm betting that there were lots of unexpected expenses in recent months, people wanting to see you in the run up and celebrate, etc plus pressure on you to look your best which is probably part of the reason you've been feeling like you need expensive skin care etc.

In a way, your fiancé wanted the big expensive wedding rather than you did. That is his spending spree moment. But as you are not in debt and are considering this now before it gets out of control... think of this as a learning curve.

The good thing is that you are awake to this and are looking for ways to improve the situation and willing to change - that's a very good start. Have you thought of going through all your bills on comparison websites to see if you can get a better deal on things like car insurance etc.. you might make some immediate savings there too. If this makes you better at saving in the future it will have been a timely wake-up call.

Weddings are expensive beasts however much you plan in advance and you will get over this bump in the road.

£200 a month for MAKE UP you have a bigger problem than you realise that is ridiculous !

You need to make saving your priority. The best thing to do it treat your saving like a bill and pay it into a different bank account on pay day.

I agree with the poster who pointed out you are saving for a party he wanted, not you. You're beating yourself up about it unnecessarily and I hope this isn't a pattern in your relationship, for your sake. If my DP wanted a big expensive party and I didn't, I would expect him to save for it and be grateful I show up on the day.

Your latest update makes it worse in my eyes. Why are you constantly being made to feel bad for something so small?

Give the girl a break!!! Omg. There are some seriously nasty bitter bats around. Piss off.
ok OP, you know you’ve fucked up royally, now is time to make amends. Start by cutting out all of your spending that isn’t essential!! No luxury makeup or skincare. Start saving. It’s more than doable. The fact is, you’re a team and none of my us are perfect but I can see from your post the guilt you have.
ignore the venomous tongues of some of the hasbeens and make good. Learn from your mistake.
i wish you and your man all the best in what already is a hard world we live in xxxx

I agree with these guys. It’s not like the money isn’t there to borrow and put back in.

£200 on make up doesn’t get you that far really. If you’ve got no debts or outstanding bills (bar this one) then I think you should spend your money how you want. You earned it after all. My OH has just dropped £300 on rugby tickets for an 80 minute game. It’s loads of money but it’s his money and he works hard for it.

I know you’re making your H2B out to be v understanding and that but he sounds like he’s making you feel bad. Obviously it’s not ideal that you didn’t save what you had planned but it’s hardly a life changing amount of money and can be replenished in the short term.

Im the spender - DH the saver. If we have a saving goal, I send my share as soon as I get paid, the rest I know is ok to spend. I also like expensive make up and skin care, salon appts etc but this way if I don't have the money in my bank I can't spend it. I'd have to ask him to move some money back over out the savings which I would never do. I feel this helps me budget better - it has also helped me cut back because as well as our joint savings, I like to have money saved up in my own account.

So see if you can sell any clothes you dont wear...you might even have stuff you have never worn. Sell it all, ebay or similar. Anything else you can sell? economise. Take your lunch with you to work...stop buying coffee's...look at whats going out and see where you can make savings. Show him you can do this....because otherwise he is going to worry about you and finances for your entire marriage...and its not fair on him is it?

You make it up to him by saving money from today onwards

in the run up to the wedding if someone asks to met up for drinks etc apart from your hen night just trot out the line

" oh you know weddings always cost more than you think especiaaly as costs have risen since we first got engaged ... you know cost of living and all that..., so it's going to have to be a no for a few months as we're putting all spare money to the wedding" if they ask again just say I'm sorry but it doesn't work for me, because even if they offer to pay you will want to buy them a drink as a thank you, or a new top etc

Get some help with this have had similar and kept things to myself talk to other half I no longer have credit card

My OH was like this. I think as long as you can see it’s not your strong suit it’s OK. It just means I manage our money. You are quite early days for that, but maybe something to consider later on x

3 pots. Survive, spend, save.

Either get yourself a bank any with virtual pots within one account, or open 3 seperate accounts.

On payday, or the very earliest opportunity move the required amount of money for monthly bills/childcare/subscriptions etc into 'Survive' account. All done and dusted, no need to worry, that will take care of itself, assuming you're accurate in knowing how much you'll need.

Move enough money into your Savings account to cover 1/12th of your holiday, Christmas fund, car tax, etc, basically everything you pay for once a year. You have to do this at the START of your month, not just what you have left over, else you won't be putting enough away.

Figure out how much you typically spend in a week on costa, magazines, greggs, cinema, pub lunches, make up, etc and times by 4.3 (ish) to give yourself a monthly figure. If you're shit at keeping to a budget you might want a 4th account to feed yourself one weekly allocation at a time. Keeping to weekly "pocket money" will get rid of the status quo where you're just tapping your contactless card and it's just coming out of one massive bottomless pit of salary (which does have an end!).

