To wonder how your life would have been different if you had only had one child

[Sowetoutside]

Obviously some people have chosen this and please do tell me why.

I always wanted two children but really struggling with TTC. I’m slowly coming round to the fact I may only have the one.

Im trying to think of the positives so hit me!

Well said, TempsPerdu.

@TempsPerdu there are loads of people on the thread talking about the positives of only children and you are the only person whose response came across as smug, so perhaps read it again and consider why that might be.

Oh dear @TempsPerdu, you’ve obviously hit a nerve with some posters!

This thread has been lovely to read. IRL I have had a fair few negative comments about choosing to have an only and lots of maybe you will change your mind etc (we won’t). So it’s been really nice to hear people’s positives around having 1 child.

@Ifyouknowyouknowyouknow Because I’ve made a few observations from my own lived experience (the veracity of which I stand by), and a few posters didn’t like them or thought I was generalising about all families with multiple children, rather than those I happen to know personally? For which I have already apologised?

At least it makes a change from us only child families being made to feel rubbish about our choices/circumstances (and if anyone was in any doubt about how much stigma there remains around only children, the most active post on the One-Child Families forum is entitled: ‘How Do I Justify Having An Only Child?’)

I'm an only and my adult dd is an only. I can't think why anyone would want more than one.

Well for me it was the implication that you/ your child are better than parents whose kids haven’t yet “branched out” to a wide range of extra curricular activities at 4, or who didn’t decide (unnecessarily) to teach them phonics before starting school. These things are nothing to do with the number of kids you have. I’ve taken my kids swimming loads for example but one of them is quite scared of the water. This is a personality trait not a reflection of how they were parented.

It’s like those insufferable parents whose first born happens to eat or sleep well and they put it all down to their own fantastic parenting without realising it’s pure luck. Usually though they go on to have another child and realise their error.

Btw despite living in a similar sounding area of London I have literally never encountered a parent who can’t or won’t take their kids out alone so you are either exaggerating or you should know that that it is not normal. Ditto not managing to send them with what they need for school.

@TempsPerdu Great posts - I have very similar feelings and experiences!

I agree... And also parents of only one child can be disorganised at times (and I speak from experience!).

@Ifyouknowyouknowyouknow

— Why isn’t it a positive thing for a child to have had a broad range of cultural experiences by 4 (or 5, or whatever)? Cultural capital, in my book, is important and enriching at any age. Part of our decision making process in opting to have one child was that we could afford to travel widely with her, enable her to access and feel comfortable in a whole range of different settings, allow her to access a range of different musical, sporting and community activities, have foreign language lessons, instrumental lessons etc. We wouldn’t have been able to afford all this with more than one child, we were aware of that and we planned our family accordingly. A good thing, surely? Or do you think all this ‘extra’ stuff is wasted on young kids?

I’m not saying our way is ‘better’; I’m saying it’s a positive choice we’ve made, which we believe is every bit as valid and beneficial as choosing to have another child in order to give your existing one a sibling.

— Out of my original NCT group of 8 families, 6 have gone on to have a second child. 5 of those have have held off regularly swimming with their DC until now because they didn’t feel confident safely dealing with two small children in the pool, and couldn’t face the logistics of changing them both etc. They’ve all recently started formal swimming lessons (as it seems to be the ‘done thing’ once they hit 4 here) and 4 of the 5 are now fearful of the water and refusing to get in at all - sudden onset tummy aches, massive screaming fits etc. Could well be coincidence or temperament - I don’t know - but as I said it’s just something I’ve observed among people I know. Ditto the other classes that we do with DD - her friends often can’t access them in the same way because their parents can’t make it work alongside their younger siblings’ differing developmental needs. So they wait until the younger child is old enough to access them too.

— Btw despite living in a similar sounding area of London I have literally never encountered a parent who can’t or won’t take their kids out alone And I know plenty. I don’t mean to the local shops etc; I mean days out on public transport to museums, or classes, venues more centrally in London etc. Things that could potentially be logistically challenging, with escalators, crowds etc. Lots of people hold off doing anything until their DP is free, and then do a big outing to Legoland or wherever.

— I haven’t ‘unnecessarily’ taught my child phonics; no education is ‘unnecessary’ as far as I’m concerned. She was motivated to read and I’m a trained primary school teacher. No, DD didn’t ‘need’ to do it before school, but she was ready, I had the time and I’m happy that her core skills are secure and she can now focus on the more social side of Reception.

I’m an only child through circumstance (my parents split when I was young) and my child is an only through infertility (primary and secondary).

My only parent has died recently the benefit is I have no one to contest the will/argue about what I do with my parent’s possessions etc, the flip side I have no one to say “do you remember..”with, no one shared my childhood.

TempsPerdu, I think the reason your post has raised eyebrows, and indeed hackles, is that it contains an undercurrent of superiority about your choice meaning your child is sooooo much more cultured and enriched than her peers with their dreadful lives spent practically imprisoned at home, not doing classes or having experiences, barely making it to school with the correct equipment etc. I do appreciate you've said that isn't how you meant it to come across.

In most replies the benefits are things like more money, lie ins, able to focus on one child, enough space in a house, not having to share inheritance. These things don't imply that the decision to have one leads to a superior child/superior parenting. Your post did read a bit like that as it was about the way in which your child's experience of life is superior to those being dragged up in families with siblings.

I also don't personally recognise that description of life with multiples, as my experience is that whether one child or many, they all do classes, swimming, holidays etc (finances allowing). I will admit that most people I know with 3+ children are very well off.

Please don't think I'm having a go at you, I'm not. You've got your experiences and your reasoning. Your DD sounds like she has a fantastic life and it's an absolutely valid decision to only have one child. Having faced infertility, I recognise that having a child at all is absolutely wonderful and you do what you can to give them the best life possible.

