To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

piegone · Today 13:59
@cawfeee
Can't imagine the 'no thank you, I don't want to' have many friends, or get invited out much really.
You are correct. I'm autistic, I don't surround myself with people, mainly because I don't understand this weird fucking 'lie to people' thing others do. If you don't want to do something you are allowed to say no without making up some pish story that both you and the other party know full well to be nonsense. I don't want invited out, like I said before I have spent years complying so it's greta to finally be free to say no thanks and if people stop inviting me to things because I don't want to go...well you know, that works for me.

Who's asking you to lie ? presumably there is a reason beyond 'dont want to' that makes you decline social invitations. How about expanding on them, so the other person isn't left thinking the worse when you reply 'don't want to'' . For e.g. I feel anxious at those kind of events, religion isn't my thing. No need to lie.

It's not normal response to a perfectly reasonable invitation to something.
What do you mean by 'reasonable' invitation? It's an invitation regardless, a choice, an option.

It's an invitation to a close family members christening, not an invitation to get boozed up in some dodgy nightclub with some work colleagues you hardly know. Do you really need me to explain the difference.

He shouldn't have been so blunt, imo. That's what makes it rude. If there's no reason he can't come, he should try to treat the different grandchildren the same way, even though your daughter will never know he wasn't there unless there's a group photo that she scrutinises.

Your husband doesn't want to discuss it, so it's time to stop speaking of it, but YANBU to think he's rude and to feel somewhat differently about him based on this. Use that knowledge to prepare yourself for odd, rather rude behaviour from him in the future.

I respect his honesty TBH, and I’d say don’t take it too personally. He sounds like a bit of an arse anyway, enjoy the day without him. And it gives you a green light to say the same to him when you next feel
like it!

cawfeee · Today 13:54
I have plenty of friends and invitations, thank you.
How wonderful that you manage to squeeze in so much time on here with that busy social life of yours.
I don't think I've interacted with you before?

Point proven I guess.

You're basically saying that its rude and offensive of him to have not lied to you.

That is such a British take, seriously. And all the support from MNers, who love the phrase "no is a complete sentence"? Mental.

I wish it was acceptable to say "no thank you, I don't want to come".

However, social convention dictates that I go to the trouble of coming up with a plausible lie to avoid hurting people's feelings. It's worse when people who know me well say "I know it's probably not your thing but I thought I'd ask anyway". No! Stop asking me anyway! You knew I wouldn't want to go, so your feelings are unchanged but now I feel guilty and anxious because I've turned down the invitation. Stop putting that shit on me.

Sorry, that was a tangent Basically your FIL was rude but I get why he said it. People are less likely to try to wheedle you into going if you just say you don't want to.

@mumofbe your poor OH, he probably knows what a shit dad he has and feels embarrassed by it, but doesn’t want to challenge him on it. The fact is it’s his dad’s loss, it was his dad’s loss when he was a terrible dad, and it will be his loss now he’s an inconsistent grandad. He sounds like a brat, but it’s really not your OHs fault, he knows more than most how hurtful his father’s behaviour is. I feel like you’re right to want to give him a big hug, it’s wonderful that he’s managed to avoid being like his father, but it probably makes it all the more painful knowing if FiL had just made a bit of an effort he would have been a happier more secure child most likely.

Objectively it is weird that it’s more socially acceptable to lie than to just say you don’t want to go but that’s the society we live in.

Also I wonder if he’d respond well to someone else being so blunt with him. A lot of people who are so blunt can’t take it themselves.

Rude but better than ignoring everyone and looking as dull as ditch water

Your husband is right that he probably has his reasons, and since you don't know what they are you can't judge him for them.

You'll feel a bit awkward if it turns out that the reason he has for not wanting to come to a church service at the moment is that he has prostate cancer and is embarrassed about not being able to sit through an occasion of any length without having to nip off to the loo repeatedly.

(Most men are unwilling to discuss prostate cancer; some in fact would literally rather die than discuss it, even with a doctor.)

yes he was rude but I admire his honesty. I wouldn't want to go either. Christening and weddings are just not a place I want to be. P would prefer his bluntness rather than a load of lies and excuses.

Yes its rude but its also refreshingly honest and I admire him for it! I wish I could be that blunt as I attend far too many family events that I would rather not (nothing to do with the people, its more the church ceremonies and then the crowds of people and eating food I dont like etc).

You're basically saying that its rude and offensive of him to have not lied to you

Its not about lying or not lying. He doesn't have to lie, he could have just turned up. He could have just taken a couple of hours out of his day to be there for his family, to support his son, to be on family photos so that when the OPs ds asks where his grandad was he doesn't have to be told that he couldn't be fucked turning up. There's lots of things that we do for people we love that we may prefer not to and vice versa. Imagine what a shit, horrible world it would be if we all just did whatever the fuck we wanted without a single care or thought for another human being, especially when those human beings are your own children. I honestly don't know anyone that wouldn't make a bit of an effort for their child or grandchild, thank god. I wouldn't want a person like that in my life.

