To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

I'd be more than grumpy

Sorry OP, but that would absolutely change my view of someone.

I wouldn't ever her tell her your business again.

Very disappointing.

Real friends do not behave like that.

They’ll soon find out if she’s competent or not. She might talk the talk, but can she walk the walk?

The recruitment consultant repeated a few times how much my friend raved on about me, and how I needed the job. So I think possibly she did mention it in the interview but I don’t know for sure. You

She's not your friend.

I was going to say in future don't tell people till the application deadline has passed. But actually that's bonkers, we should be able to trust our friends

A friend cares about your wellbeing and can't be trusted to consider your feelings. She's no friend as she took advantage of information you gave her, for her own gain, with no worries about how this would affect you. Even if she had applied and not got the job she would have betrayed your friendship. I would tell her next weekend is off.

This is 100%. She’s no friend. I feel disgusted on your behalf op! You deserve a better friend.

*can be trusted

She made out you are needy and under qualified, whilst lying about her own experience. Hope she gets found out and fails probation. It was clear when the feedback was she's more qualified.

Did she tell you she was going to apply? Asked you how you felt about her applying beforehand? Or did you just hear when she got the job. If she'd got your permission to apply I think you've got to suck it up now. If she did this behind your back then I'd be ending that friendship. Re jobs in general that they've hired your friend over you when you believe you've got more experience l, you need to consider what employers may actually be looking for (personality fit / attitude something else) to help you be more successful next time x

Trip together? Fuck that. The friendship is over anyway so tell her how you feel and that she's no longer welcome to come. Don't martyr yourself for someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

She should never have applied in the first place! It's not the same as losing out to a stranger. She is meant to be your friend and she only knew about the vacancy because of you. Shocking behaviour.

I would be very disappointed if a friend did this, and I wouldn't feel the same about the friendship.

However if you can get that job you can get the next job, and preferably not with a start-up! In my experience they can be a nightmare, full of promises and ideals which quickly get sacrificed in the struggle to survive.

She's not a friend. I'd cut her out completely. Is there anyone else you can take with you next weekend? If not, tell her she's no longer welcome and go alone.

Yanbu to be upset about this! I would be too. Anyone would. Has anyone actually said yabu yet? I'll read back.

It’s shit thing to do

but this could work in your favour

let your friend deal with all the niggles that come with a start up. If she’s not got the experience in the role she’s gone for it will soon become clear.

as for next weekend. Dis invite her. Tell her why and that it’s really upset you and you’re not in a place to be spending time with her.

She is not a friend.
Yes, it's an open market and anyone could apply for that job, but she knew you wanted it, we're excited for it, and would have been perfectly suited for it. I wouldn't be able to trust her with anything again.
When I was a teen I went for a Saturday job, made the mistake of telling a friend and she "gazumped" me. For the last 30 years I've kept job applications very close to my chest. I literally tell my husband, that's it.

She's not your friend.

I've learned this lesson, telling friends about a great thing I've stumbled upon, and they then muscle their way in. I stop myself now. I once told a foolish woman that the great music venue I like had a job going. She got it and was then there, at the place I enjoyed so much, but as I got to know her more, I didn't like her as much, yet had stupidly invited her further into the scene I liked. Will never do that again. Luckily shes not a hard worker so she didn't stay.

Ugh what a shitty thing to do, she's not a friend. I'm pretty laid back and forgiving but I wouldn't be congratulating someone in this situation. And I wouldn't be able to go away with her either. I'd uninvite her and explain why. You've nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about - but she does so let her reap the consequences if her selfish actions.

I really hope you find something better - I know it's trite but in my experience, sometimes really shitty things actually turn out to be for the best. Good luck.

You’re not unreasonable to feel a bit pissed off, but you don’t get to decide you were a better fit for the job than her if the actual employers have decided otherwise.

I'd back off the friendship, and if she's called on her knowledge of what you do to suggest to them she's better qualified for the role, she will come unstuck when she starts.

If she fails her probation then maybe you will be called forward earlier.

I could be sanguine about the company - she may have pulled the wool over their eyes - and be happy to work there. But I agree if it does work out for your friend, don't go and work there under her.

No 'advice' to be given out either, if she comes to you with Qs. After all, she's the better fit right now 😉

I wouldn’t waste time or money on a week away with her. You should be able to share with friends but I tend not to.

There’s a bit of movement in my field at the moment and colleagues are being careful not to say what they are applying for to try and prevent any bad feeling. I did have one colleague call and ask if I was applying for one role as they didn’t want to stand against me - I wasn’t applying and no idea If they did.

Why? She didnt badmouth OP amd o the contrary seemed to big her up.Seems to me like she got the job on her own merits, the company thought she was a good " fit". OP , there are plenty of other workplaces keep looking.

She didn’t tell me she applied at first. The recruiter did and so I mentioned the job to her again and how much I really wanted it. Only Then did she came clean. I had hoped she would bow out but she didn’t.

I get the whole personality fit etc / but I felt that we had great rapport during the interview. And there was only positive feedback and the promise of a job down the line. So I don’t think this was the much of a deciding factor.

I can’t cancel her from the weekend. She had paid her half and it was just us together alone. I’m struggling to think of how to get through it but for now I do intend to take a very good book and keep my nose buried. And I think moving forward , I won’t view the friendship the same way.