How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

@Anxious32 - first sentence of this post - you’ve answered your own question!!

Keep reminding yourself she is a CF.

Absolutely. You are a nice person and want to be a good neighbour. She is a CF who wants to take advantage of you. Don't get involved!

You're not even thanked for a while, it's expected of you

This is so true. I will always give lifts and help where I can on an ad hoc basis but am v wary of regular arrangements now.

I had the same child come to mine every week between school and an activity as we lived next door to school and was supposed to be only half an hour after after school club. Children not particularly close friends.

Ended up being three hours from end of school with me wfh.

After two terms I said it wouldn't work for me anymore as I had a new job. No thanks, just 'that's understandable'.

Never again.

Just say, no, that won't work for me. Don't offer an excuse she can argue with. It's more about the childminding aspect. Caring for another child is a big responsibility. The way she has gone about it is passive aggressive, using the child. Next she will want the child fed and will be off doing crucial tasks and you will be left with her kid. No.

Just say it sounds lovely and you would if you could but you cant as you have other personal family things that go on around pick up and drop off so you aren't able to help because each day is different. Explain that you are in a situation where you can't give so you don't ask either.

If you live next door and travelling to the same place, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give them a lift? Even if you change your schedule, you’re still going to need to get your own child to school and if you have an honest conversation, you can simply let each other know when it’s not convenient.

Maybe you’ll need your neighbours help when you get sick? I often give lifts to friend’s kids if they need a favour. When my son missed his school bus because the class were let out late, my friend went and collected him and her son and brought him home.

Years ago, my brother used to walk 20 mins into town to catch the ordinary passenger bus to his Grammar school in the nearby bigger town. Some days it was raining and occasionally snowing.

Next door attached neighbour worked in the same school as a woodwork teacher and drove his own son there every single day. He never once offered to take my brother with them.

He was a nasty fecker who looked down on our family and would make snide comments from time to time. When my mum died, we told them they weren’t welcome at the funeral.

This.

Giving excuses implies you feel you need to explain yourself, this flags weakness.

You don't know this woman, she is nothing to you.

Keeping it very simple that "it wouldn't work for you", that you "don't want any commitments", that "it doesn't suit you", are all short and sweet.

Say I have to go and walk away. Don't stand around and discuss or argue the point.

If she comes to the door, say No and you are in the middle of stuff.

I'm sorry that you have a new neighbour like this, but the best thing you can do right now is be VERY COOL and FROSTY.

Avoid her. Do not give ANY friendly vibes off.

She has told you of her intention to impose.

Back way off from her.

It will make it so much easier to say NO if you have been very cool with her.

If you live next door and travelling to the same place, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give them a lift?
Its a massive responsibility, what happens if the OP’s child is sick or they don’t want to lose their one to one time in the car, the OP’s DC wants to start a motioning club or after school club etc etc.
Helping out in an emergency is very different to a full time commitment.

Yes, it’s culturally a Brit thing whereby some people would rather tie themselves up in knots than have an honest straightforward conversation with someone they don’t know very well.

It’s completely bonkers and alien to many other cultures. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s a bit off topic but why on earth has this person chosen a school that it is hard to get to in the morning? I mean, it is entirely possible that the OP and her neighbour don’t live in the centre of a town or city - but even so, primary schools are not that remote.

Also, I agree with happyinherts. It’s actually more polite to be direct in this case. You don’t know your schedule so wouldn’t want to commit.

And for God’s sake, leave your mobile off in the morning before school. Mornings are complicated enough without having to deal with someone else’s endless last minute emergencies.

If she asks say “honestly, I’d prefer not to. I was in a rota in my last school and I found it too restricting”. End of.

It probably is a British thing - most of us would prefer to not come across as rude or hurt someone's feeling unnecessarily. A little lie just smooths future social interactions, which is handy if you live next door to someone and also if you are a person who is easily put upon. The world is full of of cheeky fuckers who take ruthless advantage! It's not like anyone is advocating a lie which causes harm.
Some other cultures prefer the direct approach but to many Brits this sounds too blunt and insensitive.

Very true.

A good friend of mine lived near her primary school and had to turn her phone off an hour before cut off time as half a dozen parents started contacting her regularly to grab their child as they "stuck" for an hour.

It was happening several days a week so she just had to cease answering her phone and go cold turkey.

Bonkers.

You don't have to be rude, neither do you have to make out that you are a nervous type or an alcoholic to be able to say that you can't do something.

It's really not a "Brit thing" - I don't know anyone who behaves like this in real.

On Mumsnet the default is to come up with the most ridiculous suggestion to every AIBU - they wouldn't actually do it themselves.

You could ask her directly "Are you suggesting a lift share, or are you hoping I'll take both kids to and from school?"

And then say "I'll think about it and let you know"

Then send a polite, friendly, firm reply

It does seem a bit mean not to help if you're travelling to school anyway, but I can understand concerns about being taken for granted or being late

It’s not a ‘Brit’ thing, it’s a ‘doormat’ thing.

@DeadDonkey I don't think we struggle to say we can't do a particular thing. I think the problem arises for some people when they can do it and just don't want to! They feel rude refusing, as if not wanting to isn't a good enough reason. I think a lot of us don't know how to politely decline, hence the excuses - they give everyone an 'out' while maintaining social niceties.

If op just tells her neighbour that she doesn't want to, that would be great for avoiding CF requests but might make living next door a bit awkward.

I like the idea of telling the neighbour it's your one to one time with your child. That is probably better than saying you are a nervous driver.

I don't understand people who would be quite happy allowing a total stranger to drive their kids to school though - this neighbour has only met the OP for a few minutes at a time. She's got no idea if she's a good driver or a decent person.
And if you can, it's a nice thing to take your own children to school, have a chat etc.

Neighbour already sounds like a victim type.

“Really sorry, but I fit my errands and visits into the school runs, so that wouldn’t work.”

Other than that, no sympathy! She’ll suck it down like Coca Cola.

I would have been really cross with the sheer ASSUMPTION. (Though the kid may have got it wrong??)

NO THANKS.

Much better to let a friendship develop and then have someone to each fall back on in an emergency…,

Don't do it. My dad did for 3 years and the other child would completely blank us at school. It meant we couldn't go out afterwards and was so awkward. I don't drive so I walk my kids to school, one of my neighbours goes the same way but has never offered and I wouldn't ask her.

If she asks I'd say no because it's inconvenient. If you feel you need to explain beyond this say you take your child to activity straight after or you go to a relatives after school. I'd simply say though that I didn't want to be responsible for another child.

You've obviously never been on the receiving end of a cf.
They won't stop with the lift.
They never do.