To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

YANBU.

She's a shit friend.

I would message her as follows:

"Dear Friend, congratulations on getting the job and I genuinely wish you the best and much success.

However, you wouldn't have known about the job if I hadn't told you I was applying and I can't help feeling that you went behind my back and betrayed the confidence I placed in you.

I know I am probably unreasonable in thinking this, as a job is open to everybody to apply and I'm sure you will accuse me of jealousy and maybe you would be right.

But I can't help feeling that if you had genuinely valued my friendship, you would not have deliberately put yourself into a "competition" with me particularly as you were aware how much I hate working at <current work place>.

Just had to get this off my chest and let you know how I feel but no hard feelings and take care".

And then step back from the friendship.

Write that in your journal but don't send it. If you do it'll get shared around and make you look bad.

I'm surprised by the responses here.

The friend didn't steal the job, OP told her about it and friend thought it sounded great and was the better candidate. It's not nasty it's just how it goes. I wouldn't hold off a job opportunity just because my friend was applying.

I know that she isn’t

You don't know anything about the type of person they were looking for! You're just pissed off.

It's more than just skills, qualifications and experience. Maybe she just came across as a better fit personality-wise.

We are all responsible for our own careers. I've applied for plenty of the same jobs as friends and colleagues. The best person for that role gets the job. No point being so petty about it. Wish her well and move on.

I agree with @NoSquirrels it’s likely a poisoned chalice and echo she will likely be in a toxic place herself. I don’t think it sounds very good that the recruiter told you that she was talking about you etc.

As others asked, has she done anything like this before?

I had a colleague and friend do this, I was so excited about a role that I had had lots of meetings about and spent time with the team and she decided she was going for it suddenly too but didn’t tell me at the time. One of these that collects information in a snakey way whilst pretending to be your friend. I was hurt like you op and will always keep certain things to myself now.

Try not to dwell on the experience but I would back away from this ‘friend.’

I also think it shows bad judgment of the company to hire someone who kept talking about another candidate. Especially as others have said in a 'nice' but potentially subtly undermining way. If I were interviewing I'd think that was really unprofessional?

That is inspired! Definitely do that.

I had a friend that did something similar to me. There were a few other things as well so I decided she'd be an ex-friend.

I agree

How or why did a recruiter mention it to you, surely that in itself is a breach of confidentiality? I have never heard of a recruiter telling other candidates about who has applied nor have I heard about them giving feedback which includes what another applicant says in the interview process.

I wouldn't be able to stay friends with such a snake and I definitely wouldn't be going away with her, even if I had to lose money.

You don't go to a job interview and talk about someone else as a candidate. Telling them your friend really 'needs' the job that trying to get yourself is just weird.

The recruiter telling you your friend applied and that she raved about you is bizarre and unprofessional.

She deliberately sabotaged you op. Made you look pathetic and needy to a potential employer.

I'd cancel the weekend too.

Yes this! I’m a Nicole Sachs fan too and do a lot of journalling. It really helps me acknowledge and process what I’m feeling.

Feelings come and go, and it would be a shame to make any decisions about your weekend away or the future of your friendship while you’re in the heat of feeling angry and jealous. It’s totally understandable that you feel all those things. At the moment you seem determined to hold your feelings in so that they turn into a ball of resentment that will affect your future relationship with your friend (and ultimately your happiness and well-being). And that’s understandable too if you’ve previously had difficulty or been shamed/judged/hurt in the past for acknowledging or sharing your more painful feelings - it’s natural to develop defence mechanisms to keep yourself safe from feeling the hurt of being shamed/judged/hurt again. But you’re capable of feeling the feelings and moving through them now.

People are not all good or all bad, and if you can spend a bit of time processing the bad stuff here, you might decide that there’s still enough good in the friendship to want to continue. You might get to a place where you can have an honest conversation with your friend about how this felt for you, and ask questions to understand her perspective. You may find you can see the sense in her motives, or that you can’t, and then you can make a really informed decision about the future of your friendship based on a deeper understanding of her character. The weekend with her might be a good time to have these gentle conversations about how you each feel if you feel up to it by then. Or you could just say you’re feeling angry about it and need to park the subject for now while you process what happened.

