Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

[avamiah]

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

£97 is a lot but if you don’t take advantage of the deals or set meals it’s easily doable. We ordered a set meal for 4 from a Chinese once, was around £45, tried to order again a month later by just doing “order again” but the set meal had changed so it added all the dishes separately and it came to almost £80!! Thank god I noticed the price before paying.

I am not British and have experience of many different cultures and I agree with you. It is shocking how so many here mock OP for her spelling mistake and castigate her for being thoughtless! If there is a miscommunication, say the host did not intend to provide dinner, then the guest showing up with potted plant and wine should have set her straight. I totally believe OP about the cost of her gift - 26 quid sounds right- and it is a pretty normal thing to take around for a dinner invite. OP clarified that the friend lived in a comfortable house and was ordering from a favourite restaurant - hardly the signs of impoverishment! So all the self righteous talk about being sensitive to someone's financial circumstances falls flat. The host was not sensitive to OP's lack of cash. I would hardly expect people to be carrying around almost 50 quid in cash.

I nvited friends to dinner on Sat but was too exhausted to cook. So I ordered food before they arrived and apologised for not cooking.It was totally on me to provide dinner, no matter what form it took. The sort of behaviour OP was subjected to would be considered totally shabby in many cultures.

You are not an idiot, OP. You actually sound considerate and gracious and have made the mistake of thinking that others are like you. Live and learn.

No my parents always pay with my offering the standard 15-20 as usual ( 2 of my sisters are at sixth form, one has a TBI and will be lifelong damaged and the other is 11), but no never usually have to pay , regardless I have worked out OP'S share hypothetically proportionally which is a point I think you have missed? EVEN IF OP HAD TO PAY WHICH I'M SAYING SHE DOESN'T SHE WOULD ONLY OWE AROUND 20-25.

Your friend is totally in the wrong. Of course if you invite someone for dinner you provide them with a meal. She sounds stingy and a user - at least you know to watch out for her money tricks in future. Ignore the haters on here - some people just like to give folk a hard time!

@mirax
You really are something special let me tell you.
I appreciate your kind words.

As for carrying around £50 or more in cash in my purse , well of course I do why wouldn’t I ?
Especially if I am going to a friends house so I always take emergency cash and have my cards.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable as you had no idea it was a take away and once you were in her house you weren’t in a position to really refuse even if you couldn’t afford it.

As a pp said, if she said to you ‘pop over with the kids and we can get a takeaway’ then I’d expect to pay my share (and possibly just halve the bill rather than calc what we had unless there was a large disparity in numbers etc). However if she invited us for dinner and there was no mention of ordering food and I’d brought gifts I’d think it odd for a friend to assume I’d contribute. I’d find it less annoying if it was just me and my friend due to cost but once kids are involved the cost of takeaways really rises and it’s not fair to assume someone can afford it.

What was their order?

She must have spent about £65 on their stuff? You subsidised them by about £20? After paying £26 for an orchid and wine. Ok take the wine off as you probably drank some too but that is an absolute piss take!!!!!!!!

Would you message her about it?

Yes I’d expect to pay for a takeaway and I’d actually pay half as I don’t like bill faffing. But I can afford to. If you can’t I’d not have ordered anything

Standard here too for a Chinese - with a bit left over for the next day.

@christmas2022
Well I know she ordered a half crispy duck with pancakes and spring rolls there were lots of them and a beef dish and noodles and different rice dishes and prawn crackers.

You must be slow at reading despite having money. How was OP supposed to know the exact amount they should have given that the other person ordered??

I think splitting a takeaway is OK in principle, but she really should have clarified in advance that she was talking about a takeaway.

If you and she did agree to a takeaway on the spur of the moment.... OK but she should have slowed down and checked with you about spending amounts and so on.

I do think that you also should have been a bit more assertive and let her know how much you had to spend. Chalk it up to lessons learned.

@DSGR
I could afford to buy a orchard, sorry I meant Orchid and a bottle of Prosecco from M&S and still scramble £45 to pay for me and my daughters dinner.

I have read the whole thread and YADNBU.

Initially I thought you were, but you absolutely were not, IMO.
You must feel slightly humiliated, I would.

And yes, if my side ate a lot more than the other side, yes I'd bloody well insist on paying a lot more of the bill than my friend did. I don't mean we'd get the calculators out, but I'd be like "OK, we ate far more than you, why don't you just put in 15 quid and I'll pay the other 35 quid" or whatever.

I would've paid towards it but not half! You didn't order half the food so... With a friend who says give me 1/3, I'd just give it. But if a cheeky friend was trying to make me pay half, I'd go so far as to calculate my portion with a small tip and give that.

@adriftabroad ,

Yes I felt shocked initially and then embarrassed well I actually felt like a idiot, like I was being made a fool of.

Imagine you had been invited for dinner and a catch up with your 12 year old child to a friends house with her 3 children and took gifts then had to go in your purse to pay half for the dinner.?

I read your thread. She is rude. She invited you for dinner and doesn’t cook. Weird. Then doesn’t offer to pay for a takeaway. I would step back a bit from now on

YANBU but this sounds like a lack of communication more than anything.

If you were invited for dinner then yes she should provide dinner.
When the plan changed to takeaway your friend should have apologised and discussed it with you to make sure you were okay with that.
(For the record if it was me and I’d invited someone specifically for dinner I would offer to pay for the whole takeaway but I guess she just switched to takeaway mode and it doesn’t occur to her?)

When it comes to the bill, I wonder if she thought the whole thing was shared? With friends we always discuss whether we’re buying separate dishes for ourselves or sharing everything. It’s possible she just assumed it was all to share.
Since no one discussed it at the time though it’s impossible to say I guess?

If she’s a good friend and to enjoy her company I’d say just assume it was a miscommunication and try to let it go.

I absolutely agree. Plus all her DCs were of an age where they eat loads.
Its not as if she had 3 and 4 year olds or something.
How do people find the confidence to behave like this?
I think many are reading first few posts and not fully understanding the situationn (of gifts/invitation to dinner/teenage DCs etc)

If a friend said come round, we’ll catch up and order a takeaway id expect to pay my share and I’d probably pay half or my share …and would take (depending on the friend) a bottle for them for hosting and something I wanted to drink.

someone invites me round for dinner I’d expect to take a present and booze and get fed!

Yanbu

If I’d been invited to dinner and host chose to do takeaway rather than cook a meal, I wouldn’t expect to pay towards it. If friends had said, ‘ come over for a few drinks’ and we ended up getting a takeaway I’d pay my share of course.

Just to say I am with you O.P. and your friend is a C.F. and it's always sad when you have that from a friend.
Be on your guard moving forward now in similar situations...

You shouldn’t call yourself an idiot for paying. I’d have done the same if someone had been rude enough to ask for the money. I might have suggested I pay a third though! . Your friend is a massive CF. If you invite someone for dinner and choose to order takeaway then you as host pay for it