To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

I would be gutted too OP.

She's been really sneaky. A friend wouldn't have applied for the job after hearing about it from you. But if she felt she was incredibly well suited she should have talked to you about it before she applied, not let you find out afterwards.

I guarantee there is a better job out there for you. I don't know what to suggest about the weekend but I wouldn't want to go or spend any time with her in the future tbh.

A lesson Learned. In future do it and then tell people. Keep your own counsel.

Wow, talk about underhand! You said she didn’t know about the job opportunity before you mentioned it so clearly, she decided she could walk all over you. Genuine friends would never do this to each other.

I think you’re going to have to either ditch the ‘friendship’ or cool it down several notches.

Unfortunately, you clearly over share information with her and as you already do a similar job and she doesn’t, I wonder if she’s parroted what you’ve previously told her to sound like she knows what she’s doing?

If so, presumably, she’ll come unstuck as soon as she starts working there?

When I used to conduct interviews for a role requiring some degree of technical knowledge, I used to include a couple of short IT tests to ensure they had the basic skills as some people deliberately lie on application forms, hoping they can talk their way into the job when interviewed. I remember one woman who talked the talk quite impressively at the face to face interview (one of the panel members was very keen on her), but clearly didn’t have a Scooby how to complete the basic tests. It was blindingly obvious that she’d blatantly lied at interview and never actually done what she professed to be an expert at.

Very snide of her I would step back from the "friendship"

Yes anyone can apply for any job but a friend wouldnt do this underhand and nasty

TBH I can understand how you are feeling as you told her about the postion but who is to say that you would have been successful if she had not had the interview. Would you feel any different if you had both unknowingly applied for the job and she had been successful?

She was the Better applicant. Maybe she’s better at interviews. Friends support each other. Learn from her and improve yourself. If it was meant for you you would have got it, something better will come your way.

Blimey. That's awful.

How did the recruitment agent know you knew her?

The constant reference to you during her interview sounds bonkers. Why would she do that, and how would the recruiter know it 😳

God I would never do this.

If you'd both coincidently applied for it, neither of you knowing the other had, then fair enough and you'd have no right to be angry.

But the fact that she applied off the back of you telling her about the job and that you really wanted it is a shitty thing to do.

I'd be backing right off from the friendship, effective immediately.

No I think that's perfect actually
What she did was shitty for a so called friend. She needs to go.

I'd not go on the weekend I'd bin her off straight away. She must have the hide of a rhino to think it's ok and that you won't be upset about it.

I think some people commenting are sort of missing point here.

i agree also , that she should have have discussed me at all. In doing so, I’m feel she has painted herself to be so very kind and thoughtful, which was probably endearing and sounds like a great addition to any team. But in reality, I don’t think this was kind or thoughtful to do to a friend.

also I don’t have a sense of entitlement here…. What a shitty thing to say. Honestly had another candidate been successful, then I wouldn’t feel this same hurt. Nor would I feel
this way if my friend had gone about getting the job in a different way ie: telling me first. It going a step further and asking if I minded.

Yes. It sucks to lose the job, but it sucks so much more to know that someone I had so much time and love for, just doesnt feel that way about me. Because that is really what this whole conversation boils down too. She couldn’t have been the great friend I thought she was - because if she was, this scenario might have played out so very differently.

Its a really awful thing she did! And to have found out by the recruiter and not by her meant she knew it wouldn’t go down well with you. I can totally understand how you would feel angry. I don’t think she can be classed as a friend really either. The weekend will be tricky but you could look at it as the last event you’ll ever have to do with her. I guess leave the job off the table for discussion focus on whatever it is you’re doing together as hard as that maybe. Once the weekends done with get out with some other friends or throw yourself into a new hobby. Honestly the selfish people out there that put themselves first is shocking. I know the job was open to anyone but in this case i think your ‘friend’ should have took herself out of the running. Hope you’re doing alright! 🍀🤞🏻

This. I'd be furious. You can't trust her to not undercut you in future on something else. I dont think no matter how much you try, you'll be able to forgive her. You'll always be on guard. If I was your friend (not that I'd do something like that) I'd feel terrible and not be able to show my face. Shes a CF. You're not going to enjoy next weekend so I'd cancel or take someone else. Then while your changing next week's plans tell her the cancellation is permanent and bin her off. Im angry on your behalf OP and sorry this has happened x

@Champagnesupamother I’d be so upset. Of course people can apply for any jobs, but she obviously wasn’t looking but she has jumped in after you did all the work. But you may not have got the role even if she didn’t? But I would keep my powder dry - she might not like it, might be out of her depth etc. She might not stay long and you could re-apply. But you need to forget about this particular role for now and look for another - and as for her being your Manager; given the circumstances I don’t think I’d want to consider it. Good luck OP I hope you find the best role ever!

Fuck that shit.

It was a dreadful thing to do and she has no business discussing you in a job interview while you're waiting outside, whatever she said.

She should not have applied in the first place - friends don't do that, and clearly went out of her way to undermine you.

Don't go away with her. It's not worth the money. She can go by herself if she doesn't want to lose the half she's paid.

Explain to her that you are angry over what she has done. There is no need for you to smile and congratulate her.

The recruitment consultant sounds weird - why would they name any other candidates to each other? That’s not normal at all.

And I’ve no idea why you’ve been told your ‘friend’ mentioned you a lot in interview, let alone that you ‘needed the job’.

Honestly, perhaps this is one of those opportunities that will turn out to be a total poisoned chalice. You may well be ultimately better off out of it. Start-ups are well known for talking a great game on ethics and culture but I’ve never known anyone work for one at early stages who isn’t doing mad hours and with a poor work/life balance. That’s what the extra £10K would cover.

Look for a different job elsewhere entirely.
Distance yourself from your “friend”.

That is a shitty thing to do to anyone, let alone an actual friend. Would you have told her about it if you thought she would apply too? I wonder what impression she created of you, why she focused on talking about you so much. This person is not your friend, she is the opposite of a friend. Tell her she is not welcome next weekend and block her. Her sabotage of your life will continue while you allow her to remain close to you.

I don't blame you for being angry. The upcoming weekend sounds an ordeal. Will you have your own hotel room, at least?

As others have said it was unforgivable of her to do that to you, and I'd struggle to be her friend in future. And I certainly wouldn't go away for the weekend.
Anyone who thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable is a very poor friend and questionable human being!

I think it’s very odd to mention another candidate in interview, whether to sing their praises or anything else. As an interviewer I wouldn’t be hugely impressed with this. Makes me feel unsure about the company if this is truly how things went.

Honestly I wouldn’t go on the weekend, I’d tell her why too she is a snake you thought she was someone completely different.

This happened to me so totally get it. Applied for a PT job while a student, told a friend who then applied for the same role, my interview went well but when I didn't hear back I phoned to then be told I would've got it if another candidate who had slightly more experience hadn't come along. My 'friend' got it, he knew how much I had wanted that job and still got it. It's a shitty thing to do and she's not a good friend, I'd cancel on the weekend and tell her exactly why. Hope you find another job soon 🙏🏻

OP you clearly don't want to go away with her, so why force yourself? I can see you're feeling you'll be letting her down but that's exactly what she did to you. A weekend away is time in your precious life you'll never get back. Why spend it on someone who's values and behaviours dont deserve your loyalty? I'd burn this bridge so brightly that it lights my way forward and not look back. She is an arsehole x

Is it too late to add additional friends to your weekend away? Anyone else who might fancy coming along too, to dilute the pressure?

Yes totally agree. why go. She's an evil witch. Probably spend the whole weekend rubbing it in your face