Also (perhaps these things that will come to you after you’ve processed the hurt) can you see this whole thing as a learning experience and that there’s lots to be grateful for?
You’ve learned to have stronger boundaries about how much and when you share with others to protect your interests.
You’ve learned about yourself through the good feedback you had about the interview.
Maybe the interview experience has given you confidence to apply for other things?
Maybe the feedback here about the culture of start ups will let you further hone what you want in a job?
You have a possible job offer in the pipeline so you’ve come out of it better than when you went into it.
Maybe you’ll find something much better suited!

I see your point, but wouldn't you at least mention it? Like, "Look I know you're excited, I just want to let you know I've been thinking a lot and I'm going to throw my hat in the ring too. Didn't want you to find out from someone else."

To me that would make a big difference. If I happened to learn about a job opportunity from a friend, no way I'd not apply just because she saw it first! But I wouldn't be sneaky.

The Op did get a job there though starting next year. So she obviously was good enough. Had the friend not applied she might have got this one too.

Its not like passing a driving test or exams where everyone who’s up to standard gets it. It’s based on the pool of candidates that apply.

She’s not a friend if she knew what this job meant to you. However if she’s stuck in the same boat as you and hated her old job maybe be magnanimous.

Unfortunately your friend has gone and stabbed you in the back and done something very selfish.

Of course, congratulate her, but never lift a finger to help her again or tell her anything.

OP, don't tell people things until they are done and dusted. Even a great friend could tell someone "oh, my bestie is going for this great job at..." and someone could run with that. Always give people a fait accompli, which I learnt on here many years ago.

Btw interview outcomes often come down to exactly how you performed and how well you sold your skills in the interview itself. It’s not always about who’s the best qualified/suited in reality.

Going to an interview and raving about how your friend, who applied first and told you about the post, is so wonderful and desperately needs the job (btw that bit smacks of underhandedly telling them that no one else will employ you) sounds rather odd to me.
id be tempted to invite another friend to join me, and tell her that you’d found “a better fit for the holiday vibe you were hoping for”, but I doubt I’d have the bottle to do it tbh.
Honestly, I’d probably still go, but either try to talk to her and find out exactly why she thought that what she’d done was ok, or just bury my head in a book (more like find myself a nice bar to do it in) and step away from the friendship in the future.

What's worse, though, in my view, is the weird raving about you in her own interview, and the comments about how much you needed the job

This - sounds a lot like she is being sly here and setting out to sabotage you.

somebody saying “OP is sooo sweet and well-meaning, and really really needs this job, her current junior is just awful, she tells me she is in tears there every day! She’s applied for loads of jobs and nobody seems to want to hire her, I have no idea why as she is just so lovely!”, or whatever she said, is definitely not helpful.

Honestly, the combination of applying for the job behind your back, discussing you with the recruiter, and discussing you with the interview panel knowing you are sitting outside waiting to go in next, is just incredibly sly.

I’d pull out of the weekend and friend-dump her, to be honest. I’ve applied for plenty of jobs my friends have gone for (very small niche area), and we have all managed to keep it professional.

Junior = job, weird autocorrect there

I would cancel the weekend and end the friendship. I would never do this to a mate.

I think I’d struggle to remain friends to be honest - there would certainly be a cooling off. I know technically there’s nothing to stop her going for the job, but there’s just something not right about it - a bit like really fancying a boy as a teen and going best friend going after him and snogging him! There’s some things you just don’t do

agreed people here saying she did nothing wrong are correct, she didn't but that's technically and on paper. Morally she did wrong-screwed you over and broke an unwritten rule. Anybody who says they'd be fine with this obviously lack empathy or are being deliberately obtuse but that's pretty common on aibu.

It reminds me of friends when rachael asked jean claude van damme out for monica and he refused but asked her out and she said yes. Rachael was being a bitch.

I think she’s been utterly out of order. Everyone saying the job was in the public domain, so it’s fair game, is missing the point. She wasn’t even aware of the job until her friend told her! I’d be furious, I couldn’t move past this. I don’t think I could bring myself to go in the weekend away either.

YANBU

For gawd's sake DO NOT introduce her to your fiance!