School is awful!

[anerki101]

DS has just started his second week in reception. It'd bloody awful, miserable and I hate every moment of it.

Firstly, getting up early is just dreadful. I'm not a morning person. I can set various different alarms, with different tones on different devices and I don't hear a single one. I have to rely on poor DH to wake me up. Sometimes I don't hear him and he has to flick me with water.

Before I had DS I had this problem with working FT too. The drudge of waking up at an ungodly hour five days a week. Spending all day in an environment you'd rather not be in with people you'd rather not be with. I'm terrible with routine and having commitments.

Then there's navigating the school run which is the worst kind of torture and you have to do it twice a day. Getting there early enough to find somewhere within walking distance to park or end up trudging miles in the pissing rain. All the parents seem to know each other already and stand around chatting in cliques.

DS is incredibly shy and struggle socially. He seems to get overlooked, forgotten and ignored. I worry dreadfully about him. He doesn't know how to interact with the other children. I fear he's going to get lost in the system both socially and educationally. He didn't eat his Yoghurt one day at school because he couldn't open it. My fault for sending something he couldn't open but I felt terrible he wasn't confident enough to ask one of the lunch time supervisors for help.

I can't help but feel it's wrong as a society that we inflict this on our four year old children. Dragging them out of bed when it's still dark, ignoring their natural body clock, shoving a slice of toast down their throats and sending them off into an unfamiliar environment five days a week. DS has only just turned four and can't yet wipe his own bum. I dread him doing a poo at school and prey that he at least does it towards the end of the day so he doesn't have to spend long covered in his own shit. He still has to be reminded to drink and every day so far he's come home with his water bottle still full to the rim.

It feels so wrong to send a just turned four year old into an environment where he has no help with wiping his bum and no encouragement to drink.

Before anyone starts, I don't for one minute blame the school or DS' teachers. They are brilliant. My issue is with the system itself. The society that requires us to send our children into this environment.

Yes, I know I don't have to. I could homeschool. But it's not that easy is it. Society isn't set up for parents to home school. Mostly, both parents need to work outside the home full time just to keep a roof over their heads.

Nursery was a far better environment. Ds went 15 hours a week. Enough for him to spend time with people outside rhe immediate family and enough for me to have a bit of time to get things done without him in tow. We could choose the hours best suited to us and what worked best for DS. Drinking wasn't an issue. He had help when using the toilet.

I know there was the option to defer school for a year and keep him in nursery for another year but we simply couldn't afford to do this. Also, DS was ready for school in an educational sense just not in an emotional and social sense.

The house feels empty without him too. I feel his absence in the silence.

Just musing really. It's nice to get my thoughts out.

Every day I pick him up from school he isn't himself. He's tired and emotional and has a tantrum over something minor before we've even walked through the front door. It's like he's holding himself in all day and letting it out when he's back with me.

He didn't even manage the first week at school, he caught covid on day four!

See a doctor about the sleep issues.
Teach him to wipe, practice fine motor skills like zips or poppers for coat/yogurt pot/opening food containers etc.
Speak to school about getting a "my plan" in place as he clearly needs some extra support and they may not have noticed this early into term if nursery didn't pass on concerns.

I’d start going to bed much earlier . Much earlier. I get up at 6 am for the school run (mine start at 8) and I have to be in bed by 9.30 pm otherwise I know it will be hard to get up, esp when it gets dark.
also, earlier bed time for your son. It sounds like he’s tired after the school day (which is normal - it’s exhausting for them) so be really strict on bedtime - gradually you will get used to the routine of it

I think you need to reframe your mindset. Everything in your post is needlessly negative. Getting up in the morning is a fairly standard part of life for example. Many children are absolutely chomping at the bit to start school.
Even though you're finding it hard, which is absolutely valid, you feel how you feel, your life isn't objectively hard. One child, 2 parents, part time work. Don't have another! (Not that you suggest you are, but life gets a billion times harder so I wouldn't recommend it)

I was thinking this too. Bumping this post for the op!

Not having another!! Nope. Nope. Nope. It's too much for me to cope with.

Yes @MsChatterbox @amijustparanoidorjuststoned I am gently trying to suggest the same in my reply.

I wouldn't be impressed if I was your dh that's not a ungodly hour..my dh gets up at 4.30 every day for work thats an ungodly hour does he like no but its part and parcel of being an adult. I get up do the school run come back walk the dog then go to work on the afternoon into the evening. Many people work back to back. At a push you can always go back to bed.

