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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's worse for the children - the abuse, or leaving and breaking up the family?

136 replies

NoGoodAnswers · 19/09/2022 19:43

Have NC for this...as everything is shit really.
I don't know where to turn. I keep hearing of how much divorce, breaking up the family fucks up kids. Know a couple of friend's who still have not recovered fully, still in therapy.
But on the other hand, does being in this family with the abuse - does that affect them? If they even know about it, though. Maybe they don't.

Kids are 11 and 8; it's been going on since before I was even pregnant with DS (older). Every couple of weeks more or less, we fight. He shouts and calls me names. Throws plates at me. Slaps me around. Not seriously though, so never any bruises. I call him names too. I can't help myself.

But the thing is, this takes place in the evening, after the kids are gone to bed.
We go downstairs to the kitchen - it's got a massive think rolling door that we keep closed. I don't think they can hear us. They've definitely not seen it happening.

So what is the least bad solution, what fucks them up least...

I don't even know what I want. I want to not dread the effects on them.

I'll put in voting:
AIBU: divorce affects them most
AINBU: if they're aware of the domestic stuff that fucks them up worse

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 19/09/2022 20:11

You are not "normal" infront of the kids i can probably assure you of that.

I wish my parents split up 5 years before they did. They thought i didnt hear them arguing, i did. It affected my exams, it affected me bonding in high school as i wanted to be at home to."stop them arguing" so i missed out on loads, they just thought i didnt fancy going.
They chose themselves over us.
They chose to stay in a dysfunction relationship because it was easier for them, if they would have genuinely put us first, they would have split and did us all a favour.

PointyMcguire · 19/09/2022 20:13

I still carry around the baggage that came from my father’s abuse of my DM, I can absolutely promise you I have no such scars from their subsequent divorce.

You're kidding yourself if you think your DC aren’t aware of what goes on after they go to bed.

Takentomybed · 19/09/2022 20:15

There was no abuse in my family, my Dad "worked away" a lot so when they were together the atmosphere was unbearable. Digs and passive aggressive silence. I used to wish he wouldn't come home, not because i didn't like him but because of those they were together.

And although they were careful to keep things from myself and my brother I noticed everything. It was the reason I moved out as soon as I could.

My mum said she waited until she felt we were old enough to divorce. I always wished they had done it sooner.

Oysterbabe · 19/09/2022 20:18

When it escalates and he seriously injures or kills you then that will fuck them up more.

bakewellbride · 19/09/2022 20:18

Staying is always worse.

Augend23 · 19/09/2022 20:20

But surely all research about divorce will have the confounding variable which is behaviour and their life in a very likely dysfunctional household before divorce? Making any data irrelevant to your case.

It's your duty as a mother to remove them from an abusive home.

JessesMum777888 · 19/09/2022 20:22

I’m going to be brutal.
I convinced myself my kids couldn’t hear as it was in the evenings , they were asleep , they had headphones in.
The kids heard.
leave now x

Carrotzen · 19/09/2022 20:23

If you stay a couple of things could happen, firstly the abuse is likely to escalate and you could end up seriously hurt. It's also possible he turns his abuse towards the DC. Both of which are obviously a lot worse than divorce

Children benefit hugely from a happy, safe parent. Even if they haven't picked up on anything yet (which I find unlikely) they will as they grow older. The fear and tension created from this will be incredibly damaging

People need therapy for all sorts of reasons. It's easy to say your friends need therapy because their parents split up, but they could easily have needed more if the parents had sttayed. And we don't know what the environment was like before divorce and how this will hve contributed

And ultimately as a person in your own right you deserve to be safe from abuse

whingewhinge · 19/09/2022 20:23

I'm a child of a domestically violent father (and in therapy for that) and a therapist. I've never had an therapy case of an adult who's sole problem was that their parents divorced. I have multiple clients who witnessed parental DV though.

The abuse is worse. It just is.

georgarina · 19/09/2022 20:24

Abuse is worse. No contest. They will be RELIEVED to be in a happy home after a split.

It's like saying 'A volcano is erupting next to our home, what's worse - the upheaval of moving or being covered in burning lava?'

Crazydoglady1980 · 19/09/2022 20:26

There is lots of evidence that shows that domestic abuse impacts on children. It shows that it can affect all aspects of their life and future relationships. Evidence shows that often children who live with domestic abuse are more likely to become abusers themselves or experience domestic abuse from their own partners.
domestic abuse also impacts on children’s health. Children who have suffered trauma as children are more likely to have heart conditions, experience diabetes, poor mental health and many more conditions. They are also more likely to die younger than their friends who have not experienced this.
Leaving a relationship is difficult but please do not think that you are protecting your children by staying. You and your children deserve to live in a home that is safe. I know that you think the children do not know about the abuse, but I can assure you that if they do not know about it now, they will at some point. They will be scared, and may feel they have no one they can talk to about it. It would be even worse if they normalise it, as they won’t know that it’s not okay.

