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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the hamster

132 replies

OhMondayMonday · 20/09/2022 14:58

DS’s birthday coming up and he’s been asking for a kitten. We’ve said no for various reasons.

DH leaves all the birthday planning (parties, presents, cake etc) to me. Same for Xmas. I generally do it all without his input and he thanks me on the day. This morning he called from work and i mentioned DS was talking about kittens again and that i might pop out and get a hamster. I’d mentioned it a couple of times in recent weeks. He did not object, didn’t even comment. It was a quick chat. I have popped out, bought hamster and he is set up at home. Sent DH a picture.

DH has gone apoplectic. Has demanded I get rid of it before kids see it. Absolutely doesn’t want it in house. Furious I did not consult him. His explanation is he hates hamsters.

I have apologised saying i had no idea he felt like this and asked him to reconsider. I’ve let him know I can’t get rid of hamster today.

It’s very cute and we can give it a happy home. DH does not need to go near it. Kids love animals and are at the age where they can learn about taking responsibility etc…under my supervision. We can afford it so that’s not an issue. DS will have no present for his birthday tomorrow if DH insists hamster goes.

Aibu for insisting hamster stays?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 12:38

Final update.

I’ve just taken the gorgeous hamster back.

It was going to be hard to keep it hidden from the DC and I didn’t want to risk upsetting them, so I rejigged work plans today to return it. I’m gutted and blubbed my way through it. Felt so sorry for the little guy. But, he deserves to be in a home where he is roundly loved and allowed freedom to roam in runs etc…without the limitations I predict DH would try and enforce.

I haven’t had any opportunity to talk this through with DH yet but he’s not going to get away without explaining his extreme reaction and irrationally angry and rude response and what he’s going to do about addressing that. However, DS having a good birthday is the priority for now. I feel truly shit and am going to atone for this by making a donation to rspca.

OP posts:
thenotsoeviltwin · 21/09/2022 13:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. He looked a fab wee hamster, I'm sure your kids would have loved him!
Hope DS has a good birthday. FWIW if my DH acted like this, it would be a long time before he slept in my bed or got so much as a kiss from me. If at all.

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 13:17

And perhaps future pet purchases actually get express agreement from your DH rather than accepting a resounding silence as being on board before purchasing.

just an explicit “yes or no DH re my suggestion on getting XYZ animal?” should do the trick

IrisVersicolor · 21/09/2022 14:08

OhMondayMonday · 20/09/2022 22:54

I agree with the posters who suggest he’s terrified of it. I suspect this going by his extreme reaction which is out of character. I just wish he’d admit this if that’s the case. That said we’ve had mice infestations in the past and he hasn’t seemed freaked out by them.

Ive taken on board the comments about the cage size, thanks. I’ll bear this in mind regardless of outcomes. I did buy the biggest one they had on sale.

I’ve just been up and opened the cage to fiddle with the wheel as I wasn’t sure it was fixed on properly and he was all over me! A proper sociable little thing. All biz. So I’m now feeling more gutted.

If he’s not afraid of mice that then he’s not afraid of hamsters and he was just being an arse. You should have stood your ground.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/09/2022 14:28

OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 12:38

Final update.

I’ve just taken the gorgeous hamster back.

It was going to be hard to keep it hidden from the DC and I didn’t want to risk upsetting them, so I rejigged work plans today to return it. I’m gutted and blubbed my way through it. Felt so sorry for the little guy. But, he deserves to be in a home where he is roundly loved and allowed freedom to roam in runs etc…without the limitations I predict DH would try and enforce.

I haven’t had any opportunity to talk this through with DH yet but he’s not going to get away without explaining his extreme reaction and irrationally angry and rude response and what he’s going to do about addressing that. However, DS having a good birthday is the priority for now. I feel truly shit and am going to atone for this by making a donation to rspca.

What exactly does your DH need to explain? You brought an animal into the house on a whim without him agreeing to it. He doesn't need to tell you he's terrified of them or whatever, you don't bring an animal into your home without it being agreed with every member of the household.

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 14:29

IrisVersicolor · 21/09/2022 14:08

If he’s not afraid of mice that then he’s not afraid of hamsters and he was just being an arse. You should have stood your ground.

Show quote history

So if you’re not “afraid” of an animal - there is no reason why someone should not want a pet?

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 14:29

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/09/2022 14:28

What exactly does your DH need to explain? You brought an animal into the house on a whim without him agreeing to it. He doesn't need to tell you he's terrified of them or whatever, you don't bring an animal into your home without it being agreed with every member of the household.

Show quote history

I have been banging this drum from the outset!

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 14:30

His response was unpleasant but ultimately - the op should not have taken no comment to mean that represented support for her getting a family pet

Original poster
OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:06

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 13:17

And perhaps future pet purchases actually get express agreement from your DH rather than accepting a resounding silence as being on board before purchasing.

just an explicit “yes or no DH re my suggestion on getting XYZ animal?” should do the trick

Thank you Mary Poppins for that advice. I carry the mental load for our household and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he actually puts his listening ears on and pays attention to what I’m saying (the first or even the second time) without the need for me to check he has given me his express consent and frequently pause to clarify that I am not in fact joking.

And the ‘family pet’ would have been a tiny animal residing in child’s bedroom which DH would have rarely had to set eyes on. It’s not anywhere the same as taking on a cat, dog etc…which would share all our living space and impact daily life more significantly. A fucking hamster does not justify the fit he threw which you choose to minimise.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:11

@fdgdfgdfgdfg what does my DH need to explain?