I was ready to say 'a bit entitled and presumptuous of you OP!!!; BUT as I read on, and saw your FIL doesn't want to go to your second child's Christening, I am on your side @mumofbe Very odd behaviour. If he insists, I would never be inviting him to anything again. Your DH not being on your side here, and not calling him out for behaving like this is shocking tbh. Your DH needs to have a word with himself.

Could it be that your FIL is sexist? Not interested in girls/grandaughters? Some men are weird like that.

I am autistic and I would turn down an invitation with "Thanks so much for inviting me but I can't make it, sorry. Hope you all have a great time!" Because I know it's the convention to not be blunt and express your real feelings if that would be poorly received. So I don't really think FIL's response is appropriate.

However this FIL was deeply uninterested (not disinterested, that means unbiased) in his own offspring and whether it was related to depression or not, that's still going to hurt his son. So it's no big surprise that he's not bothered about his GC's christenings either. Most people who go to these enjoy the socialising aspect of it rather than the service and if you didn't enjoy the socialising it's unlikely you'd be keen to go. If that was me, I'd still trot out the "I can't make it sorry" rather than "I don't want to go", that's quite unnecessary imo.

I think I'd just quietly accept his response and get on with enjoying the event without him. Better than his being there grudgingly...

HE didn't want to go. What's another MN line..."it's an invitation, not a summons". Add that to "no is a complete sentence" and really it seems FIL is a perfect Mumsnetter, no?

HE didn't want to go. What's another MN line..."it's an invitation, not a summons". Add that to "no is a complete sentence" and really it seems FIL is a perfect Mumsnetter, no?

Thankfully I don't live my life by mumsnet sentences. Hilarious that people would though 🤣

Good for him.

Life is too short to be bored shitless by other peoples small talk.

I wouldn't lie either and just be honest.

Ah, so all the people who say it would never dream of saying such things themselves?
Interesting take.

Ah, so all the people who say it would never dream of saying such things themselves?
Interesting take
You realise Mumsnet isnt just one person right? That there are many people that have never used those sayings and never would? That just because you use Mumsnet doesn't mean you trope out bullshit catchphrases? Very odd.

I'm surprised that hardly anyone has picked up on the point about depression.

Perhaps he IS just rude (although I quite like the idea that we could be honest about not wanting to do things). Perhaps he WAS just a rubbish dad. Or perhaps he's been struggling with crippling depression all his life, which has got in the way of his relationships, and he's suffering a bout of depression now that makes it hard for him to take part, but he doesn't want to say so?

None of us can possibly know whether he was a rubbish dad because of the depression or because he just didn't care, but it seems odd to discount the former because of this particular event, which might just as easily confirm it, especially since he came to an earlier christening.

Lucky you, OP, coming from a very loving family. Even luckier if you've never suffered from poor mental health. It's understandable that this feels hurtful but maybe, from that position of privilege, give him the benefit of the doubt?

Massively rude. The polite thing to do is suck it up and go. The less-polite-but-still-acceptable second option is to make up an excuse not to go.

He’s just basically said ‘I don’t give a shit about you, or your baby daughter, or my son, or my wife and my wants come before all of you’. So, yeah, pretty rude and offensive.

I respect it tbh.

If he doesn’t like these kind of events it’s better to say it because then people know and won’t keep inviting him in future.

I don’t like having to lie either (and I’m not autistic or socially awkward - I just dislike lying).

Then they had to cheek to question why we weren't gong to next child's christening

petty as i am i don't pull this kind of stunt. Someone doesn't want to come to an event I'm hosting? fine. More food for me /space for someone else / less expense for me or whatever.

If they have an event i want to go to, and I'm invited, fine. If they invite me and i don't want to? i turn it down. Hearing the word "no" isn't actual violence. It can be done in a polite way (what actually happened here, OP? did MIL just say "I'll be coming but FIL won't he doesn't want to"? fine by me, He sounds like a bit of a carmugeon.)

If people learned how to say "no, that doesn't suit my plans" or "no, i don't want to" or "thank you, no" then we wouldn't have dozens of (admittedly sometimes hugely entertaining) threads about how, for eg, to turn down a neighbour who is assuming they'll drive their child to school every day.

One pp mentioned about when did it become all about people not attending other people's events? Frankly? given the antipathy to weddings on here, i think it would be a blessed relief for a lot of people if invitations weren't sent out in a scatter-gun style, and more people heard the word "no" a bit more often.

Really? And I though MN was one person! You can tell by the way my post says "all the people who say it" because all the people implies singular, not many.

🙄