To think being a single parent makes some things almost impossible?

[Faithin]

Have had to take my youngest to a&e, which means I've had to take my eldest (9 years old) along too because there is no one to watch him
It's now 2am and we've been here for 5 hours and we are on the edge of a massive meltdown happening and there's literally nothing at all I can do, no one I can call to come and get him or to help so I just have to let it happen basically.
I don't know why I'm even going to do if he kicks off on the middle of the a&e childrens waiting room.
No real point to this post but I am just really stuck and sick of being in situations where I am stuck, just venting really

[kateandme]

@WindyKnickers

MN: Get a village

MN: is my friend a CF for asking me to look after her 9 yo all night and pick her up from A&E at 3am?

I get it OP. My kids father lives locally and at times like these we work well together but the number of times I've had to say no to something because there is just one of me breaks my heart.

I think that would be case of a pile on "just because" thread.
I really would like to think of do this for my friends.i might moan,I'm human who loves her bed!but id always do it. Everytime.

[crochetmonkey74]

@WhatNoRaisins

It always gets me how on threads like this people endlessly talk about getting a village when there are so many posts on this site about how hard it is to make friends as an adult or how you don't need friends when you have a husband or how all your free time should be "family time".

Are we really surprised why so many people can't find a village when only giving a shit about your husband and kids is so normalised?

Yes look on all the other threads when people on here say they don't even look at WhatsApp more than once a week as they are so busy and people are unreasonable to expect a reply. But then next thread- just get a village 🙄

[Triker]

Sounds bad but perhaps if he does have a meltdown you'll be seen quicker, you could pre warn them at reception that its going to happen, that might speed things up.

[GetThatHelmetOn]

I have been where you are and it was very difficult, feeling unwell myself but unable to leave DS bed side at hospital as he was unwell himself.

The only thing I can say at this time is it will pass, this is will be one of the lowest points but you will go through it.

Once you are feeling better and more rested… you need to start building a network of support around you. I have no family around, and most of my friends come and go as I am pretty much part of an expat community, but you need a village to raise a child, even online friends here or old friends can keep you company and strong during this journey. I have found the friendship of other mums raising children alone absolutely priceless, they get me but also, are very good at finding the time to talk as they are as busy as me, so they do not get overwhelmed at the thought of doing more than two things on a day.

[SaySomethingMan]

Hope you’re ok, OP and your DC is sorted.
I understand how having a child with SEN reduces your potential pool for a village.
Hopefully, you’re all back at home and getting some rest.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@HighlandPony

You need a village. Friends, siblings, cousins, second cousins, neighbours etc.

I’m not a single parent but I’m holding the fort alone at least 85% of the time. Without my village (and we all do live in the villages-literally) I’d be stuffed and so would they. not helpful tonight but you need to get yourself some support

One of the most annoying posts I've seen here.

I'm also a single parent (3 DC). Easier since they've got older but at 2, 4 & 6 it was so hard as like OP, none could be left alone.

I don't live in a village. I do know plenty of parents, I don't have a friendship circle, plenty of acquaintances & work colleagues, people I'd have coffee with etc. Not people I'd ask for favours with my DC. I live in a fairly affluent very MC area & most parents I knew could not understand my situation (very few separated / divorced couples, and even fewer without family support nearby); I couldn't call on them in situations like this.

Funnily, I can more easily ask for lifts and so on now, as I can reciprocate so it's a whole different dynamic.

OP, I really feel for you & I get it (although I'd no SEN issues) but having to bring kids along & deal with their needs as well as sick DC, it's so hard.

I hope you've been seen & DC ok 💐

[Igmum]

Hope you're well and sending love . I'm a single parent to a SEN child and sadly posters here really don't realise that the challenges restrict your village. The friends, the parties, the sleepovers that your NT children go to are often closed to SEN children. It's tough and there isn't any respite. Good luck

[EarringsandLipstick]

Horrible posts from you.

