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Original poster

To have massively messed up our finances

216 replies

moneymortified · 20/09/2022 18:55

My fiancé and I have been saving for our wedding for a year. I earn more than him but I’ve always been a spender. Never in debt or beyond my means but I’m not a big saver. We’ve been saving our money separately and have now come to pool it all together and I’m £1500 short. I don’t know how it’s happened. I just overspent every month and hoped it would all work itself out and now it’s come to it and I just haven’t saved enough. I honestly don’t even know what I’ve spent it on, just frittered on expensive skincare and make-up and stuff.

We have enough money to make up the shortfall but it means eating into our normal savings and my fiancé will cover it, like he always does, because he’s dependable and reliable and I’m useless.

He’s upset and disappointed but being quite nice about it. He grew up with a lot of debt in his family so gets worried about people keeping secrets with money because he doesn’t want me to end up hiding things and getting depressed and desperate etc. I’m just so embarrassed. How can I make it up to him? I never used to be so reckless, just lifestyle creep once my salary started going up.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneymortified · 20/09/2022 19:58

PhilInt · 20/09/2022 19:53

I think you need to understand why you buy these things. It sounds more emotional to me. I say this because despite this being a one off saving up occasion and you setting up systems to save you still broke those systems because you couldn't resist. What makes it a compulsion for you to buy things?

My spending changed drastically during lockdown. It coincided with a decent pay rise and then I was very anxious at the start of lockdown. Got obsessed with makeup and skincare and my hair - just became very obsessed. I also spent a lot more time on social media getting sold to by influencers.

OP posts:
YouSirNeighMmmm · 20/09/2022 19:59

moneymortified · 20/09/2022 19:02

@YouSirNeighMmmm I love that phrase - good value investment in our happiness. Very little I buy is for that whereas most of what he spends his money on is. We need to work on that together.

Please interpret my words any which way that helps you, but I kind of meant you individually should be investing in your happiness, not "frittering" money away.

Ensuring you have decent skincare products on hand is a good investment. Buying a nice new pair of shoes is a good investment if your old "nice pairs" are getting worn or uncomfortable. Buying lots of skincare products that are very expensive and you don't need - not a good investment!

I think that both of you deserve to buy things for yourselves (as individuals), as well as having a responsibility to each other.

Original poster
moneymortified · 20/09/2022 20:01

@MapleSpice thank you so much for sharing and for this advice, I really appreciate it!

OP posts:
Choppies · 20/09/2022 20:02

If you set up a joint monzo for him to watch your spends for accountability then unlink any other cards from Apple Pay or whatever and only carry the monzo card with you - remove other card details from stored data on phone, etc. basically make it impossible to dip into savings on impulse. Put extra money in premium bonds or similar so you have to wait 3 days to access after pulling it out. You have to be really strict until you’ve broken the habits.

good luck OP!

Original poster
moneymortified · 20/09/2022 20:02

TeacupDrama · 20/09/2022 19:56

you need 4 bank accounts

  1. a joint one for bills mortgage insurance utilities etc, food budget, this is just direct debits you can't use it to pay bills no cards
  2. a second account with same bank with debit cards for food car fuel transport household expenses etc
  3. savings account with a different bank you transfer into this the same day as you are paid you don't have online banking so you can't just transfer money back maybe telephoone banking or a rule that you have to wait 48 hours to transfer that wait might be long enough for the urge to splurge to pass
  4. a personal spends account again a third bank so you can't move money from accounts 1 and 2 into it, you transfer a set amount in at beginning of month you can spend it on make up or whatever but when it is gone it's gone until next payday the sum you agree with DH and he has a similar account; couples should have equal free spends even if earnings have a disparity this is the account you must buy presents for DH and your friends from
you might want to add a fifth joint savings account for holidays christmas a new car etc with the rule that neither of you can use the money without the other's agreement

at some point you will need long term savings for extra pension etc

unsubscribe from all beauty fashion influencers emails youtube tiktok etc if you need to be informed of it's existence you don't need it; you know already what you need

try a no buy 3 months to reset your habits where you buy nothing bar essentials if you run out of shampoo or foundation or tights etc you can buy a new one but not if you have an unopened one in the cupboard
if you don't sell your unused makeup make yourself use it up by not buying another one until it is finished
good luck... life style creep can make you poor

This is fantastic practical advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneymortified · 20/09/2022 20:03

sortmylifeouseptember2023 · 20/09/2022 19:56

OP your DF loves you and you are getting married. This is a happy joyous time. It is good you have recognised that your spending needs some adjustment but please don't let it overshadow this truly happy event. In my marriage, we never separated finances but many of my friends do. Set up a standing order to pay DF back and let that be the end of it. Enjoy your big day and congratulations.

