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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
CactusBlossom · 19/09/2022 01:15

You should have paid either a third (i.e. two sixths, you and your daughter, her family the other four), or for your own dishes.

withgraceinmyheart · 19/09/2022 01:19

benning · 19/09/2022 00:25

not surprised she didn’t fancy cooking for you all.

Then she shouldn’t have invited them for dinner!

She should have said, ‘Would you mind if I don’t cook? We could pop out and get a takeaway instead.’

Which the OP would have understood as being something that would be split financially.

Sorry, OP, I’m incensed for you.

Seems pretty obvious to me that she didn’t mean to invite them for dinner, but just suggested they keep each other company while their partners were both out of town. OP misunderstood, hence her turning up with an orchid which is a fairly OTT gift anyway!

Like I said, no one’s been unreasonable it’s just a misunderstanding. OP needs to chalk it up to experience. All could have been easily avoided with better communication instead of assuming.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 01:21

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2022 01:09

Debretts would tell us.

IMO if someone invites me for dinner, I'm bringing wine and a 'thing' (plant, flowers, chocolates etc.) and they cook dinner. If someone says "come over Saturday and watch the football/Eurovision/whatever shall WE get a takeaway?" I'm paying for some.

In this case the inviter was wrong, OP is right.

Thank you,
I was beginning to think I was a “CF” as a few posters have said.😬

OP posts:
RainingRubies · 19/09/2022 01:22

avamiah · 19/09/2022 00:53

@SquareVertical ,

Your the first person that has asked this question and the answer is Yes.

Nothing like what happened in her home recently but she has asked me if I could pay for her share of a rickshaw ride in soho as the guy only takes cash about 5 months ago as she just had her card.It was only £10 but she never gave it back.😶

It was Adults only .

Hmmm. With something like that and such a trivial amount, she probably forgot? Did you ask her for it? Does she ever pick up the tab for you both when you go out for coffee/ meals?

I couldn't get worked up over £10. I am surprised you even remember that. Generally with my friends we alternate paying but nobody keeps tally of what the bills were: if someone else pays the bill in a restaurant of course you don't usually see how much it is anyway! But this recent thing with the takeaway was rude because she had asked you to dinner so the expectation is that she provides food.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/09/2022 01:26

If we invite someone for dinner and get takeout, we pay! And even if it was mutual we’d pay or accept a contribution but not half of there were more of us than the guests

IAmAReader · 19/09/2022 01:38

jetadore · 18/09/2022 23:51

Disclaimer: I am not ethnically British. But the thought of inviting someone to my home for dinner and then asking them to pay for the food is absolutely shameful. If you can’t host someone properly then don’t do it. OP was invited for dinner, the fact dinner was a takeaway is neither here nor there; it’s up to the host to provide it. Even if she wasn’t explicitly invited for dinner, inviting someone to your house and not feeding them properly is an insult and a massive loss of face. In my book it would have been more polite to diplomatically end the visit before dinner. If OP had declined the takeaway would the host have sat there and eaten a meal in front of her and her daughter? If the host had cooked would they have asked op to pay for half the ingredients? Says a lot about British culture, as does the consensus of replies on here. Inviting someone to your home and sharing a meal is one of the greatest demonstrations of friendship. Even a simple meal, doesn’t have to be from the posh Chinese (which rather suggests it’s all about status and appearances rather than consideration and friendship). Supposedly Christian county, Jesus and his fish and all that, looking down on the world with your superior morals, home is your castle, can’t even spot your guests a takeaway.
I must say I have been to many friends’ houses and this has never happened so I think in this case MN is out of touch with reality (or I travel in better circles).

@jetadore Exactly, I'm appalled by the amount of people who think this is OK. I don't know if it's a cultural thing but to me this just seems so rude considering she was invited to her friends for dinner. It's not like she bumped into her mate on the high street, who then suggested they go back to hers and they can split a takeaway or something.

If she couldn't afford a takeaway for her mate and one child in addition to herself and her three kids, she should have used the money she spent on the takeaway to buy ingredients and cook dinner which seems originally the plan.