[Annoyingnamechangerperson]

I have a child with SEN who regularly gets food stuck op and he's had to have 2x operations previously to remove so you are absolutely in the right place going to a&e

If you're still there (hopefully not and you've made it home) some a&e's have cash points in the main waiting area which is usually separate to a&e so it would be worth asking the staff if there is one. Otherwise you could ask the taxi when you get in if they take cards and if not ask them to drive past a cash point on the way to your house so you can get the money out to pay them.

[EarringsandLipstick]

I happen to live in a place where virtually everybody has parents around and simply doesn't get what it is not to have that. The people who don't seem to have au pairs. So they don't get it really either.

Exactly the same where I am.

Another single mother I know is lovely but our lives are so different - she is part of a big family living locally, she is very well-off & her ex is very involved with DC. I marvelled recently when she said that while DC was with her father on hols, she had a little break in Portugal - it's how it should be, but I've had no time away from my DC in a decade & it seemed like a magical concept!

[medianewbie]

Op, I posted upthread in an attempt to redress the balance of of (imo) unkind replies. I posted at silly o clock as I've been wide awake all night worrying about my ASD kid whose current crisis as a single parent falls to me to deal with again (not the other parent or the non existant 'village'). I got wise words & the comfort of companionship in the wee small hours. Then MN deleted the thread (I'm sure they had their reasons but bang went that tiny temp 'village')
'Find your village' is a trite remark trotted out by the fortunate to the less so.

I hop you are all home safely now x

[EarringsandLipstick]

@foxy123

The issue with 'building a village' as a single parent is then the village start expecting favours back. When you're already on your knees and only asking for help because you're desperate, the last thing you need is to have more added to your plate.

That's so true.

And even if they don't 'expect' it, the natural human reaction is to want to reciprocate & when you can't, you feel you can't ask for favours again. If you have a core friendship it's easier but as an utterly exhausted working single parent of 3 v small kids, there was no time for that either!

[EarringsandLipstick]

@medianewbie

Op, I posted upthread in an attempt to redress the balance of of (imo) unkind replies. I posted at silly o clock as I've been wide awake all night worrying about my ASD kid whose current crisis as a single parent falls to me to deal with again (not the other parent or the non existant 'village'). I got wise words & the comfort of companionship in the wee small hours. Then MN deleted the thread (I'm sure they had their reasons but bang went that tiny temp 'village')
'Find your village' is a trite remark trotted out by the fortunate to the less so.

I hop you are all home safely now x

Sorry to hear that & hope you are ok this morning 💐

[Zippedydoo123]

I was a single parent and had no *village'. Easier said than done. Ex was 100 miles away and no family support. I did all the schoolruns on my own all ds 's upbringing.

I worked at home so that made it a bit easier.

[sunglassesonthetable]

Sounds like you shouldnt be in the emergency room at all tbh.

And you NEED to get people in your village. I hate that expression.

one doesnt need a village to raise a kid. But you DO need 1 person to be a back up in case you really need it.

And also:you dont need physical money for a taxi op. Not since years ...

@Marvellousmadness

Seriously? This is what you'd say face to face to OP in AE.

How do YOU know she shouldn't be In A&E? You qualified?

She needs a village? NO ShIt!!!

A back up Person? No Shit!!!! she wishes she had one.

And tbh you should go in a taxi round here.

God alive how cold and insensitive are you?

OP I hope you're home and OK . Virtual Hugs to you all. What a horrible time.

[user1471462428]

The only problem with needing a village is they don’t really exist anymore. Up until recently I was several of my friends village till I realised they would never do anything for me (this included expecting full days of childcare and before and after school care but then driving past me and my kids in the rain without offering a lift when we were going to the same place). People have become so selfish this summer I haven’t been thanked for any of the childcare and treats I have provided and none of the parents have sent them with lunch so I’ve spent around £600 on activities and food.
Sadly I’ve said I will no longer help anyone out. They can find their next victims. Our society is really selfish these days.

