Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often married/long term couples intimate?

145 replies

Queenieloveforever · 17/09/2022 20:30

If you are married or in a long term relationship how often are you intimate with your partner? Honestly!

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 18/09/2022 00:42

Blossom4538 · 17/09/2022 23:40

Together 20 years, from a young age. No sex, the last time was around 9 years ago.
It makes me feel really sad. I am considering leaving the marriage, but not sure if it seems silly to take such drastic action. I feel very low.
Massages, cuddles and snuggles on sofa though. I care a lot for him

Since you are still close in other ways, probably worth couples counselling.

AnneinNoviaScotia · 18/09/2022 01:00

30 years married. Average about 2-3 times a week. Might be less if one of us is stressed by work. Might be a bit more if we are on holidays. These days we rarely have sex two days in a row - we used to do that a fair bit back in the day.

But I have to say (and dh will agree) sex in our 50s has never been better. We've figured out what works, we've lost any inhibitions. I was so gorgeous when in my 20s but I'm having better sex now. And don't worry about pregnancy

We always prioritised sex even when we were in the throes of toddlers/babies.

And being able to actually vocalise during sex (since kids all moved out/went to college) - that was amazing

WaitingForEgg · 18/09/2022 01:00

Married 12 years
1 x child and currently heavily pregnant
currently every day. Sometimes this is multiple times per day. I would say 3 times per week when we are very very busy but both get a bit grumpy. Obviously not currently relevant but we still have sex when I am on my period.

Sometimeswinning · 18/09/2022 01:24

WaitingForEgg · 18/09/2022 01:00

Married 12 years
1 x child and currently heavily pregnant
currently every day. Sometimes this is multiple times per day. I would say 3 times per week when we are very very busy but both get a bit grumpy. Obviously not currently relevant but we still have sex when I am on my period.

Do either of you work or play with your child? Im extremely skeptical of anyone more than 3 times a week with children and jobs!

Annabananna1 · 18/09/2022 02:04

Once every 10days usually. But over our 16 year relationship it has ebbed and flowed. Sometimes it's been daily, other times nada for 3 months.
There's no normal.

WaitingForEgg · 18/09/2022 02:11

Sometimeswinning · 18/09/2022 01:24

Do either of you work or play with your child? Im extremely skeptical of anyone more than 3 times a week with children and jobs!

Show quote history

DH works part time (company director) I’m a full time doctor. Yes we play with our child! Sex isn’t a several hour situation! We do prioritise our relationship (as well as our child) and if I’m honest don’t have many hobbies. This is just how our sex drives are. I would say when work has been hectic (when I was still in a hospital setting) we would be intimate maybe 3 times per week. But it certainly effected our relationship. I find it interesting people don’t make negative comments about those who have less sex…

Chloefairydust · 18/09/2022 02:38

Been with my partner for 5 years, and we are still very close, but not at it like rabbits like we were at the beginning of the relationship. I think it’s normal for passion to slow down a little once you have been together a number of years. Saying that we probably have sex on average 4 times a week, we are both busy with work, but no children. We are very close and affectionate, sleep cuddling in bed and cuddle up on the couch, give each other massages etc … There’s still a lot of intimacy in our relationship.

oatmilkicedchai · 18/09/2022 04:10

Blossom4538 · 17/09/2022 23:40

Together 20 years, from a young age. No sex, the last time was around 9 years ago.
It makes me feel really sad. I am considering leaving the marriage, but not sure if it seems silly to take such drastic action. I feel very low.
Massages, cuddles and snuggles on sofa though. I care a lot for him

I am really sorry to hear this @Blossom4538 . I can relate as I was in a very similar situation until 3 years ago, not marriage but LTR where the sex had been zero for over half of the relationship by the end, but still very tactile with hugs and massages and hand holding etc.

Do you mind me asking why this is the case for you? Is it that your DP/H has lost his libido / or does not want to have sex with you specifically?

I hope that things can improve for you, whether you stay or go. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor together for a few sessions? It helped us to communicate better about the issue.