I have one friend who asked me to pay for my takeaway but she was unemployed, if she ever done that again I'd pull her up on it because I've paid for her and her children many times whether it's ordering in or sitting in a restaurant.

Every other friend I can think of has paid the cost of a takeaway if they invited me to theirs to eat, and I've returned the favour.

@avamiah you were probably taken by surprise so it's understandable, but next time if anything like this happens please speak up don't pay half! You should have at most paid for what you and your daughter spent which is £25.

IAmAReader · 19/09/2022 01:46

whatsup00 · 19/09/2022 00:04

I hate how people re looking down on others or implying that it's bad manners to split a bill. For a start, not everyone is in the same financial situation. To me, I would always offer to pay half - it makes it easier for both of us so one person isn't left with an expensive bill, and it's also what's agreed/always been done. To me it's actually more fair. And actually, it turns out to be pretty much the same - as both people are paying half each time, instead of alternating with one person paying the entire thing, and the next time the other person paying the entire thing. It isn't rude, or classless, or any of the other negative things that have been mentioned. Being judgemental, on the other hand - or not understanding that maybe not everyone could pay the entire bill each time - is creeping towards those things.

If you offer to pay half when you've spent less than the other person, that's your choice but if you're the one who has ordered significantly more - my maths isn't great but it seems about about £68 vs £24 - it's really not for you to make that call to do an equal split 'to make it easier'.

You should offer to pay how much you've spent and if the person who has spent less, offers to pay half if you're happy to accept the offer that's fine - as long as you do the same for them the next time they pay more.

Although I must reiterate in this case the issue is she shouldn't have been charging her friend anyway considering she was invited round to dinner not to mention her friend brought gifts.

mackthepony · 19/09/2022 01:51

Shocking behaviour.

It's like a scam: 'oh come for dinner! ER NO, you buy me a super fancy takeaway from a resto instead!!!. HAHAHA!!'

I could not be friends with that person

IAmAReader · 19/09/2022 01:52

avamiah · 19/09/2022 00:53

@SquareVertical ,

Your the first person that has asked this question and the answer is Yes.

Nothing like what happened in her home recently but she has asked me if I could pay for her share of a rickshaw ride in soho as the guy only takes cash about 5 months ago as she just had her card.It was only £10 but she never gave it back.😶

It was Adults only .

@avamiah Now might be a good time to say you're a bit tight on cash having had an unexpected dinner bill...ha! And could she pay you back that tenner she owes you.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 01:56

@IAmAReader

I’m never going to do that again.
As the old saying goes “Once Bitten Twice Shy “.

It cost me a lot of money to be invited to her home for dinner but I would of always of took gifts as that’s me .

OP posts:
Kerrrmieee · 19/09/2022 02:00

A dish here would be £7.50 and that's without rice - a few dishes would definitely be over £40.

Metrette · 19/09/2022 02:00

I have always paid for takeaway in a friends’ home! It’s the norm. I guess you could have calculated your share and it’s always a bit awkward at first as with restaurants but no one minds. Your fault for not speaking up. Not everyone is a maths and etiquette expert

IAmAReader · 19/09/2022 02:03

avamiah · 19/09/2022 01:56

@IAmAReader

I’m never going to do that again.
As the old saying goes “Once Bitten Twice Shy “.

It cost me a lot of money to be invited to her home for dinner but I would of always of took gifts as that’s me .

Yes just take it as a lesson learnt, there are many things we have all agreed to under pressure and then regretted!

But good friendships involve reciprocity and respect and that friend has showed neither of those to you. So, if you do continue the friendship just be alert around her. It sounds like she will continue to engineer situations where you foot the bill.

Mothership4two · 19/09/2022 02:03

I'm British @jetadore and this behaviour would be weird in our world. If someone asks you to dinner you do not expect to pay for it. My BIL lives abroad but comes back often and stays with PIL and when he asks the rest of the family around he will get a takeaway for everyone (which probably costs a small fortune as it's a large family) but he would never dream of asking us to split the bill . I'm sure family members probably have offered to contribute just to be polite though. It's not something I would do (ask people for dinner but get a takeaway) but likewise I wouldn't ask guests to pay for it.

