How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”

’’what time will NDN need you there for drop off? Ask your friend to check with their mum when you’ll be leaving”

I get really awkward about confrontation (and yes, I'm such a people-pleaser I view simply saying "no" to someone as confrontation ) but I agree with PPs about the fact that CFs have a hide like a rhino. If you give an inch, they will clamp on and not let go.

For example, if you said "I'm looking for a new job so I don't know what my schedule will be", my concern is that she would ask you to give her kid a lift until you found a job, at which time she would then guilt you into setting off extra early so you could still do the drop-off each morning. Or if you agreed to the morning but not the afternoon, she would have a sudden emergency at 3pm, which would then be twice a week, then three times. If you leave a sliver of opportunity, a CF will grab it.

"I'd be happy to alternate morning drop-off with you. I won't be able to do any afternoon pick-ups though - it doesn't work with our after-school commitments."

Its so sad that people see using the word 'no' as rude or confrontational. How you react when other people say it to you?

I'm not the best person to ask. I'm ND and have crippling Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I rarely ask for anything out of fear the person will say no and if they do, I feel so embarrassed by it I want to go and live in a hedge somewhere so I never have to speak to anyone again.

Definitely not the typical response to a rejection

I had no idea that was a thing.
I often joke about wanting to be a hermit because frankly I find other people hard work and don't fit in. Ironically I think that's why I have no trouble saying 'no'.

@Thelnebriati it's definitely a thing - it goes hand in hand with ADHD

(sorry for derailing, OP!)

You don’t want to, yet so many people are trying to tell you to do it! FFS. Cheeky fuckers IRL are out in force.

Wait for her to ask outright and then say breezily ‘oh, that doesn’t work for us sorry!’. If she pushes it you can say something like ‘I find it less stressful to only have to think about ourselves with the school run haha’, but you don’t have to explain yourself.

some people are so cheeky they think nothing of asking for massive favours like this: you need to grow a backbone to defend your time and energy from them!

I had a new coworker start once, who said they didn’t know the way to the train station at the end of the day. I wasn’t in a rush and it was on my way back so I kindly offered to take them. Before getting out of the car they tried to suggest we could make this a regular occurrence ‘seeing as we’re going the same way’. Cheeky cunt wasn’t offering to share lifts (as she didn’t have a car) and didn’t offer petrol money, not that either would have made a difference. I just laughed and said ‘oh, no thanks!’ and she got out looking a bit perplexed. Some people.

Yes, you just have to be very blunt and clear and do not give explanations. I remember when I bought my current car the garage was asking me again and again for the reasons why I was rejecting all their add ons, insurance and all sorts. I just said no and eventually said - "I have no obligation to tell you my reasons". As soon as you start telling salesmen (or a neighbour) your reasons they use that as their way in to dispute what you are saying. If you give no reasons they cannot.

Just be honest. Say what you put here ….. that you don’t know your schedule and don’t want to be tied down. I really can’t get my head around the concept of thinking that asking for help is cheeky though. We are all in this together. Let’s help each other where we can. Maybe one day you will need help from your NDN.

I would avoid taking the hint no matter how blunt until she asks directly. When she does, I would simply say I’m so sorry would love to help but it just won’t work with our schedule. You don’t have to explain any further and just duck the conversation if she tries to extract an excuse or further explanation. You don’t have to give anyone a lift and you don’t have to explain why. I find people rude and expectant these days. The reality is you don’t know your schedule and it could cause you a great inconvenience once you have a job. Tell your son he is mistaken, it won’t be happening.

'I don't know my schedule so don't want to commit to anything.' This is a perfect response OP! 🙂

Yeah you need to channel your inner Phoebe Buffey: "Oh I wish I could, but I don't want to' 😂

Helping out in an emergency is an entirely different thing from a regular commitment.

. I really can’t get my head around the concept of thinking that asking for help is cheeky though. We are all in this together. Let’s help each other where we can

I would agree IF I knew her longer than 15 minutes! I’m essentially a stranger and she is hinting at a huge ask. Fair play a few weeks or months into knowing her but it is cheeky. Would you agree to give a total strangers kid a life just cos you happen to live close by? It’s easy to say you would help others out but reality is most people would t inconvenience themselves. I have been a doormat my entire life and in past would have already offered due to her hints. I’m really trying to make my life easier and not inconvenience my family. The days my husband will be going into office we wouldn’t even have a seat free for him. I have tendency to think of other peoples needs to the detriment of my own hence why I posted this as if I was t such a people pleaser saying No would be no big deal for me but as it stands it’s really making me feel guilty

What about just stating that you aren't comfortable being responsible for someone else's child. Only yours.

You need to lie. You very rarely come straight home, you have friends you will be visiting now and then straight after school, he might be having piano lessons on Tuesdays, and your plans can change mid-day, so you couldn’t commit - it just wouldn’t be fair.
And then be steely firm about it. “I’m sorry, it’s no.”

Apologies for the typos! As you can tell I’ve given this issue so much headspace recently that’s all I can think of!

You could say you’re quite an anxious person and you don’t want the responsibility, I can’t drive very far since I had my little boy

But has she asked for you to take her son or is she suggesting sharing the lifts.
Why is she also at the school 30 mins away?
Just say sure thing, when my kid is more settled. Shall we look at it after half term? But not always as you hate the pressure in case either of you are ill one day. Just make it a once a week thing. For her and for you. Job done.

Yes to explain your current situation and you could also add depending on new job times you're looking breakfast clubs, wrap around care etc and turn it back as a hint for her to help you? Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know...

My advice if she asks is to be completely honest and say that you don't have a set schedule yet so wouldn't be able to guarantee your availability so you respectfully would prefer not to carpool her child for the time being and that perhaps once you know your schedule you can trial it for a day or two? That way you are being polite and setting a boundary.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.
I wouldn't offer this to anyone because I am not prepared to be responsible for someone's child.

Next time she says about how annoying the school run is, just say "Oh that's a shame, "I really enjoy the time alone with my son during the journey. It has become a lovely time to chat with him. I'm so glad we get this time to bond everyday"

@Anxious32 honestly, I think you are catastrophising a little on this ( and I understand that as prone to the same). It may be that she just mentioned to her son “ oh I might look into a lift share. Do you like x?” to sound her son out and that’s got translated to “ we’re going to school together” by him because that’s what kids do. I wouldn’t necessarily take a hard line unless she takes the piss but I’d be clear that it’s a reciprocal arrangement only - it may be she has certain days that are difficult and others that aren’t so she might do three days in return for the two that are causing stress for example. So basically in your position I wouldn’t set a hard line till I know what she wants as it may be mutually advantageous.

I would say you leave at different times and have commitments after school some.dsys .
I dont like giving lifts...my son dislikes too...I actually enjoy the time in the car to chat to my child.
As Grange Hill said...just say no