I think I might be. Have suspected for a long time. Worried my son might be too. He's so much like me. But never been assessed. Either of us. DH also thinks I am and that DS might be too, so definitely not in my head!

I was going to question possible neurodiversity too. I have adhd/autism and struggle with a lot of the things you do too.

I also second this. I wanted to say it, but couldn't think how to gently word it!

I do feel for DH. He is wonderful. He makes sure I get up. Cooks the dinner when I can't. Keeps the household running when I can't. And works FT. He's honestly a rock.

OP have you tried a wearable alarm? If you sleep through sounds. I take medication that is known to make it difficult to wake so I do understand. I tend to hit my alarm way too many times. I get up at 7.30am which is late for many but we don’t have to leave for school until 8.20am so plenty of time. I also don’t usually go to sleep before 1am.

school is a big shock to the system, I’m known to warn people about how much hard work it is to have kids in school as I always thought it would be easier but there is so much to do.

I do think you need to work on making sure he drinks and can wipe his own bum though, even if you need to work in a reminder system for him (like a sticker or bracelet or something to remind him to drink). And just practice for bum wiping, I didn’t help mine with that past 2, was part of potty training and they seem none the worse for it.

It would really be in your DC's benefit for you to have them assessed OP. So please do get the ball rolling on that asap, as waiting times are crazy. If your GP refers your son they will then be on 'the autism pathway' until they are assessed (and either diagnosed or not). Just being on 'the pathway' can help with gaining extra support for them in school. There is no harm in being referred. The worst that can happen is you receive an explanation for why your child is the way they are, your child will still be exactly the same as they always have been.

Autistic children often need an Education, Health and Care Plan from the local authority, detailing how they learn best, and ways to support them. Your school's SENCO may be in touch to suggest this in the future, so it might be an idea to research what they are, and the kinds of things they contain, so it doesn't feel like a bolt from the blue.

@anerki101 have you spoken to his teacher about these concerns? I’m a reception teacher and some of our children have been going home with a full bottle each day, that’s because they have free access to water and milk from a jug which their parents didn’t know about. In terms of wiping bottoms again, we will help/do it for them as we teach them how to do it themselves in Autumn but would want you to be doing this at home too.

You need to put on your big girl pants!!
You are not helping your son with all this 'Woa is me, life is so hard/noisy/early alarms etc.'
You just need to get on with it & equip him for the world he is going to have to live in!

Hello, just on a practical note - if you're very organised the night before - you say you're organised - I think you could get up a bit later. My dcs need to leave the house for school at 8 every morning and due to having everything ready - breakfast table set, clothes out, showering in the evenings etc - we don't need to get up until 7:30. Maybe that extra time in bed would be helpful.
I agree that just turned 4 is very young to start school and it's a shame it's not more like Ireland (children can start school between the age of 4 (some schools specify 4 and a half) up to the age of 6. I hope things improve, it's early days and you'll both probably be tired up to half term but hopefully you'll get into the swing of things. Oh - and teach your dc to clean his bum!

I know a few people who have issues with getting up in the same way you describe and they all (coincidently or otherwise) have ADHD.
You are making a mountain out of normal life, but this is understandable when you're struggling - I just mean that nothing you describe is all that bad or hard, so I've no idea why people are jumping to say you should home Ed etc. IF it did turn out your ds is neurodiverse in some way being at school might highlight that and help lead to a diagnosis.
But he wouldn't be the first kid who struggled at the start of school - if he is struggling, I think perhaps it's his mum who is struggling more.

If he still needs help wiping his bum he should probably of been held back until next year to start. My DC has dyspraxia so things like bum wiping took longer then average for him so I know some kids take longer then others to master it.
Is it you or your DS is getting overwhelmed with the noise of the drop off? Is there sensory issues here making it difficult. If there is maybe adjustments are needed. Your DC will get used to the days being longer then nursery. Not having a drink isn’t end of world make sure he is hydrated in the morning and afternoon after school. Is he able to manage his water bottle? I am a big believer in the local school because I think it normally works out better for the kids but in this case I can definitely agree some kids get on better in a smaller school. Even the shy kids make friends in school. You child is still very young and will gain confidence and become more independent.
I am dreadful in the morning so do everything possible the night before, all so I can stay in bed for a long as possible. 30-45 mins is enough to sort breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth and help your DS with tasks he still needs help with. If we get up too early then we find we are too slow with getting stuff done.