Muddledandbefuddled · 19/09/2022 20:26

The abuse is far worse. Even if they don't consciously know (which is unlikely) they will sense the tension and the misery. Being aware of that feeling but not knowing why seriously messes you up just as much as knowing about the abuse.

My Mum's friend was in an abusive relationship but didn't leave because she thought it would mess the kids up. To this day she swears there's no way they knew. Except I know that they did because I'm good friends with her daughter. She didn't realise until she was about 12, and says it was almost a relief because it explained so much. But then she lay awake in bed every night worrying about her mum. It's seriously messed her up. She's had a string of abusive relationships and drinks too much to blot it all out.

Parents who won't leave abusive relationships can have their children taken into care because of the damage it does to the children to live in a home with an abusive relationship.

You're also setting your children up for dysfunctional relationships themselves. They learn from modelling what is normal. You're not teaching them about loving and supportive relationships. You're teaching them it's okay to abuse and be abused. Children who grow up in abusive households are at higher risk of becoming abusive themselves.

i know it's incredibly hard, but the best thing you can do now is to show them that you deserve to be treated with respect and leave. By all means try to get them some counselling to help them process everything, but please leave. You need to do this for you and your children.

Quartz2208 · 19/09/2022 20:29

Staying for them is by far the worse thing for them

AlansFungalFootPowder · 19/09/2022 20:29

Your children are living through something I did. I prayed to God frequently throughout my childhood that they would divorce. It was my one, dearest wish. Better than going to Disneyland or winning the lottery or finding out fairies existed.

They never did divorce and my life even now in my mid thirties is overshadowed by the effects of the trauma of the past and the present day trauma as my mother continues to live in danger.

Don’t do the easy thing, do the right thing.

georgarina · 19/09/2022 20:32

To add to my comment - my parents were in an abusive marriage and got divorced. I was extremely happy and well-adjusted until my mum met someone else and started another abusive relationship and had more kids, but didn't leave because of the trauma of divorce and it 'not being that bad.'

My siblings and I suffer from a range of complex PTSD, disordered attachment, trauma-induced executive dysfunction, agoraphobia, and all kinds of other issues that would have been avoided if she had chosen divorce over remaining in the relationship.

Dutch1e · 19/09/2022 20:36

They know. And they'll already have seen someone else's mum & dad laugh together, kiss, or just speak lovingly to each other and wonder what they've done wrong that they don't have that in their life.

Leave.

BoxOfCats · 19/09/2022 20:37

The abuse is far worse. I grew up in a similar situation and honestly it was an immense relief when my parents finally divorced. And believe me, however much you think you are hiding it, your kids know.

SatInTheCorner · 19/09/2022 20:38

96% of children in care come from a home with domestic violence.

Get your kids out of there. They definitely know.

Fairislefandango · 19/09/2022 20:39

Of course it's worse to stay. Quite apart from the trauma they will have from living in an abusive household, you are teaching them that this is what a relationship/marriage is, that this is what to expect and what to tolerate from a partner. I wonder if you are convincing yourself that staying is better for the children so that you don't have to face the idea of actually leaving.

concernedrepurplehouse · 19/09/2022 20:41

I understand. We didn’t want my parents to divorce.
We were wrong.

Itsmeagainyes · 19/09/2022 20:43

Leave. The children will know. I remember the relief when my dad finally left our house. The atmosphere was so much better once he had gone.

Pallisers · 19/09/2022 20:46

They know.

They will grow up to create the same pattern themselves. They will go into friend's houses and see what a normal relationship is like. It isn't like yours - even when you perform normal for them. it is only a performance. They know there is something deeply wrong in their home.

I feel so sorry for them that neither parent cares enough to stop this toxic behaviour.

Italiangreyhound · 19/09/2022 20:50

Abuse is worse

America12 · 19/09/2022 20:51

They can hear you , believe me.

WooWooWinnie · 19/09/2022 20:52

I grew up in a house where the parents stayed together. My sister and I spent our whole teen years wishing they would separate. The anticipation of a row, the feeling of tension, not wanting to leave my parents alone with each other, trying to safeguard my little sister from the worst of it… and the guilt! The guilt that they were staying together for us. It was awful. My parents are in their 70s and miserable together but don’t know how to be apart. If they’d separated years ago it could have been the making of each of them. Not to mention the fact that my sister and I have also each struggled with our own relationships, trying to work out what should be acceptable, and what “normal”, healthy relationships look like.

In short, you are doing your children no favours by staying.