To wonder how your life would have been different if you had only had one child

[Sowetoutside]

Obviously some people have chosen this and please do tell me why.

I always wanted two children but really struggling with TTC. I’m slowly coming round to the fact I may only have the one.

Im trying to think of the positives so hit me!

There's a narrative push in society that the norm is 'mum, dad and at least two kids.' It's everywhere in the media and so many families, not just those with one child, don't fit that mould and are made to feel less than.

@Ginger1982 - yes it’s funny the media have held on to this 2.4 kids idea when actually the statistic is 2.4 people per household now, be that 1 parent and 2 children or 2 parents and 1 child. Yet it’s uncommon to see families in the media that aren’t Mum, Dad and 2 children, usually a boy and a girl.

I have two but can immediately think of lots of benefits!

none of the endless squabbling which can make a trip out into a misery

no feeling torn in two when they both need/want you

you’re not tired from being up with the baby when trying to deal with toddler/pre schooler tantrums

far, far, far more chance of keeping things for you going: career on track, exercise, social life/hobbies. 5 years of non sleeping kids really did these in for me

can adapt activities/parenting style to suit the one child rather than always compromises or doing things separately with one parent each

Can I just thank the OP for starting a great thread - as a parent of an only by choice, it’s so good to hear from other parents who made the same choice and enjoy the same benefits but are also fed up of the judgement. I avoid the one child family board because it’s usually more focused on situations where people very sadly can’t have more despite wanting more - I sometimes wondered if I was the only mum out there who just concluded one was best!

@TempsPerdu isn't coming across as smug to me. She is simply stating the benefits for her of having one child. How is this smug? I have an only. My sister has two children. I can see the benefits and downsides of both of our situations and can accept them. The problem, I find, is that there are people in this world who are unable to hold two different set of circumstances (both with postivies and negatives on both sides) without making one 'good' and one 'bad'. They see it as an 'attack' on their choice so they have to put the choice that wasn't theirs down.

This thread has been a breath of fresh air. It's nice to hear about the positives of having an only child as it is not something that society celebrates. More often than not, as others have pointed out, it is seen as somethingn to be ashamed of. I do find that a lot of the negativity directed at only children, or the concept of only children, is projected loneliness of the person making the remark. Many people are absolutely terrified of being alone. They will stay in awful relationships rather than be 'alone'. Lots of people feel sorry for someone they see on their own in a cinema or restaurant etc. It has nothing to do with how happy or confident that person who is perceived to be 'alone' might be. All to do with the unhappiness and insecurities of the person making the remark.

We are one and done- by choice although there are also infertility reasons.

Time- for ourselves, for DD, as a couple, family more likely to cope with babysitting one

Money- less childcare, less food bills, easier to work full time, can afford to give child more experiences, more holidays, can save more and don’t need to work as long- can afford to get them bike/ phone/ help with uni etc

Energy- more energised having less cleaning/ washing/ care etc and not devoting energy to more IVF, less chance of dealing with fighting children, more peaceful home

Age appropriate- can do things without younger or older siblings to hold back

Space- no need for bigger house, can have a small car, less clutter

Health- less birth injuries, mood problems, breastfeeding pain, pregnancy weight, better peace of mind and less stressed, avoiding further ivf injections, procedures, medications etc

Connection- hopefully close relationship with DD and less strained marriage

Our age- chance of abnormalities increased with age, more miscarriages would be painful, means we get to spend more childfree time at the other end, won’t be very old parents

Portability- easier to travel with one child

Environment- much lower impact and easier to focus on environmentally friendly choices

I have four children.

If I only had one;

I wouldn't be taking a necessary but resented (by me) break from my career; I'd be at work where I feel valued and stimulated.

We would have a lot more money.

I would be able to go on holiday without spending a small fortune on it only to find the kids moan and bicker all the way through so I'd rather save the money and stay home.

I wouldn't feel guilty about spreading my time between them.

I would have a lot less washing to do!

I'd have a nicer car rather than one with sliding doors and a lot of boot space.

I would have relaxing meals each night rather than spending 90% of each meal refereeing and asking my children to eat properly without shouting.

I love them all dearly, but there would definitely be positives to having only one child ...

I have one, not by choice, but I’ve come around to the benefits of it. I still ache for another sometimes, but the plus points to a single child are significant!

Money and time- whatever hobby she wants to do or try we can accommodate.

Travel- we fit in all vehicles and in one hotel room. We love travelling, and it’s never stressful juggling different age needs or refereeing.