This made me cry, thank you so much ❤

OP posts:
2bazookas · 20/09/2022 20:03

You make it up by stop indulging yourself and save every penny to pay back your shortfall into the shared savings. Start keeping a diary of every penny you spend.

If you don't get a grip on this, your relationship is at stake. He's been poor, seen the result of big debt, and he won't want to go back there.

Original poster
moneymortified · 20/09/2022 20:04

All the advice I’m reading and taking on board, I need the good and the bad. Thank you. I need this to be my wake up call.

OP posts:
Namenic · 20/09/2022 20:04

OP - I think people are being a bit extreme. I think you should use this to make LONG-TERM changes to your attitude to money. Would you be able to sit down with your fiancé and show him your account and go through it with him? Perhaps make it a regular thing - like every 2 weeks review your statement for what you have spent on and adjust.

Some wins might be: 1) don’t buy clothes/shoes. The clothes you have in your cupboard will probably last you quite a long time (I still have clothes from 10years ago). 2) minimal make up (I don’t wear any, but if you must, go with budget options). 3) don’t go on nights out 4) don’t buy takeaway lunches/coffees - do 1 food shop and make sandwiches and coffee in a thermos.

Ihaveaquestionn · 20/09/2022 20:05

JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 19:21

You could cancel the service, and just have a registry office service. You’d save money that way.

Or, of course, just plough on, spending more of your partner’s money and starting off married life having shown him clearly where he comes in your priorities.

Either way works I suppose.

Show quote history

Jesus that’s a bit harsh!

Her partner has the money and I’m assuming she will pay him back… she sounds very concerned about it and like she’s learned her lesson.

she doesn’t need to cancel the bloody service

TeacupDrama · 20/09/2022 20:06

look up HANNAH LOUISE POSTON on you tube she used to spend too much on make up etc to the extent it messed with her finances you might find her helpful it is a USA site

Paulac77 · 20/09/2022 20:06

I was the same with money .. I’d get my wage, pay the bills then couldn’t really tell you where the rest went.
I now, have a note on my iPhone of my monthly outgoings and dates - I mean everything! My rent, fuel, food, gas, 1.99 on HPInk, 79p cloud data .. you name it. This also includes money to savings, then whatever is left I transfer to a monzo account - that’s my spends. When it’s gone, it’s gone 🤷‍♀️
Marking off when everything has come out keeps me aware of what’s going on in my account, and having the separate spend account keeps me within my limits.

caringcarer · 20/09/2022 20:11

OP, you fiance must feel so sad that you have prioritised new make up over your wedding with him. Stop and think about how he must feel. Then make sure you don't do it again. You are getting married and will be a partnership. That means one person not doing all the spending and relying on the partner to make up shortfall.

PantyMcPantFace · 20/09/2022 20:13

If your weakness is online treats - after having been insta-marketed at - then control that. Simpll accept online frivoulous purchases can only happen on a Thursday*. That is it.

So you want something. Fine. Pop it in the basket and wait until Thursday. Go back to the basket on Thursday....do you really want/need it? You may find a lot of them are less appealing a day or two later.

And YY to the Monzo. Work out your weekly or monthly "treat/luxury" budget and put it in a pot. Once it has gone, it had gone. Also, the sheer act of having to "withdraw" the money from the pot into your account makes you think....do I really need this?

*Other days of the week are available

carefullycourageous · 20/09/2022 20:13

moneymortified · 20/09/2022 19:15

@deedledeedledum sorry, I meant an account he could see and check on me on. Not an account he would put his money into.

This is not a good basis for a relationship at all. He needs to be able to trust you, not to check up on you. You need to be able to trust yourself.

IMO you need to understand why you are doing this.