J93 · 18/09/2022 04:17

Doubt 1 year is a long time but we sometimes do it 4 times a day, but generally it's twice a day, the bare minimum is once a day

Chloefairydust · 18/09/2022 04:21

J93 · 18/09/2022 04:17

Doubt 1 year is a long time but we sometimes do it 4 times a day, but generally it's twice a day, the bare minimum is once a day

4 times a day? 😮 … How do you have time to do anything else with your day? 😂

slipperfsce · 18/09/2022 04:21

how do you fit it in 4 x a day? do you have dc?

Farmerazza · 18/09/2022 04:29

Eupraxia · 17/09/2022 20:40

Met in 1996.
Married in 2003
Children in 2004, 2005, 3009, 2014
Very happily married with 4 children 7-18

"intimate" is a subjective word.

Sex - hardly ever. We both have low libidos and very, very busy family lives it will be years between times we have sex. Neither of us are bothered

Closeness - constantly. We are very tactile. We hug, kiss, snog daily. We sit close on the sofa and tickle, snuggle, etc all the time. Intimacy is a constant daily, hourly, thing when we are together.

How did you manage that? Can I borrow your Time Machine please?

YukoandHiro · 18/09/2022 04:33

At the moment only about once a month. It's not enough and it's an issue. It's a combination of factors - DH works shifts so only actually around in the evening after the kids are in bed a couple of night. Plus we have two young children (5 and 1), I am exhausted and still breastfeeding and have zero drive. I'm trying, but probably not hard enough. We talk about it a lot and he says it's fine but I know he's unhappy about it.

J93 · 18/09/2022 05:30

They are quickies of course, just a good 15 mins or less otherwise I would be too sore, proper foreplay, massage and longer sex is once a week because my partner works 6 days a week

DancingBudgie · 18/09/2022 07:01

As often or as little as the couple like.
I don't understand this weird interest in other people's sex lives.

whereareyounoww · 18/09/2022 12:46

I am absolutely astounded at how many people have sex almost daily. Hand on heart, I think I'd get bored.

Blossom4538 · 18/09/2022 16:40

@AnnieSnap and @oatmilkicedchai thanks so much for your replies. I just don’t think I could ever fancy having sex with him again, I don’t know why. I have a good sex drive and miss that side of things. Like I said, we are close and care for each other a lot. I’m not sure whether counselling will help.

@oatmilkicedchai Did it help you guys or did you decide to separate and was it due to this, hope you don’t mind me asking!

Were you happier afterwards and did you meet anyone else?

BaileySharp · 18/09/2022 16:59

Couple of times a month? Between our health issues and 3 year old usually it can be difficult to feel well enough and awake enough in evening. I actually prefer morning sex but that's rare with DD waking up before we get chance

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 18/09/2022 17:03

Abo..ut 3 times a week on average. Sometimes once a week, on holiday every day, during good spells 5-6 times a week. Just varies. We have three kids, two are under three, and full on jobs, so it's not usually a two hour session with accessories...

Mybumlooksbig · 18/09/2022 23:14

Married 18 years.
Young children.

One child in bed with us most nights....

Once very 6 months 😥

HappyBinosaur · 18/09/2022 23:25

Twice a week usually (although more if we are off work). Together 24 years, both work full time and 3 dc, teenagers.

TOADfan · 18/09/2022 23:33

Married 4 years, together 15. No kids.

At the start of our relationship was 4 times a day and that lasted about 4 years and then moved to a few times a week however lately about once a month. We both have had health issues including me being in my period constantly since July. Both really stressed with work and other issues.

I don't really miss it tbh.

AbcMurders · 18/09/2022 23:42

@Queenieloveforever
been together for over 15 years
was more frequently in the first ten years, at least every other day, usually more often.
now it’s a couple of times a week, and that’s with us both being away with work v frequently - what are your stats?

dotdotdotdash · 18/09/2022 23:54

@Sometimeswinning how do you know doing it 4 times a week is regimented? You have no idea of their circumstances. Does it bother you that some people have a lot of sex? And if so, why? I’m not having a go - just take an interest in your own reactions and what they might mean

Disneyblueeyes · 18/09/2022 23:55

DancingBudgie · 18/09/2022 07:01

As often or as little as the couple like.
I don't understand this weird interest in other people's sex lives.

It's because people feel insecure about it and want to know what's 'normal' so they can decide if they need to worry or not.
Thing is you can have sex a couple of times a year and be perfectly happy with that. What matters is if both parties are happy.