Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 19/09/2022 08:23

If you invite someone over for dinner then you provide it. The exception being if you make it clear you want them to bring X Y or Z.
If you as the host then decide you can’t/won’t cook then you should pay for the alternative. At the very least the op should only pay for her order. The friend was a cf.

AprilRae91 · 19/09/2022 08:24

I would always expect to pay my share when ordering a takeaway, yes. It’s expensive I wouldn’t want a friend to be out of pocket.

adriftabroad · 19/09/2022 08:25

AprilRae91 · 19/09/2022 08:24

I would always expect to pay my share when ordering a takeaway, yes. It’s expensive I wouldn’t want a friend to be out of pocket.

Have you read the thread?

lightisnotwhite · 19/09/2022 08:25

@Cosmos123 Why not say something though? The CF friend wouldn’t have any idea she’d pissed off her friend and the impact it will have on every meal/outing after that. Just be open about it. It’s not a judgement on her but what happened at that meal.

BringMeTea · 19/09/2022 08:27

If someone invites you for dinner in their home THEY should be providing the food free. Simple as that.

DeclansAFeckingDream · 19/09/2022 08:27

We're going for a takeaway at a friend's house next weekend with another couple (3 couples) and will expect that we split the cost in 3. I wouldn't even consider letting them pay for the whole thing.

adriftabroad · 19/09/2022 08:28

In front of my DD I would have reacted as the OP did, @lightisnotwhite

This was a reunion with children and an invitation for dinner. Not a night in with your bestie and a bottle or two of wine.

OP acted accordingly, the host did not.

The OP is not asking for an argument, I imagine she is sick of people who have not read the thread.

Blinkingheckythump · 19/09/2022 08:28

I originally voted yabu, because you didn't put enough info in your opening post. You made it sound like you were at a friend's and dinner time approached so they suggested ordering a takeaway, in that case you would be unreasonable not to expect to pay for your share (not a lot more than you ordered to supplement her order tho) but to be invited around for dinner and they order a takeaway, you shouldn't be expected to pay. Those are 2 very different circumstances

DeclansAFeckingDream · 19/09/2022 08:29

I should say though, that this invitation is 'for a takeaway' and not round for a meal that they are making. So it feel different.

DeclansAFeckingDream · 19/09/2022 08:30

I will also say that I'm reading this on my phone and originally it was only showing 1 page so I hadn't seen the OPs updates. 😂

adriftabroad · 19/09/2022 08:32

DeclansAFeckingDream · 19/09/2022 08:29

I should say though, that this invitation is 'for a takeaway' and not round for a meal that they are making. So it feel different.

Yes, it does feel different, because it is.

3 couples "come round for a takeaway" vs 4 DCs, 2 adults, "come round for dinner" guest takes appropriate generous gift and only has 1 child.

NOT the same at all.Correct.

Caroffee · 19/09/2022 08:33

If she invited you for dinner, she is being unreasonable. If she suggested it off the cuff, she is not being unreasonable but you should only have had to pay for the dishes you and your daughter ordered rather thsn subsidising her kids by paying half for six of you.

Jets121 · 19/09/2022 08:33

Personally I would always offer to pay my half unless the friend had clearly said it was her treat.

You are also unreasonable for the comment about her having a large house. Not everyone with a large house has loads of spare cash, especially if they have 3 kids.

But she was unreasonable to charge you half, if there was 4 of her family eating & 2 of your family (unless her kids are babies & yours is a hungry teenager)

Davethecat2000 · 19/09/2022 08:34

I reckon you both had a drink, then the friend introduced the idea of pushing the boat out and ordering the pish Chinese in.

You were bang up for it, and presumed that your friend would pay (never presume) and she presumed you'd pay half (ditto).

You should have said something like ' that sounds like a great idea, we'll order ours and give you the £.

You didn't, you presumed she'd pay and she didn't. She presumed you'd pay half the total bill ( not on either, but here is where communication comes in handy), and you didn't say anything..

When I go over to my best mates, or she to me we pretty much always get a Chinese, and we do the usual ' I'll pay half', but whoever is hosting normally insists on paying.

You need to communicate or be brave and speak up!