If you were going to do this, you really should make it clear beforehand so your guest knows where they stand and aren't scrabbling around for money like the OP. Not that we have ever done this.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 02:08

Metrette · 19/09/2022 02:00

I have always paid for takeaway in a friends’ home! It’s the norm. I guess you could have calculated your share and it’s always a bit awkward at first as with restaurants but no one minds. Your fault for not speaking up. Not everyone is a maths and etiquette expert

In my opinion it is Not the Norm and that’s why I started this thread to get other opinions .

OP posts:
kateandme · 19/09/2022 02:12

If she’s a good friend I’d assume she was going to cook then fell short of time or whatever reason she suddenly couldn’t.so offered a take out.
but if she a real good friend she’d explain the problem and we’d either split a takeaway or look in her cupboard,egg and beans on toast anyone. Or go and grab some pizzas from Lidl .

Watchthesunrise · 19/09/2022 02:17

I would be happy to pay half. And it wouldn't crossy mind to be upset about it.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 02:24

I would like to say that I have been a member on here for many years probably nearing 10 years and I am very active on here as in replying to posts, threads but I rarely start a thread.
So for me to start a thread it must be a really important issue that bothers me and it is and that’s why I am still awake and replying to posts.

Thanks for all your positive posts as it means a lot to me.

OP posts:
whatyousayin · 19/09/2022 02:34

I've paid half for takeaways before at a friends home, but usually discuss the payment situation before actually getting together so we are all on the same page.

I don't think you should expect someone to pay for you. If they offered to make a dinner for you, total different kettle of fish

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 02:36

Watchthesunrise · 19/09/2022 02:17

I would be happy to pay half. And it wouldn't crossy mind to be upset about it.

Then you clearly haven’t read my thread from the start .

OP posts:
LostInSpaceRaiders · 19/09/2022 02:39

I think your friend has behaved sub par. If I invited someone to dinner, and then elected to get a take away for ease that I insisted on choosing too, knowing that it’s a bit more than the norm, then I would 100% pay. Does your friend present you with the supermarket receipt and ask you to pay for half the ingredients if you go to their home for a meal too? Or is it just when it’s something really pricy they like you to subsidise it?

Bit of a shitty friend to not consider that times are hard and that you might not have the funds for that. That’s a good chunk of someone’s weekly shopping bill for very little food to show for it. I have a friend who’s single and in a cruddy situation at the moment, I wouldn't dream of getting her to put in £45 for takeaway… she wouldn’t take advantage either, sometimes I will cover expenses if we’re doing something that is in my budget and not hers. It’s what being a good friend is about… truly knowing that person and their circumstances, and supporting them to thrive in their life, not benefitting from putting them in awkward situations and covering your takeaway bill!

I have all spectrums of friends, if we agree to a night in with food, then either the host cooks (and the guests bring dessert, sufficient drinks, nibbles and such like), or if we pre-agree on a takeaway then we pitch in for the bill, fair enough. But would we expect someone to put in a completely unequal share of money? Not a chance - we do have a “calculated to the last penny” member of the group who will PayPal their share to whomever had paid, but the rest of us would just split as we saw fit. I remember calculator lady once dropping an extra 8p through my door once when she thought she’d underpaid god love her! 😂

Krabapple · 19/09/2022 02:41

I would have expected to pay but divided it by 6 and paid 2 times that. That’s an expensive takeaway though. When we have done that it usually works out about £8 each (ish) and that’s loads of food.

giveovernate · 19/09/2022 02:52

She was rude!

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 02:56

@LostInSpaceRaiders ,

Thank you for your post.

I can only think my “friend” thought I was a easy touch as I never say NO.
Whether it’s £10 for a rickshaw or pay for her round of drinks as she is in the toilet when the credit card machine arrives in a bar.
It all adds up .

OP posts:
Blueink · 19/09/2022 03:02

You shouldn’t have had to pay that much if your food came to £24. I don’t think I would’ve asked you to pay anything had I been her, but probably you would have been better to offer to pay for your dishes out of politeness. Then you wouldn’t have been surprised and asked for £45.