I've honestly never judged another person for the number of children they have or don't have. Just explaining why your post might have been read in a particular way.

This has killed me.

My second, and third, died as babies (pre-term) so my DS has never experienced a sibling relationship, and probably never will.

I imagined him doing all the things you describe, I wish he could have the things you talk about. And all the negatives, are the things I fear.

@DayOfTheTentacle don't dwell on what this poster has written. A 'limited edition' child knows no difference. It's only as adults that we look on and think 'oh wouldn't it be lovely if...'

Much richer DD went on 4 holidays last year 🙄. We pay for her to go to PGL camps which she loves she's 91. Our house is quiet peaceful no siblings fighting , my DD is very outgoing, independent and knows her own mind. Has tons of friends knocking on to play. The 3 of us are very close and DD does not want a sibling at all.

@DayOfTheTentacle sorry to hear of the deaths of your babies I can't imagine how hard that has been.

It is natural for people to focus on their own good experiences to justify the life they have and decisions they have made. Some might be a bit insensitive when they do so.

The 'negatives' of having an only are dubious in my view (and I say that as someone with more than one). The main thing is a stable, loving and safe home where your child is cherished and can flourish - in whatever form that takes.

I only had one because one was all I could afford on my own. I have quite a few friends who had a baby on their own as the right man never appeared and they have one for the same reason. We're all happy with our decisions. My adult DS has never expressed any interest in siblings and I feel I can help him out more as there is only him.

Having one is so good.

So calm, no arguing, bickering, more sleep, less housework, less washing, less food to buy, more money. The list goes on.

I think parents of onlies, particularly by choice, often get defensive on threads like this as we are so often told that our choices are wrong or selfish, or that our kids are missing out on something essential.

We were open to having more than one. However after seeing the reality of what having a child was like, we opted not to try for more.
We felt we were starting to spread ourselves thin and decided we couldn't stretch any further that way. We both work full time so there was no wriggle room for more.
Our careers are important to both of us and we didn't want to compromise on those.
Heath and mental health: it's been really tough. Could we have coped with more? Clearly some people are made of better stuff than us!
Better life balance where we can all engage in hobbies and extracurriculars.
The house is quiet and tidy.
Financially we can afford private school ( not that we have gone private but the option is here) , tuition fees, mortgage and later in life a good pension and savings and investment to cover care homes.
DC will have a good inheritance too.
Quite frankly it feels like everything in the world is going awry( Brexit, covid, trump, Ukraine etc) . We couldn't face bringing another life into this. Absolutely no judgement of those who have who have ultimately provided a companion to their child.
I guess I can see it both ways but we are comfortable with our decision. I can see of a lot of families of multiples who look happy so clearly we are all different!

@AlwaysMunching Thank you for such a thoughtful post; it was good to read and reflect. Again, my posts were never intended as goady or smug, and, as @bookworm14 has written above, I was possibly slightly in defensive mode when I wrote it.

Why? Well I think a lot of this debate is contextual. The thing is, the friends and family I describe above aren’t especially rich. Many of them can’t comfortably afford their two or three children, especially with the current cost of living crisis. Their children will most likely miss out out on some of the things my own DD gets to experience, simply because there is less time and money to go round. We have had many discussions about their lack of sleep, limited time and overstretched finances, but on balance they would still choose to have multiple children, sometimes because they wanted to give their first child a sibling, but more often simply because they wanted them. And the wider world validates their choice.

But for me it wasn’t worth it. I love being a parent, but I didn’t want a second child enough to merit the expense; the stress; the sleep deprivation; the dwindling opportunities; the extra environmental impact; the effect of pregnancy on my body and wellbeing; the lost resources I would no longer be able to offer to DD. But the world doesn’t validate this choice - I am selfish; I am superficial for caring about material comfort; I am depriving DD of a sibling relationship; DD will be spoilt; DD will be lonely.

All I want is for families who have one child - whether it be by choice or by circumstance - to be afforded the same ‘rights’ as parents of multiples to live their lives without society’s judgement. If it’s wrong for me to make ‘smug’ comments on here about my lovely, calm, organised one-child family it should be regarded as equally inappropriate for people to post things like ‘I’m so glad I gave them a sibling!’, or ‘Now we’re a proper family!’ or ‘An only child is an lonely child’, or ‘I’d never have just the one!’ The impact of just one such post on @DayOfTheTentacle is a big part of the reason why I’ve been so determined to stand my ground on the many pros of only children. I found that hard to read too, and I haven’t personally lost any babies.

It just seems utterly bizarre to me that people can say they want another child just because they’re broody and their hormones are going haywire, and they’re cheered on and told to get going. But carefully plan a single child family around what you can and can’t afford or what opportunities you can offer them - or, worse still, point out there may be some positives to this approach- and you’re deemed strange and selfish.

I have two. However my DD's best friend is an only. She is not socially awkward or spoilt, and an all round good egg. A lovely happy go lucky child.

I'm an only child and my DC is an only child. It's great. More money to go around, I can focus all my attention on DC when they need it.

@TempsPerdu your posts are excellent and articulate much of what I want to say about my DD and how we are raising her: thank you!

@TempsPerdu - your posts are both articulate and refreshing. Parents of only children are often the target of a lot of criticism and it’s been interesting to see the reaction when that is turned on it’s head.

If it’s wrong for me to make ‘smug’ comments on here about my lovely, calm, organised one-child family it should be regarded as equally inappropriate for people to post things like ‘I’m so glad I gave them a sibling!’, or ‘Now we’re a proper family!’ or ‘An only child is an lonely child’, or ‘I’d never have just the one!’

Exactly this. Why is one set of comments deemed acceptable when the other isn’t?