I have been terrible with money - debt, over spending, frittering, 'forgetting'. I am now reformed (many years). But I had to understand why and I had to take responsibility myself.

I agree with some of the others - you sound a bad bet for marriage just now. I am not saying this to be a goady bastard - do you really want to marry (anyone or this person)? Because you are sabotaging your wedding to buy make up - that is not a great sign of commitment.

70billionthnamechange · 20/09/2022 20:15

@Ihaveaquestionn I know, it's all getting a bit dramatic on this one 😂😂

PinkArt · 20/09/2022 20:15

How do you make it up to him? You show him this is the last time this ever happens. And you keep showing him that.
You need to treat the spending like the addiction it sounds like. Before you think about spending any money on anything think, do I need this, will I use this but mainly is owning this more important that showing my fiancé that I have got a handle on this.
I'm a shopper, I get it. If I like something I'll buy it. But I'm a saver too, especially for something important to me, like the wedding presumably is to you both. Keep sight of the really important stuff so it doesn't feel like you're missing anything when you're actually gaining.

TimeAtTheBar · 20/09/2022 20:16

I feel like I’m reading a different thread.

He wants a big wedding. How much? If you’re short by £1500 is that 50%, 10% or 5%?

Was there any compromise? Big weddings are SUCH a waste of money and if I was having to massively curb my spending every month to afford it I wouldn’t be happy.

You haven’t gone into debt. You’ve just not achieved a savings goal. You’re obviously saving a lot as there is another pot to dip into.

This is such a non issue for me.

Lavender2021 · 20/09/2022 20:17

A guy I know at work who isn't great with money so it all gets paid to his wife then he gets his spending money! But it is a little bit like being treated like a child but works for them and he has no money worries.
His wife is the main earner.

carefullycourageous · 20/09/2022 20:18

Lavender2021 · 20/09/2022 20:17

A guy I know at work who isn't great with money so it all gets paid to his wife then he gets his spending money! But it is a little bit like being treated like a child but works for them and he has no money worries.
His wife is the main earner.

This is like controlling the symptoms, without curing the disease though, it will work but it isn't a real solution as no trust can build up.

Noteverybodylives · 20/09/2022 20:19

I’d seriously be reconsidering the marriage after this.

Not only are you silly with money but I’d also be thinking that you must not want to get married to do this.

Obviously apologise but words are cheap and actions are way more important- you need to remove things from the wedding, go without any luxuries to save up quicker and return anything you have brought recently and don’t need.

You need to show him that he means much more to you than material possessions.

Changingtides1234 · 20/09/2022 20:20

I wouldn’t usually comment and so many people have so mine will probably be lost.
I am exactly like you. The higher earner. I came from a poor family, so when I finally got money I spent it, fast. I was awful.

I did exactly what you did but worse 5000 I spent. On what?! Who knows.

anyways I upset my now husband (yes he still married me)
so I said this;
im rubbish and will continue to be rubbish at saving until it becomes my new normal. So when I got paid I put everything I could into his savings pot. Now some will completely disagree with this, that means they have a lot of power and could run off with your savings. But I’d been with hun 7 years and is too lazy to run anywhere so I trusted him. That’s how we saved for our wedding.

anyways it did become my new normal and eventually I stopped sending money. In fact I had a little one and managed to save for a house!

you will get there. If you trust your man, show him you’re aware of your mistake and perhaps send him the money on paydays until you’re married.

Jaade · 20/09/2022 20:21

Seems like a nothing issue.

you’re not in debt and keep up with all your bill payments and you’ve just had to pull money out of a joint savings account as you haven’t saved as much as you had targeted?

some of these comments making out youre a bad person or suggesting they would not go ahead with the wedding if they were your partner are ridiculous 😅

Puffalicious · 20/09/2022 20:26

OP, I'm so glad you're taking on board all this excellent advice. Martin Lewis weekly email is great- sign up for it.

If you go on to have children you'll be permanently skint for the first while, so it's good to get into good habits now (I'd be a millionaire if I didn't need to buy food for DH and 3 hungry, huge, rugby-playing boys!).

BettyB0Op · 20/09/2022 20:30

Get on vinted. Sell off anything you don’t want or need, show him you’re willing to make sacrifices!