How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

I am such a sucker for this sort of thing. It's taken me years to grow out of it and stop being such a people pleaser.

A couple of things helped me change.

Firstly, I realised my own kids were suffering minor and less minor inconveniences because I was trying to be nice to other people's.

Secondly, I realised people don't value this sort of favour. Inside, they see you as a sucker and someone not worthy of help in return.

True friends really value mutual help, and will always suggest it.

This person is a chancer and I suspect it will start with requests for lifts, and then it will be taking in parcels, feeding their exotic pets whilst they are away, and oh it's OK if you look after little johnny in the holidays right, cos it's just so difficult for me to look after them what with my lumbago/ migraines/ general malingering.

Honestly, the only people who have ever asked me this sort of thing have turned out to be utter takers.

Absolutely not. Don't agree to it. If she is rude enough to ask say you have a strange work schedule and things change last minute so sometimes your son may be at breakfast club and then you have to go random places after school at last minute so you cantcommit to anyday. And then just do your normal school run at normal time and go home at normal time and hope by then she's found this post and realises it's aimed at her so she won't dare ask again.

I never know why on these threads, when OP has clearly started that she really doesn’t want to do something, you still get posters suggesting ways for her to do it.

The cheek of her to even ask!
”Sorry no, the school runs are my special time between me and DS. So won’t work for me. sorry.” Then remain silent.

I would say that I can't be relied on to leave at the same time every day and that I might go via another route at a different time depending on what I've got planned to do.

Is the deliberate lying a British thing? I have a drink problem? I'm a nervous driver? Just why? If you don't want to do something, just don't - but why lie about it and risk being found out as a liar? Most odd.

If and only if she asks outright I would laugh and say Oh no. Been there done that and it did not work for us at all. She sounds like the type of person who you give an inch to she takes a mile. Nip this one right in the bud.

I agree

Both of these.

OP, you now know you are moving next door to a CF.

You have been warned.

She doesn't give a shite if it suits you or not.

All she cares about is she thinks she has found a convenient mug to impose upon.

The ball is in your court.

On a very few occasions I obliged friends very briefly with lifts, for an illness or hospital stay etc.

My children were always glad when the car went back to just us.
It felt more comfortable.

There is no way I would give up my chat in the car with my child for some CF that I don't know.

Keep reminding yourself she is a CF.

What if your child doesn't like this child?
What if you find the child irritating?

You don't know these people.

I would be so wary and would really be aloof and keep my distance.

People like this never make good neighbours so start as you mean to go.

Exactly.

Not one of the suggested lies on this thread is better than the simple truth.

I’d hate to also have to take another child to school, that’s my time with my little one. Also agree with the after school stuff, we regularly go off and do something on my day off (and even more so while I’m on mat leave).

Yanbu. I would hate this obligation as well. You're neighbours so getting into such an arrangement could also lead to difficult living situation if there are issues. I wouldn't engage with any conversations like this, if she starts talking about it change the topic or just give her a blank look without offering. She will get the hint.

You havent even moved in yet and shes trying to push her narrative.

She doesnt even know you but you have been given a girt.You now know shes a CF.
Keep her at arms length.

I'm always shocked that people are willing to hand over their children to someone they barely know. I couldn't imagine allowing my child to jump in the car with a stranger just because they lived next door.

She’s a chancer

people like that spot a soft touch (you)

she’ll trick you into it, and it’s not right to just demand this

a fair thing would be to lift share (ie taking turns), can’t you see that?

she’s shown who she is, so be careful

and don’t worry about her not liking you. She won’t like you any more for doing this chore for her, she may pretend to like you though…

I am so fed up of people like this!

Why the hell would you even suggest this.

To be honest I can't see the problem with taking him to school on the understanding he must be ready on time as you won't wait. Sounds like that's all that has been mentioned. Doesn't mean you have to commit to the return journey. Simply say no to that if it doesn't suit.

This first sentence is in essence what you tell her.

yanbu

Absolutely. She's literally a vulture, jumping on a possible opportunity.

I can be a doormat too and this would be upsetting me like it is you, at a really stressful time for you. It's so selfish that she is a stranger and feels she can just put this on you.

Don't get into it OP whatever you do, she is being completely unreasonable making this assumption, it's really rude.

It's an uncomfortable situation but much better to deal with it now than have to fall out with her in six months time when you've had enough of the situation! She needs to know you're not going to be a doormat now.

I did do the car share trips with a school mum .
We were about 3 miles from the school and when she had a baby I offered to do mornings so she could sort baby out. She would drive the children home.
My Child hated it, with a passion.

It's the fact she has been obviously hinting at her son to say something. Maybe deliberately? Otherwise, he wouldn't just have assumed that.
I would say be careful here, it'll be other things in the future. Staying over for meals/sleepovers/other lifts & favours here or there.
No need to ask, she'll get her son to do it.
Fine if you want to, but not great if you don't.

Pushy people are everywhere, had the same when my DC were young. Yes, they would get offended if I made polite excuses, but looking back it was their issue not mine.

Do your backseats go flat? Could you put them down and put some stuff in the boot and just say you can't use the back seats for the time being?

Wait for her to ask outright, and tell the truth. " I can't to commit to anything because I'm going to start a new job, x may have to go into breakfast club/ childminder in the mornings."

No it's not. I'm sure whichever paradise on Earth you come from people do stupid things that make you go: "But why didn't you just..?"

British people are capable of receiving a request and weighing up whether it will suit us or not or might suit with some adjustments. If it doesn't work out we say: "It's not working out so I'm going to stop doing it." We usually put a sorry in there but that's just to soften the blow. It doesn't really mean we're tormented by deep regret.

I presume this is not particular to any nationality it's just called being a grown up. Scrub that, I learned to do it as a child as many other British children do.

In your rush to claim cultural superiority - maybe that's a national stereotype of yours - you are confusing being British with being on Mumsnet where some people, though not all, see Cheeky Fuckery behind every simple request and don't like people parking outside their house.

Remember OP, this is not a woman you are going to want to be involved with or friends with.

She will be someone you will want to actively avoid.

She has shown you the type she is.
You will ALWAYS have to be alert to her, anytime she approaches you, as her type are always out for something.

She cares NOTHING for YOUR opinion of her.
All she cares about is what she can get out of you.

You will be kicking yourself if you agreee ANYTHING, because it will be far messier to extract yourself afterwards.

Far better say "afraid not, I don't EVER commit to arrangements like that, as they wouldn't suit us".

Look her straight in the eye.

I would strongly suggest you start practicing in the mirror a variety of answers to questions.

"Sorry doesn't suit me". Is fast.
Do not linger, always be rushing to be somewhere.

Don't be the least bit surprised if she doesn't let it go.
Her type don't give a shit, they will try and push and push hoping they can bully you into doing what suits them.

Don't give her your number either, people like her love to text asking for favours of those around her.

I have had my own experience of a neighbour like that years ago wanting to impose.

After telling her that "sharing lifts to activities" that she wasn't really available to do anyway, didn't suit me, she continued to text.

I no longer replied to her texts.
I said it didn't suit, and refused to engage further on the matter.

She had her nose out of joint for a long time and I simply pretended not to notice.

These people are EVERYWHERE.