Lcb123 · 19/09/2022 08:37

I think that’s pretty cheeky, if a friend asked me for dinner I’d assume they were cooking and I’d bring some wine or chocolates. If they asked me to come round for a takeaway I’d assume we’d split the takeaway as it’s probably pricier than cooking a meal. Also her share would definitely have cost more with 3 kids

Pigsinmuck · 19/09/2022 08:37

avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:45

Sorry yes a orchid .
I have 5 of them in my home at the moment .

M&S have them on sale at the moment .

People are being unnecessarily unkind about the use of orchard not orchid.

An orchid is the plant you took.

An orchard is a whole field of fruit trees.

TolkiensFallow · 19/09/2022 08:39

I’ve read all the OP’s posts - and I do think the friend is a CF. When she invited you for dinner, she should have been clearer it was for takeaway and she has form for taking advantage of you financially.

In a restaurant I’m a splitter - but also if it’s 2 family’s and one is double the size, the bigger family should offer to pay more. This is what my friends always do. But if I’m invited for - takeaway at someone’s house I would expect to pay my share of the bill only unless all dishes are being shared.

I think at the point she asked what you wanted you should have twigged you’d be asked to pay but paying half was her being a CF and you should practice bring more assertive in the future.

if you aren’t assertive perhaps in future say “Text me your details and I’ll transfer the money later” then you can work out what you owe and text to say you are paying that.

You we’re invited to her house for dinner and it end up costing you £71 in a gift, Prosecco and food!

user1471538283 · 19/09/2022 08:40

Your friend is taking you for a mug. Even if you were expecting to pay your own share you do not pay half! I wouldnt do this to my friends.

And you took her gifts clearly expecting her to provide dinner as she said.

She has no class. I wouldnt bother with her again.

Pigsinmuck · 19/09/2022 08:40

I think it’s very presumptuous of your friend to assume you had spare cash for a takeaway when you were invited round for dinner.

if I was invited for dinner at a friends house I would bring a bottle or dessert and assume the meal was provided.

If I was invited round for a takeaway I would assume I was paying half.

I would be annoyed if I was invited for dinner which turned into a takeaway because I wouldn’t have budgeted for a £45 spend; especially after already buying a gift and wine etc.

I think your friend should have been clear up front about the evenings plans.

benning · 19/09/2022 08:42

SpinningFloppa · 19/09/2022 00:53

i often go to my sisters house for a takeaway but it’s usually agreed in advance and I always pay for my own but you could have said no, you didn’t have to agree to a takeaway I wouldn’t have expected anyone to pay for my take away If you didn’t want order you could have said no?

She didn’t agree in advance. It was sprung upon her.

What was she supposed to do, say no, you must cook for us? Or offer to cook instead when it wasn’t her house?

DucklingDaisy · 19/09/2022 08:44

If I was invited over specifically for dinner, took gifts, and then was asked to pay my share of a takeaway I’d feel a bit put out. If I was asked to pay more than my share, as the OP was, I would be deeply annoyed.

Readaboutyourself · 19/09/2022 08:44

YANBU. If you’re invited to dinner then you should receive dinner without paying. I would have offered to contribute out of British politeness but wouldn’t have expected the offer to be accepted.

lightisnotwhite · 19/09/2022 08:47

@adriftabroad yes I get that. It’s too late to do anything about what happened then. But they have to see each other again and Op is rightly clearly narked by this. If she says something the CF will know in future to be more careful.

benning · 19/09/2022 08:47

Blinkingheckythump · 19/09/2022 08:28

I originally voted yabu, because you didn't put enough info in your opening post. You made it sound like you were at a friend's and dinner time approached so they suggested ordering a takeaway, in that case you would be unreasonable not to expect to pay for your share (not a lot more than you ordered to supplement her order tho) but to be invited around for dinner and they order a takeaway, you shouldn't be expected to pay. Those are 2 very different circumstances

@Blinkingheckythump

Did you not see the bit that said:

I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner

I’m struggling to understand what’s ambiguous about this.

jetadore · 19/09/2022 08:47

Jets121 · 19/09/2022 08:33

Personally I would always offer to pay my half unless the friend had clearly said it was her treat.

You are also unreasonable for the comment about her having a large house. Not everyone with a large house has loads of spare cash, especially if they have 3 kids.

But she was unreasonable to charge you half, if there was 4 of her family eating & 2 of your family (unless her kids are babies & yours is a hungry teenager)

Why are you pulling OP for this large house thing, and ignoring the fact they ordered a £90 takeaway. Hardly suggests struggling with 3 kids and no spare cash.