House- my sitting room is not strewn in toys, my kitchen is not filled with plastic. It’s calm, and fun, and flexible. I cook whatever we all fancy and we all eat the same, no juggling different child requirements or fusses.

childcare- most people are happy to watch an only, well behaved kid!

I can focus on my career, and keep my hobbies, as can my husband. There’s plenty of time and neither he nor I feels put upon looking after multiple kids whilst the other gallivants off.

Future provision. There will be no fighting over wills, no stressing about who helps who more. Because we are only paying for one child, our mortgage will be paid off much quicker and money set aside to support any caring needs. And there will be money for DC for the future too.

I have one and experienced secondary infertility. I was upset but now I love it!

We have time and money to spend on our son. I think it helps that he isn't shy so has lots of friends and is happy to play with new children.

Since the various lockdowns he does have anxiety and I am glad we are able to focus solely on DS if he is struggling

I think you stand more chance of having some kind of life still when you only have one to think of. I can think of positives to both and there is no one side fits all. It's a shame people feel pressure or judged for having just one child, it's more environmentally friendly!

This is really helping me as we are one and done through circumstance and as DD grows older I'm beginning to see the Benefits

We have two, 6 and 1. For a while it looked like we would only have one, and as there's quite a big gap between the two of them, I can see how different things would have been if I hadn't had DD2. The biggest difference is I feel DD1's now at the age where she's more independent and consequently DH and I would be able to get more of our old lives back - more time for hobbies and for ourselves, more of a sense of ourselves outside of parenthood. I see this in friends who have one child approaching this age too - they're able to travel and pursue their own interests more easily, and regain a sense of their own identity.

Obviously having plunged back into the nappies and teething stage this is beyond us for a few more years, and I won't lie, the tiredness has hit me hard. I feel less patient, and like I have less to give now (although that might also be turning 40 talking). I don't regret DD2 at all, but is absolutely not easy at the moment.

We'd have more money, a tidier house, more time and I'd be thinner. However I'd struggle to decide which two of our three I'd jettison, as they're all quite awesome really, so I guess we're stuck with them.

My child would have had much more opportunity to do what they wanted to do if an only.

my brain would be a lot of a nicer place to be.

@Squeezedsquash In what way?

@Lightningscaresme as a pp observed, as a mum of 3 with no extended family support, i never switch off. I am juggling all the time. I notice friends who can leave a child (or maybe all their children) to a grandparent or uncle or aunt with so much envy - there is never downtime to eg deal with the accumulated stuff of three children in the house, never time to myself. We’re equal parents but a 1:3 ratio is hard so the parent who has the time “off”
fees they need to make it worthwhile.

when I only had one child - my youngest child is now the age (4) my eldest child was when he stopped being an only - one parent could have some real quality time with the child whilst the other did stuff - practical or fun - which gave us the headspace to enjoy time together. We don’t have that now.

i love my children massively and I am delighted I have three. But my life would be easier - quieter, more time for me, fewer things to be worrying about or jugging, more time for everything - with 1.

Ive learnt, who cares if it seems smug, if its ok for them, its ok for us too. Now i happily say we have more energy, its easier on the wallet, i get sleep ins and DD will be set up when we die. Its our reality and i shouldnt have to be ashamed of that

Mine is now 12, even at 9yo i was still getting, so whens number 2?
Like i said when DD was born, NEVER again and i meant it

I said i was one and done the day DD was born
She is now 12 and still an only lol

EVERYONE said id change my mind - oh how wrong they were. As DD got older, i was even more cemented in my choice

@Ineedcoffee2021 I don’t think it’s smug of you at all, infact it’s refreshingly honest of you to admit you don’t have the energy or money for more than one. It shouldn’t be anything to be scoffed at. If more people knew their limits, there would be a lot less unhappy parents and children!

@NCFT0922 - very true. I always said one, mused about a second during pregnancy (I blame the hormones) but the reality of having a child brought me firmly back to reality. One is definitely my limit, physically, financially and mentally. We would have 2 very unhappy children, and parents if we’d had a second.

@ChilliBandit you sound very similar to my sister. She has one child who they are able to give a nice life to because he is the only one. She did admit she would’ve liked more but knew 1 was their financial and mental limit and they’re a very happy family of 3.

We’re a very happy family of 3. Very little drama and stress.
DS11 has had amazing opportunities to do things (to specify would be outing) that he definitely wouldn’t have had if my time had been split between other kids.
Lots more money than we’d have had with more kids, will be mortgage free in a couple of years.