He needs to explain why the purchase of the hamster sparked an angry vitriolic outburst towards his wife. I’ve admitted my part in this and apologised. He continued shouting last night that it had to go. Had zero civil words. Not a rational or reasonable response in any way. He did this in front of the children when he got home after sending me shouty texts during the day, yet failing to answer my calls. I remained calm last night as I wasn’t going to have an argument in front of the DC and also didn’t want them to pick up on the issue.

He needs to explain his shitty and disproportionate reaction.

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:15

OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:06

Thank you Mary Poppins for that advice. I carry the mental load for our household and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he actually puts his listening ears on and pays attention to what I’m saying (the first or even the second time) without the need for me to check he has given me his express consent and frequently pause to clarify that I am not in fact joking.

And the ‘family pet’ would have been a tiny animal residing in child’s bedroom which DH would have rarely had to set eyes on. It’s not anywhere the same as taking on a cat, dog etc…which would share all our living space and impact daily life more significantly. A fucking hamster does not justify the fit he threw which you choose to minimise.

Show quote history

I had one as a child

pretty much the most disappointing pet you can get. You dodged a bullet.

no it doesn’t justify the hissy fit. Not at all. You have bigger fish to fry than this op. Seems like a marriage in a pretty bad shape

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:18

Is there even the teeniest tiniest part of you that thinks you might have been hasty to get the hamster without him having ever actually commented on it?

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:18

Out of interest really!

Original poster
OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:19

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:15

I had one as a child

pretty much the most disappointing pet you can get. You dodged a bullet.

no it doesn’t justify the hissy fit. Not at all. You have bigger fish to fry than this op. Seems like a marriage in a pretty bad shape

Show quote history

I also had hamsters as a child. Always enjoyed them. Was willing to take the punt on one with DS as I was prepared to muck in and spend time with it.

And yep, marriage does not feel in great feel shape right now so you’re right, I have bigger fish to fry.

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:23

DH leaves all the birthday planning (parties, presents, cake etc) to me. Same for Xmas. I generally do it all without his input and he thanks me on the day.

sounds like it hasn’t been for sometime.

were You trying to prove to him that if he co to use to bugger all, you will take decisive action independently irrespective of waiting for his agreement?

i don’t blame you if you were to, and you can be honest here… none of us know you!

Original poster
OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:25

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:18

Is there even the teeniest tiniest part of you that thinks you might have been hasty to get the hamster without him having ever actually commented on it?

Yes, of course, I can see this now. I admitted early on that I had misjudged his response or lack of it. My main problem has been his v shitty reaction. He listened to my apology but absolutely refused to accept that he did not listen me properly and that his own lack of engagement contributed to the situation. Instead he shouted at me and told me he was too angry to talk. We could have discussed it like grown ups. When i very calmly and politely asked him if there was any chance of reconsidering his stance he went apoplectic.

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 15:27

He sounds like a twat.

as I say - bigger fish to fry

IrisVersicolor · 21/09/2022 15:38

Doingprettywellthanks · 21/09/2022 14:29

So if you’re not “afraid” of an animal - there is no reason why someone should not want a pet?

Show quote history

Depends on the size. Hamster yes, fish yes, dog no.

Sierra1961 · 21/09/2022 15:41

I’m sorry but how on Earth can anyone “hate” any animal, let alone a hamster? 😳

IrisVersicolor · 21/09/2022 15:41

OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:25

Yes, of course, I can see this now. I admitted early on that I had misjudged his response or lack of it. My main problem has been his v shitty reaction. He listened to my apology but absolutely refused to accept that he did not listen me properly and that his own lack of engagement contributed to the situation. Instead he shouted at me and told me he was too angry to talk. We could have discussed it like grown ups. When i very calmly and politely asked him if there was any chance of reconsidering his stance he went apoplectic.

Show quote history

You took it back, what more does he want.

If it were me I would be insisting he apologised to me a. For a way OTT reaction to a hamster and b. For shouting.

ricketybeauty · 21/09/2022 15:43

@OhMondayMonday 1. Your hamster is very cute. 2. Hate to ask but DH wouldn’t do anything awful to the hamster - set it free or something, would he?

10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 15:44

OhMondayMonday · 21/09/2022 15:25

Yes, of course, I can see this now. I admitted early on that I had misjudged his response or lack of it. My main problem has been his v shitty reaction. He listened to my apology but absolutely refused to accept that he did not listen me properly and that his own lack of engagement contributed to the situation. Instead he shouted at me and told me he was too angry to talk. We could have discussed it like grown ups. When i very calmly and politely asked him if there was any chance of reconsidering his stance he went apoplectic.

Show quote history

I think at this point I would keeping the hamster and getting of the husband.

BooseysMom · 21/09/2022 15:49

OhMondayMonday · 20/09/2022 16:07

Here he is, the offending little scamp. In process of setting up his home before anyone critiques his surroundings!

Omg how could you not love that op?! He's adorable!

And this...

Very demanding, “shouting” on text etc. It’s so extreme I found myself wondering does he have some hidden hamster trauma in his past that I’ve triggered!!

I did wonder the same when I read your post!

nocoolnamesleft · 21/09/2022 15:58

You got rid of the wrong mammal.

Mama1980 · 21/09/2022 16:05

Take the hamster back and ditch the husband. I'm not even kidding, how dare he speak to you like that!
I can understand him being unhappy, but just say so, discuss it and decide how to move forward - respectfully. Yelling, swearing at you etc is not ok.