To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

A good friend would not have applied for the same job that you had applied for and were really hoping to get.

She didn't need to complete against you.

Just because you can do something, it doesn't mean you should.

Why was she even talking about you in her interview? I'd be very wary about what she actually has said.

Unfortunately, I think you will struggle to remain good friends after this - but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Why can’t you just be honest and say you’re gutted you didn’t get the job? Don’t make it about her - make it about you and how you feel. It’s fine to want to not talk about it and therefore have a bit of space from her.

If you can get your money back, or rebook, it's not petty. You aren't obliged to suck it up and travel with her after she did you a terrible wrong. Think of the 10k salary bump you're not getting because of her.

@Champagnesupamother missed the post about the weekend. Could you give her back her half and go on your own? Although it could get back to her ‘new workmates’ if she’s started. I think you either have to go and just get through it, or be honest and just say, you need a bit of time to get over things as you needed to get away from your ‘toxic’ role and had set your heart on it. You actually don’t know what she said in the interview - she might have said things that let slip you described current place as ‘toxic’ so seemingly on your side but actually saying you discuss your current firm implying you can’t be trusted.

Has she done things like this before? Or is this a one off in an otherwise really supportive friendship?

like a PP I work in a small industry where you’re nearly always up against a friend or at least a friendly colleague. It’s hard. Often we do sort of ask each other’s permission but it’s really tricky whatever happens.

But in your case it sounds like you’d never have expected your friend to apply. You must have had a real shock.

if the friendship is otherwise genuinely good I’d try to move on but I’d need a while to get my head round it and recalibrate my ideas of how trustworthy my friend is and whether she has my best interests at heart. Maybe she really needs this job too. And no I wouldn’t be doing the trip. Excuse time!

It such a tricky situation. Personally I wouldn't lose a friendship over it. But I'd look for other jobs. Maybe something even better will come up and you'll be pleased you didn't get the job.

I have been in a situation where I didn't like my son's school. Found an even better school and he was all set to attend in the September (just a few weeks away). Told my friend how great the new school was etc.. etc.. and because of that she then decided to remove her son from his current school and send him to the new one. Becuase he lived nearer he took my son's place and was able to start in the September and my son had to wait another 6 months before a place became available. The school were really nice and apologetic, but said because Jimmy lived closer, even though they applied last minute when my son was all set to go, even had his class and class teacher arranged, uniform bought etc... they had to give the place to Jimmy not my son :( I'm still good friends with the mum, we didn't fall out over it (she's very moral high-groundy though so I expect that if it was the other way round she would never have spoken to me again!)

I have well and truly learnt my lesson from this.

NEVER EVER tell ANYONE (except your partner or parents) that you have applied for ANYTHING, until it's a done deal and you are actually there and on the books. This applies to jobs, schools, houses, anything!

That’s an incredibly shitty thing to do to you. If she’d have seen the job herself and applied for it purely coincidentally that would be an entirely different thing. She knew you wanted and needed it and decided to apply for it anyway. This business about ‘raving about you’ at the interview sounds a bit nuts too. Why would anyone even mention someone else in that way in an interview? I would cancel the weekend and end the so called friendship altogether. Absolutely no friend to you whatsoever, as others have said. What’s she going to do for her next trick, try to nick your partner? I wouldn’t the trust anyone who could pull the stunt she’s done.

Learn from this.

Next time dont tell anyone anything until you've got the job

I wouldn't care that she applied for the job. I know lots of pp have said that it's a shitty thing to do, but people also have to do what is right for them and their family. She thought it looked good and that she had a shot, and probably needed the pay rise too.

But I would care that she mentioned me in the interview. Why? She will say that she sang your praises but that's unlikely imo, as it's a competitive process. Did she damn you with faint praise?

Her interview over-ran, they allowed it to over-run, so they knew straight away that they liked her. Maybe her application was written better. Maybe her line manager provided a better reference. Maybe they just warmed to her.

But I don't think I'd want to work there now. I wouldn't burn bridges just in case, and I wouldn't fall out with anybody. But I wouldn't want a friend, a friend who did in fact behave in a rather questionable way, to be my manager.

How could you ever trust this person again if you stayed friends, nope I'd definitely bin her

I can't imagine what it would be like with her managing you. She's so underhand - can you imagine what she'd be like as a manager?

Regarding the weekend together - are you travelling together? Sharing a room? I wouldn't be able to do that with her.

