AIBU about the hamster

[OhMondayMonday]

DS’s birthday coming up and he’s been asking for a kitten. We’ve said no for various reasons.

DH leaves all the birthday planning (parties, presents, cake etc) to me. Same for Xmas. I generally do it all without his input and he thanks me on the day. This morning he called from work and i mentioned DS was talking about kittens again and that i might pop out and get a hamster. I’d mentioned it a couple of times in recent weeks. He did not object, didn’t even comment. It was a quick chat. I have popped out, bought hamster and he is set up at home. Sent DH a picture.

DH has gone apoplectic. Has demanded I get rid of it before kids see it. Absolutely doesn’t want it in house. Furious I did not consult him. His explanation is he hates hamsters.

I have apologised saying i had no idea he felt like this and asked him to reconsider. I’ve let him know I can’t get rid of hamster today.

It’s very cute and we can give it a happy home. DH does not need to go near it. Kids love animals and are at the age where they can learn about taking responsibility etc…under my supervision. We can afford it so that’s not an issue. DS will have no present for his birthday tomorrow if DH insists hamster goes.

Aibu for insisting hamster stays?

Thanks all.

To answer a few comments…

DS understands why he can’t have a cat right now. He has accepted it. It’s a possibility in a couple of years hence hamster in between. I had hamsters growing up and loved them. I know DS and I think he (and his younger DB) will genuinely be interested.

Birthday is tomorrow and DH and I are both admittedly tits for leaving this so late. But we are close to town and I had a few other ideas for DS which I could have picked up today instead of the hamster.

DH and I are usually a pretty good team. Birthdays and Xmas aside he steps up and does his fair share of domestics and childcare. No major problems in marriage but his reaction today has unnerved me. Very demanding, “shouting” on text etc. It’s so extreme I found myself wondering does he have some hidden hamster trauma in his past that I’ve triggered!!

Im going to call him and explain hamster will be here overnight as I’m working until I collect kids and have no idea where he would go… Ill keep kids away from it until we can chat but that he needs to leave work early and buy a back up present for DS. I can hopefully talk him round later.

Why did you apologise? You mentioned it a couple of times & so it’s entirely his fault for not listening. I would tell him you now have the hamster & it’s staying. He’s had ample opportunity to refuse.

When you mentioned it, and you said he made “no comment”, did he literally say nothing? What did you then say to the resounding silence?

I asked him to explain his stance and he said he hated hamsters. I said I was sorry because I had no idea if that. So it was more to convey that I didn’t just go gung-ho on my own agenda and that if I’d known he actively hated tiny furry defencelsss creatures I wouldn’t have bought one.

He never bloody listens. He’ll be reminded of that later. Don’t want to get into a slagging match on text so avoiding saying too much u til he’s home, face to face.

We discussed several things on the call. He had a list of questions for me and I was interjecting with random stuff as it came up…birthday/kids pick up/work/dinner…so it wasn’t an actual tumbleweed silence. The conversation just flowed onto next topic and we both rushed off to get to work.

I know it’s a hamster not a dog/cat/big animal but you’re completely unreasonable to buy a living creature as a gift on the basis it sounds like you couldn’t think of an alternative. And without an actual proper conversation with your DH - it’s not the same as buying a Lego set without consulting him, it’s a responsibility for an animal with all the entails. You don’t just drop it into a conversation about what to have for dinner. And I’d say your big problem here now is what to do in the best interests of the tiny animal you just took responsibility for, not getting a backup present for your child.

Are you sure your DH heard you correctly on the phone, because I have to say if I heard my DH say he was “popping out to buy a hamster” I’d assume I’d misheard.

You should have got a trio of rats. Great pets for kids and adults clever and can be trained.

Wow - and you took that to mean it was ok to go and get a family pet?

I am with your DH although I think his response was ott

Here he is, the offending little scamp. In process of setting up his home before anyone critiques his surroundings!

