What's worse for the children - the abuse, or leaving and breaking up the family?

[NoGoodAnswers]

Have NC for this...as everything is shit really.
I don't know where to turn. I keep hearing of how much divorce, breaking up the family fucks up kids. Know a couple of friend's who still have not recovered fully, still in therapy.
But on the other hand, does being in this family with the abuse - does that affect them? If they even know about it, though. Maybe they don't.

Kids are 11 and 8; it's been going on since before I was even pregnant with DS (older). Every couple of weeks more or less, we fight. He shouts and calls me names. Throws plates at me. Slaps me around. Not seriously though, so never any bruises. I call him names too. I can't help myself.

But the thing is, this takes place in the evening, after the kids are gone to bed.
We go downstairs to the kitchen - it's got a massive think rolling door that we keep closed. I don't think they can hear us. They've definitely not seen it happening.

So what is the least bad solution, what fucks them up least...

I don't even know what I want. I want to not dread the effects on them.

I'll put in voting:
AIBU: divorce affects them most
AINBU: if they're aware of the domestic stuff that fucks them up worse

Abuse fucks kids up sadly. I've taught many over the years that have really struggled because of what was going on at home. Some of them were very bright and could have had really promising futures. Get out for your kids

OP I once heard my dad abusing my mum when I was about 11. It traumatised me. I've told friends, therapists, siblings but have never uttered a word to either of them about it or acted differently around them.

Just because your DC don't appear to know, doesn't mean they don't.

I’d argue it’s the staying in a toxic relationship that screws up kids.

I left a very abusive marriage. I fought hard for my dc to get counselling. One engaged with counselling the other did not.

both my dc have amazing futures ahead, they’re excelling in their chosen fields and are super smart with good close friendship circles.

the years following the divorce were hard for me I had to live v frugally but we had more than most, and the three of us are so incredibly close as a result of those years of just us three together.

it’s also taught my dc their worth is not measured by staying in a relationship no matter what.

divorce screwing up kids is a load of bullshit, invented by society to keep the little women quiet and subordinate.
its the staying and being in a toxic relationship that screws up kids and causes them deeply damaging issues.

“the children love their dad, and viceversa - they light up when he comes home, they love doing things with him at the weekend.
And if it never got worse in terms of hurting me.
Then why would this affect them?”

These children you are describing will one day be adults. The dad they love right now, is not the real him. This man that comes home and plays with them and makes them light up, this is a man that is also abusing his wife, in her own home, by your own words slapping her around and throwing plates at her. These children do not know this man. They know only a fraction of what he is. But when they are adults, the rose tinted glasses will drop and they will see him for what he is.

In turn, they will also see you for what you are. Show them what you are made of, and what you want to stand for. We have this one very short life. Show them it is worth so much more than being slapped around in your own kitchen and having plates thrown at you.

My love and strength to you.

I'm sorry OP but you are wrong. You may believe you are right. But you are wrong. They know. They can hear and they may well have seen. You may never know that because they won't tell you. You are messing them up.

Leave! As a child of domestic violent house this has damaged me as a child /adult much more than it would have done than having a least one hopefully happy and safe home. Which would have happened if my parents had seperated.
Do not stay together, this is unhappy for everyone let alone children who do not understand

As you say in your username, there are no good answers. It's choosing the least worst option because the options are all less than a normal, stable home with two parents who love each other and love you, which should be the norm for every child. But that ship has sailed OP. Even if they are currently under that illusion (highly unlikely given their ages) it will not last, and the older they are the harder it will be. So you do need to choose that least worst option, which in this case is to get the violent abuser out of your children's home.

He is assaulting you regularly. That is a crime, simple as that. That's your answer. Your children are living with a criminal. Ok he isn't doing it to them but he's still doing it. He's scum. Imagine if you discovered he'd committed some sort of similar crime outside the home - say slapped around a waitress for bringing him the wrong coffee? Would you shrug it off and say that he was a wonderful father so no need to act on it?

To be honest I still don't know if I'm fucked up because of my parents' divorce, or my dad and stepmum's dysfunctional subsequent relationship, or the fact both my parents had addiction/mental health struggles. Can't really unpick one thing from the other. And you can't protect your children forever from the fact their father is a violent abuser. That will affect them in some way. But you can give them an alternative to that. You can set yourself up as someone safe, loving, protective, who draws a line around them in your home that he can't penetrate. You can be someone they can talk to when they feel depressed or anxious or like cutting themselves, rather than the reason they do - a miserable, frightened mother who they sense can't find the strength to protect herself, so how can she be strong enough to protect them?

You are minimising what is happening, you are hoping that by martyring yourself you can make it not be happening as far as your children are concerned. But you simply can't.

I'm in my forties and my parents stayed together for our sake. I really really wish they'd divorced so we could have had 2 separate homes with happy parents. Staying together meant we got nicer holidays, an easier financial time at Uni, and likely a nicer home to live in rather than 2 smaller ones. I've had the benefits of staying together but if I could have chosen I would STILL choose that they'd split up all those years ago.

It is absolutely horrid lying in bed hearing arguing and for your children, the added noise of things being thrown. After arguements both of them acting in front of us like nothing happened. I felt like I was part of a very fake false example to others of how a perfect family should be. I didn't feel loved or secure and Child me HATED that.

Adult me still pities my parents that they were so obsessed with keeping up appearances they missed out on themselves leading separate happy settled lives with a different partner. And if I'm being totally honest I also view my mother (for additinal other reasons too) as being weak and pathetic and have very little respect for her.

PLEASE give your children the opportunity to grow up with 2 happy and loving parents in 2 settled and content homes.

You are modelling relationships for them for the rest of their lives. They know you are fighting. I am still incredibly damaged from growing up in a house like this. Once me and my sibling got older my dad started on us

Also everyone probably said that I loved my dad and lit up when he came in. I was scared of him so I pretended. It has also affected my relationship with my mum. I know she was a victim too but deep down I just can't forgive her

Staying for the kids is one hell of a burden to place on them.