This is a good advertisement to keep things to ourselves

If she didn't think she was doing anything wrong then why wasn't she honest with you and tell you she had applied. She knows what she's done alright what a snake

I think it was a twatty thing to do indeed.

I wouldn't be able to spend the weekend with her. I just couldn't I would be too upset so you're better than me.

It's awful you have to even think of this but if it were me in future, I wouldn't tell anyone I was applying for anything until I signed a dotted line saying it was mine. She well and truly pissed on your parade.

Years ago, I mentioned a building that was vacant and that my friend (who was an employee of the friend I was speaking to) and I were in the middle of negotiating a business loan with a local bank. This was in the sticks in Yorkshire where everyone knew everyone else.
A week passed and next time I drove up the empty building was being renovated and turned into the exact same business that my friend and I were going to start.
The purchasers had no need for a business loan and had bought it outright .
That taught me to never ever tell anyone of my plans regarding holidays, purchases or anything bar inconsequential chatter, no matter how good a friend they are, ever.

@Ladyofthelake53

this.
she was devious.

She has stolen your thunder and affected your quality of life. She is not a true friend.

You are not being at all unreasonable to feel as you do. Anyone saying otherwise really can't be putting themselves in your shoes. Of course, she can apply for whatever job she wants, etc etc. but in reality, what she's done is pretty shitty when you consider the emotions and dynamics of friendship involved.

If she has been a good friend before, can you be honest about how you're feeling?

It doesn't have to be argumentative, but your feelings are valid, and something like "I'm really struggling with how to feel after this job interview situation. I feel hurt and envious and resentful, that you applied for, and got, a job I really wanted. I want to feel happy for you, and to preserve our friendship, as it's meant so much to me over the years, but I need time and understanding to work through these feelings as I'm currently not "okay" with it all" - or whatever is how you are feeling about it. It doesn't have to be argumentative or blaming, but if you do want this friendship to continue, I think you'll have to find a way to at least discuss this, or resentment will grow and eat it up. To paraphrase Brene Brown "a moment of discomfort is better than weeks of resentment".

Personally I would be journaling the shit out of this, and letting myself feel all the anger and disappointment etc, getting it out and giving myself a tonne of self compassion for feeling that way (I do journalspeak, a type of journaling heralded by Nicole Sachs and it's super helpful when you're faced with shit like this). You are completely valid to feel how you feel and I'm sorry you're friend has done this

Well she's a bitch, not a friend or even a nice person, so the company showed a lack of ability to judge character there.

They also showed a bad ability to interview. If it is true that she gushed about you in the interview, that's not at all appropriate behaviour in an interview. They should really have discounted her from that point.

She is going to struggle in this job op, because she doesn't have the skills. I bet she said that you'd trained her and that she learnt everything from you. She will now expect help from you on the job. Do not under any circumstances help her. She wanted it, she can sink or swim under her own power, not getting help.

I would probably cancel the weekend away and be truthful as to why, and state that I want to take a step back from this so called friendship. She'll panic I bet as she'll be wanting your help on the job.

Hope you’re ok OP. A lesson to remember - never tell people when you are applying for a job anywhere. I would be letting this “friendship” slide.

I was about to dismiss this as sour grapes, but it does make a big difference that she didn't tell you first.

She didn't need to ask your permission, but especially as you were so excited, she really should have had a talk with you first and say that she was planning to apply.

Honestly OP, something better is on its way for you. It sounds unprofessional the way everyone is telling you what she said in her interview (?) And if she really is unqualified and they hired her based on her PeRsoNALitY then they're dumb.

In terms of the trip away, just make other plans and tell her just that something came up.

Is that you Rishi?

jokes aside. Horrendous behaviour and not a friend. I’d let the relationship fade. Confrontation might mean she badmouths you at the new job and who needs that. Just become too busy (looking for new jobs) to see her. Honestly what a bitch. Obviously laying it on thick how you needed the job would make them less likely to pick you (needy) and choose her (emotionally intelligent and generous- falsely unfortunately)

Also ypur morale is probably low from the toxicness of your current work place. Don’t let that make you question your worth or drag you down in the mean time and don’t believe for a second someone who acts like this is a friend!

I don't think there is any way you could bring this up without coming across as a sore loser. Just give fulsome congratulations keep your powder dry in future!

This really. It was a nasty thing for her to do

You told your friend you had a job interview for a job you really wanted and she then applied for the same job too 😯 I’m sorry this person isn’t your friend OP. This is really low.

It would be different if you’d both seen the same job advertised independently but it sounds like you already had an interview before she applied.