@Doingprettywellthanks it wasn’t the first time the hamster was mentioned and I said “I think I will go and get a hamster for him…”

But I appreciate you don’t live inside my relationship or understand how my DH operates. Trust me, I could have hired a plane and flown a banner in front of his face last week and he’d still have asked me this morning…”what are doing for DS’s bday”…

What a deeply weird thing to say. When I was a child my dream pet would have been a dog or a cat. Still absolutely adored my rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters and gerbils though.

Like you say, you can teach your DS about researching an animal's needs and caring for it. You don't say how old he is and I'm guessing you will almost certainly need to supervise, remind, and do half the work for him - but provided you're OK with that, it should be fine. Your DH doesn't have to get involved.

If he has some sort rodent phobia, why on earth didn't he say anything when you first suggested it? He's being a twat. This is his problem for being so non-involved/uninterested in his kids' lives.

Your DH is being a dick but Hamsters are really great pets for children.
A vet friend once said “who the fuck thought a Bitey nocturnal escape artist that hates being touched and only lasts 2 years max was a great child’s pet?”

Hamsters are NOT really great pets for children.
Or the rest of my post makes no sense

Aw. It's a cute hamster! We had hamsters for a few years and they do need cleaning out every week, otherwise they smell. Other than that, they're pretty fun. Ours came out of the cage to run around our living room for a couple of hours every evening. They also enjoyed snuggles and adventures. One of them found a hold behind our fireplace that led down underneath the floorboards, but she always came back after a day or two (very dusty and covered in cobwebs).

Your DH should have listened.

You make a fair point and it’s probably the difference in my outlook and my DHs who sees it more from your pov. I am on board with caring for the hamster and we have another DC who is very keen on animals. I didn’t just decide this morning, DH knew before that it was a possibility. Granted, I now realise I should have been absolutely clear with on this. I’ve looked after lots of hamsters in my time. It will be v well cared for and loved.

What his beef? Hamsters are zero effort.

He is a handsome Hammy! LTB, KTH!

Hamsters are great pets, especially for a first pet. They can be very friendly and my kids love them. As for your DH , he sounds like a raging arsehole. Leaves all the stuff to you until he decides you should consult him first. Who does he think he is? Its not a dog, its in a cage and sits in a DC bedroom. He need never see it. He had an opportunity to say no when you spoke to him over the phone. He chose to not listen to you and that would have offended me more given he doesnt treat you with any respect or even listen to you when your speaking on the phone. Why your falling over yourself to apologise I really dont know...

Aw he is a lovely little chap. Perhaps your DH will listen more when you are telling him things in future.

*telling the DH things, not the hamster

Oh what a cutie! Hmmm….even though they’re small animals, I absolutely loved mine to bits. It was heartbreaking when they popped their paws and went to the big wheel in the sky. Having said that, I got my first hamster when I was 15, had a hamster a few years ago and was upset when he took his last shuffle in the wood shavings. Agree with other posters that hubby clearly wasn’t listening though. We can all be guilty of leaving things to the last minute. We’re not all Mary Poppins at home…….hope you can get things to a happy conclusion OP.

Hamster is so cute!

My DH also leaves presents to me and isn't overly interested in the detail of birthdays, but I do think a pet is different to a normal present, and I would want to discuss it properly before committing.

I’ve already bored the hamster to sleep with my ramblings 🤣. He sat in the front with me and we chatted the whole way home.

He has already been abandoned once - they didn’t sell him to me but asked for a donation to the charity. I’m pretty sure I will have to LTB DH before I let this chap go.

You are right and with hindsight this is where I went wrong.

But, DH is still having massive overreaction to the situation. I can’t see why we can’t both agree to recognise the mutual failings from here, agree hamster stays, learn from it and move on. I’m expecting him to come home and stick to his guns.

Yanbu

What is it with some men? DP tried to pull this shit on me about two gerbils. Just tell him no, you'd mentioned it, he didn't object, that's the end of it.

FWIW mr "im having nothing to do with them fucking t rex looking rats" now sings to them because for some unfathomable reason they seem to like the sound 🙄

Hammys are cool little first pets you just need to take it slow with them at first