[endingintiers]

Build a village is something only a parent without experience of neurodiverse children would say.

I have 3 neurodiverse children and we can't really do play dates with others due to their various needs. They can have violent meltdowns so last thing I need is them attacking other kids and their parents! They have had maybe 2 each in their lives (and one of these family's has now moved away). Then it takes all my energy to keep an equilibrium at home. There's only one kid I can have round at playdates (and they are from a single parent family so I don't expect them to take on all my kids after, they wouldn't cope!)

It absolutely sucks and I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.

A&E is shocking at the moment, our waits have been between 5-12 hours last few times we've needed it. I hope it's all resolved now. I know ND kids feel things very differently and more intensely so I can see why you're getting it checked out.

Try and keep an emergency £20 in your purse for future.

And give yourself a massive Pat on the back, you're doing a great job!

[Backtonormalnow]

I’ve been where you are too - two dc with special needs in A&E in the middle of the night. When they were small, I did have support from family and friends and I had paid childcare too but when their needs became greater, it was too hard for others to help practically. Sadly In the end I had to give up my job.

[sunglassesonthetable]

And give yourself a massive Pat on the back, you're doing a great job!

This OP

[caracvanning]

@autocollantes

OP my full sympathies. It's really hard to build a village. I can't count the number of times people have said similar to me. I happen to live in a place where virtually everybody has parents around and simply doesn't get what it is not to have that. The people who don't seem to have au pairs. So they don't get it really either.

Plus building a village around you is really, really hard work when you're exhausted, which I'm going to hazard a guess you are most days.

I hope you can be seen really soon.

This!

Being a single parent, especially if you work, means you don’t have the time to go out and meet people to build that bloody village! Who is meant to look after your kids whilst you build that village?!

It is enormously time consuming. Most people at this age have established friendship groups and don’t have the time or inclination to add people to it. So you spend a lot of time on getting to know people that goes nowhere, lots of snorted attempts. And it takes bloody ages to find those few previous people who also are looking to make friends and who you click enough with.

We all know what we should do. Sometimes the circumstances against you being able to do it are overwhelming.

There are plenty of people on Mumsnet who clearly have no idea what it’s like to have no resources. You have to have at least some resources to help you work towards getting more.

[caracvanning]

Should have said precious, not previous and aborted, not snorted!

[YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

youngest is saying that he has food stuck in his throat and he can't cough it out so I really can't leave until he's been seen

This sounds totally bogus. If he can talk and breathe, then he doesn't need to be in A&E. Just go home.

Don't be ridiculous.

I had this when my oesophageal muscles went into spasm, and had to be admitted and given muscle relaxant to stop it.

Can't believe you'd advise this about an SEN child when you know nothing about the situation at all.

[paralle]

I was in the same situation as you. I’m single parent, the kids haven’t seen their dads for 3 years. I called my neighbour so she can stay at my place with my other kid while I drive to hospital with the younger one.
Sometimes you have to ask. At 9 years old, your son only need someone to sit in your house so it’s easier. You can ask from a neighbour or any other parents in his class who lives not too far away. People are normally quite empathy under those situations. Even someone you barely talked with bedroom.
I know I would help in that situation if I can.

[HappyMeal564]

@HighlandPony

You need a village. Friends, siblings, cousins, second cousins, neighbours etc.

I’m not a single parent but I’m holding the fort alone at least 85% of the time. Without my village (and we all do live in the villages-literally) I’d be stuffed and so would they. not helpful tonight but you need to get yourself some support

This is true but so much easier said than done. I hope you get seen soon OP, no advice on how to make it better but a hand hold from me

[Scoobyblue]

I'm not a single parent and have two children without SEN but when they were small my partner worked away all week every week. That was tough to manage, so I can only imagine how extraordinarily tough it is in your situation. You're doing a great job and you're managing the best you can. That's what you need to tell yourself. Hope you have been seen and that all is ok.