To think being a single parent makes some things almost impossible?

The increasing lack of empathy on MN witnessed over the years is seriously fucking depressing.

Brilliant post. Fully agree ❤️

Do people actually think before they start typing. From their bloody villages.

😂

Yes!!

I totally agree- there's a lack of empathy and decency and also lots of angry people who want to come on threads and be really aggressive/ bossy/ put words in peoples mouths/tell people off
It's depressing

I have loved mumsnet- it has been my 'village' through periods of loneliness/ despair but also it has become a virtual staffroom for me as at my work, the social aspect hasn't really recovered post Covid so it's been a good place to just chat . I hate it when threads go like this.

This. I do favours I don’t want to do, and that I can’t really ‘afford’ in terms of mental energy because you never know when you will need something like this. I’m widowed, my parents live abroad, socialising is not actually possible when you can’t leave your child in the first place. The difference between a little support, and none at all is huge. I worry most about something happening to me. There is no one to step in and care for my child if I were hospitalised or even mildly incapacitated with a broken leg or something. Now, my kid is 12 and we’d be OK short term, but when she was younger it was one of those awful background worried that never went away.

I hope you are home now, OP!

I am not a single parent but we don't have anyone who can look after our disabled son apart from us and he needs 2:1 care from people who know what they are doing. Even social care said they would struggle to find anyone/two. Those who say everyone can find a ' village' have no idea.

Agree

I've literally been there OP and it was one of the saddest times in my single parent journey. For various reasons I couldn't make contact with my parents and at that time the children's father was trying to show his girlfriend how important she was so he refused to come and meet me to collect the other child as he felt it wouldn't be worth it...
I got a taxi back with no car seats and had to stop at a cash machine to pay. I felt so, so lonely.
I'm absolutely aghast at the suggestions of building a village and that you might be a scammer. Some people have no idea!
Best wishes OP. The bond you are building with your children during these times will be extra strong and long lasting.

And the 'village' thing is so hard to define - when it works, it seems easy. But it's one of those subtle things that depends on dynamics & relationships.

Where I live, mums might say blithely 'let me know if you ever need anything', and they meant it in that moment. But in fact, the kind of help I needed, I couldn't have asked. Their lives were so different to mine, they just couldn't comprehend.

I fully appreciate that it does exist for some but not everyone. And it can't be manufactured just due to determination. It really requires some sense of equivalence & parity - ie being able to reciprocate but also it being something the other person needs reciprocated! Many families I knew had no need of the return favour as they had au pairs, family support etc.

@Faithin

I hope you got home ok, and things feel a little better this morning 💐

Just because someone knows some single parents, it doesn't make them an expert on what it's like for them and difficulties they might face, especially if they have kids with SEN or unsupportive parents. So don't use them to dismiss the op's difficulties

I was one of those sceptical parents who laughed the first time DC’s specialist nurse tried this. To my amazement it worked!

It is! It really, really is! I had no idea so many people had so little empathy till I came on Mumsnet. They are some wonderful, attuned, insightful, wise and marvelously empathetic women on here. But also a depressing number who seem completely unable to understand that not every one else is the world is a clone of them, living their life.

Very hard to “build a village” for a single parent whose child has SEN especially.

People are surprisingly reluctant to be made into a “village” for someone who actually needs it. More than happy to be the village for ND two parent families, especially if all parties are better off.

This is not from personal experience (single parent but at least exh is on the scene and can pay a babysitter when needed). So not being bitter. Just from observation of others’ situations.

I totally see you - I’ve been in v similar situations as an SP myself and it is the case that you really are on your own. I could have rung up a dozen friends and even if they had picked up, not one would have been willing/in a position to drop everything, leave their own kids and travel across the city to help me in the middle of the night. It is only family you can ask in these situations and that is not an option for lots of us.

Having said that - and I know it’s not much use to you at the moment - it is amazing where help does sometimes come from when you least expect it. I often find randoms or near randoms are much more unconditionally kind than one’s friends. I will never forget a friend of a friend who looked after my toddler for a whole day when I was really really sick in bed - unable to get up and change nappies or prepare food. As an SP I have become much more shameless better at accepting even the sniff of help.

No it doesn't??? How would she get money from someone here to pay for a taxi? She said cash and that's correct a lot of taxis only take cash so unless you're in the waiting room with her this isn't the point of her post

She is lonely and stressed and struggling

I really feel for you OP it is so hard to make friends , you can't rush the relationship.

Have you recently moved?

Sometimes i wish i coud make a clone of myself and be two places at once , might even marry her lol
I do understand how you feel tbh its lonely out here

Villages really only work when its a tight knit community that youre born into lol like every had their kids at the same time, thebkids all go to the same school and grow up together, all the mums are friends and dads go to pub together and weve all got spare keys to eachothers house and stuff lol thats the only real way that you can actually know and trust someone ..

I find that if you try to build a support network from scratch it takes alot of blind faith and alot of prayers that the person is not a psycho
People wear masks and can do for years, so some people might be ok leaving their child with new neighbor sally who they just met a month ago but thats not me
Especially when my autistic child cant really talk or express herself
I rarely leave her alone
School is different because there are multiple adults that are walking around..
I was abused as a child so it may taint my view ..

Bloody hell that sounds hard. How are you doing OP?

As I get older I'm less and less convinced that you can intentionally seek out new friendships at the best of times let alone the kind of friends you might need to drop everything and come help you at 3am.

My child has SEN and I’m a single parent. I managed to build a village. If the whole of the village couldn’t bear a full day out with my child they certainly could meet me over a cup of coffee, even if it was on the phone sometimes, for a regular chat. It was me who needed the company and support the most, my child was getting a good dose of that at school.

I don’t know what I would have done without the help, support and advice of other mums that were in the same boat. I didn’t have time, I didn’t have childcare and not a single relative in the country but even so, it was possible.

And yes, mumsnet saved my sanity over many long nights for years on end. It is still my village, you can get build friendships in here that go well beyond your phone screen.

Why is it surprising though ?
Essentially the SP is in this situation because there is an absent parent, for whatever reason.
Is it really realistic to expect others to step into that role?
I had a friend who wasnt a single parent but her DH took zero part in raising their DC,it started off with small favours until I was essentially setting myself on fire to keep her warm, leaving my DC, being called at work.

Relationships are complex and " you be my village" with no reprocity is strange and codependent.

I have two kids with SEN, a good and properly-functioning husband and wonderful PIL and find life nearly impossible at times.

How a single parent copes at certain times is beyond me and I have nothing but respect, sympathy and awe at the way they keep going in the face of sometimes insurmountable shit.

Reciprocity