Get an alarm that vibrates. You put it under your pillow.

I feel your morning struggles. It’s not about routine, it’s an inbuilt, hormonally controlled body clock. Noone goes around saying morning people should train themselves to stay awake later and then say an adult shouldn’t fall asleep watching tv. It’s not a bloody character failing! Neither is the reverse.

My DD has melatonin prescribed for her by her paediatrician. It means she goes to sleep around 9, and wakes and gets herself up around 7. Without it, she is awake until midnight, despite being in bed for hours, and will not wake up until 11 at the earliest. She has been like it from birth. It is likely she has delayed sleep phase disorder, but there is no paediatric sleep service in our area to diagnose it. My dad is the same and works nights, I am similar, and self employed. It’s not a work ethic thing, it’s a hormone level.

I’d recommend melatonin to help your mornings, if you haven’t tried it. I used to buy it from Amazon before we had it prescribed. It doesn’t help me sleep - I sleep fine - it helps me wake up. It does seem to help DD sleep, but there’s no way to know whether it’s earlier sleep or the melatonin that helps her wake up.

You are not being unreasonable complaining that the system doesn’t work for you. It’s based on ‘most’ people. There are alternatives if you can fund them and prioritise them. School is a bit of a double edged sword for us. She needs the social side, I need the child-feee time. We both struggle to get into our groove with it, and BAM! Half term, it all goes to pot and we have to start all over again.

I’m not internet diagnosing, but we are both undergoing assessment for ADHD. Your dislike of mundane routine annoyances (which I completely understand. The school run in the car was a flaming corridor of Hades for me. I didn’t mind walking or taking her to the bus, at all, though) and sleep difficulties do sound like it’s a possibility worth investigating.

Then it would totally make sense that you are struggling with the routine changes and the overwhelming-ness that comes with it. ☕

For PP saying "this sounds more about you than it does him" - no it doesn't - the OP says her son is struggling socially and is too shy to ask for help with a yogurt pot.

You say he was in nursery from 9 months - do you feel this helped his social skills at all or do you not feel it has made a difference? it would be worth speaking to the teachers to raise your thoughts on the matter, they should be able to cater for his needs a little better and refer you to the right services. But ultimately, if he is really struggling and hates it, then homeschooling is always another option. I know it's not the ideal, obviously.

And stop sitting in the car until they've gone in, he is missing out on the chance to learn to socialise with his classmates.
sorry about the covid, that was bad luck. Least it's done now!

So much ADHD going on here OP!!!

OP I am sympathetic
I am a late person and do my best to plan working life, and other life, around it.

I don't have kids but wince when I walk past a school. The Tube in rush hour was the equivalent for me. Everyone told me I'd get used to it.
Just because you're used to something doesn't stop it from being damaging. Eventually I had to limit my career choices to accommodate that.

I'm just wondering 1) what's the studying and 2) can you keep him out of school for a while, maybe home school through primary?

So much of what we go through as children is to fit us for a horrible noisy world when we are adults and even then it might not work. I know an Oxford grad who was home schooled till teen years, I know another mum who joined up with other people home schooling.

Re the studying, sometimes people post here saying they can't cope and then it turns out they are studying for fun! Just thought I'd ask.

The brick in the wall thing is hard, I just wonder sometimes how many people are doing it when they might have an alternative.

the last time I got up at 6 was to take mum for an operation. It's vanishingly rare for me to be up then, that's earlier than the crack of dawn to me.

of course I have got up for work at that time in the past but I needed two alarms. Can't sleep much when there's a horribly early start though.

The lives we lead aren’t natural and schools are there to produce workers. Cogs in the capitalist machine to create wealth for those at the top. I see everyone rolling their eyes but this is a fact, unfortunately.

As a neurodiverse person, it tends to be more difficult to fit in with the system and it’s perhaps more obvious that it’s wrong. To most, it’s normal, unquestioned and they ‘get on with it’ and insist that everyone does the same. It’s difficult to tread a different path though and go against the majority.

I think you’ll be fine hime educating…ignore the person who says you won’t be able to because you get up late. Your son also gets up late and at this age, you don’t have to do very much…they’re only doing a bit of reading and counting and the rest is play. You can give him far better experiences than a school can and there are usually groups so that home educated kids can socialise.

Take good care of yourself and get as much sleep as you can and stick with your plan to stick at one child. Don’t beat yourself up for not keeping pace with everyone else.