It sounds so simple but so many people don't do it. If I just had one account for everything I'd always be short like you've found yourself. 15 years ago I did it by drawing all my 'pocket money' out at the beginning of each month, and sealing each week into brown envelopes labelled with each Friday in the month. Now banks allow 'pots' it's a whole lot easier!!

Also, if you're in a situation where your salary isn't covering everything needed for your 3 Survive, Spend, Save pots then you have in essence 2 choices. Either increase your salary available for going into the pots, or decrease what's needed to come out of the pots.

Hoenstly this conversation about how you work together in life and work as a team with all your faults and brilliant qualities is a much better start of a life together than expensive rings... keep the place holders and let them help you remember keep talking about the difficult and the wonderful things in life. Keep talking without shame and solve shit together ❤ I hope you have a wonderful day. My strong advice is to spend money on house and or time together (travel!) and treasure jewellery with meaning rather than carats. We have had a joint account from nealry day dot (it helped that at the beginning we were both poor as church mice and earning about the same) and all income goes into it and is considered 'family' income. I earn way more than him (atm) but can only do this because he is with DC. we talk openly (well do our best and try) and don't shame about finances (always) but it helps me be mindful and him spend on stuff that counts. Bills and savings come out and we get to.spend rest. If you feel you could do that would highly recommend. It has worked for us. From another fritter (married 20 years to a spend thrift.)

The only way to make up for it is to do better. Make a budget for yourself and STICK TO IT. Financial things are the last things in the world, and never "just work themselves out." They are, however, one of the few things that we have some control over. Take that control. There are some good sites online that help a novice to make a reasonable budget. Take advantage of them.

You're my father all over again.
After coming to the brink of divorce over finances, my father started signing his checks over to mum and receiving an amount they had agreed upon at the start.

I am the reckless spender in our relationship, though DH has some spending issues too so its not straightforward. I've found that 'save first, spend after' helps me. So my savings leave the spending account even before the bills. I use a savings account with virtual pots and shift money into named targets eg Cordless mower, face creams, car insurance, shoes etc so I can see the savings accumulate for my purchases. It's not perfect, as I'm not perfect, but it helps. When I got myself in really bad financial difficulty 10 years ago, I used to think, how long will I have to work to pay for this, it also helped a bit.

To be honest, if you aren't in debt and don't have credit cards, I would be inclined to arrange an interest free credit card and use it to buy the wedding rings. Using credit helps your credit rating in the long run and if you know you can save that amount by your first anniversary then you'll pay it off before the interest free period ends. This is a separate issue to your spending habits, but is a way to have everything you want for the wedding without it actually costing you more (as it would if you need to buy placeholder rings).

Congratulations ! Not many brides will have zero debt before their big day. You have "under saved" by relatively small amount. Stop calling yourself useless and beating yourself up. Sorry, but your fiance sounds jealous that you earn more than him and got a significant pay rise. Bet he doesn't complain about you looking good in your makeup, hair and clothes.

You didn't save enough, you're not in debt. You are talking like you have racked up huge debts. £1500 over a year is about £28 a week. That's not a lot in the grand scheme of things and can easily by rectified if you are both earning. Maybe your outgoings are a little higher than you thought and there is nothing wrong with using your own money to buy stuff if your not getting into debt!
I think you and your fiancé are making this a lot bigger than it is. You have other savings you can use, and can replace the money later. What is the problem?

Omg I think people are being massively harsh here!

So you provided the house deposit, have more salary, are clearly solvent because you have a mortgage and the issue is that you saved £1500 less than you pledged to and as a couple still have enough to pay for the wedding?

Your partner is really overrreacting here. I think it’s fine to be a bit spendy if you have the salary to support it and are still saving? I think I would manage expectations to ensure some clothes/make up/hair spending is part of the budget, rather than just pretending you don’t spend money on that stuff! I sound very similar to you- I spend but also save, my partner just saves more, that’s because he has a hobby that can be done from home, doesn’t have any beauty treatments and doesn’t care for clothes! However, he agrees that he supports my once a week hobby, likes me having my hair and nails done and appreciates the result etc… therefore he accepts that there is a bit of money spent on this each month.

we build that into our savings plans and then there’s no surprises- even if that means saving is a bit slower, he doesn’t want me to compromise on lifestyle! Obviously if we were less financially comfortable we would discuss and reconsider but it’s workable at the moment!

Thank you for expressing my thoughts - give the poor girl a break for heaven's sake!
There is indeed some great advice on here but I hate how this site is used to rid people of their daily angst by taking their misery out on other people they don't have to face in person. It's so cowardly.
This may be a lesson learned, but it's a small one in the scheme of things. Wishing you both a fabulous wedding day.